How to Deal With Returning Parenting Frustration
Most of us don’t like the idea of going back to our parents. There is a lost sense of independence, a sense of defeat and, of course, a stigma. If you’re back with your loved ones, here are some ways to make the transition as smooth as possible.
Skeptics compare life with parents to well-being. They will argue that you are lazy. They will say that you simply do not know how to save. In fact, moving home is probably the last thing you want to do. But you do it because you are working towards a goal and you have a family ready to offer some kind of support. However, it can still be a frustrating experience. Several preliminary steps can help minimize this frustration.
Tell us about your expectations
Returning to your parents is in most cases completely different from facing a friend. There are completely different dynamics, relationships, and an additional set of expectations. These expectations pay off right from the start.
One way to do this is to write a lease that includes these expectations. US News & World Report offers :
Making a lease will force both you and your parents to reflect on some of the issues / challenges your new relationship will face. If you wait until an incident occurs, it becomes more difficult to find a good solution.
To start a conversation, start with the following topics:
- Money : Do they have specific expectations about how you will spend your money while living with it?
- Schedules : Does your parent expect to know when you are away? Will you have a curfew? When will they be home?
- Habits : Discuss basic living habits. For example, what time does everyone wake up and go to bed? It helps to understand how these habits can affect everyone in the house.
- Participation : If your parents do not charge you rent, they may expect you to help in another way. Discuss how they expect you to participate.
When you move in with your loved ones, it’s easy to fall into your old parenting and parenting roles because you’ve lived those roles for years. If you’ve been alone for a while, it can be frustrating for both sides. Stating your expectations can ease this frustration a little.
Discuss boundaries
You want to get along with your parents, and setting boundaries can help.
Consider any general boundaries that you would normally have a tenant-landlord. For example, what is the home’s guest policy? Your parents may not want too many guests in their home, or they may not want someone to be around at certain times. Also, where will you stay? If you are in your old room, are other parts of the house closed? If you work from home, do you need a remote office space?
Beyond that, think about privacy as well. Most parents can’t help but talk about your social life, finances, and career. Discuss in advance any concerns you have about their interference, but allow them to voice their own concerns. The Art of Masculinity talks about redefining relationships from vertical to horizontal :
For most of your life, your relationship with your parents has been vertical — they have stood at the top of the family hierarchy, directing, directing, and dictating how you have lived your life.
Now that you are an adult, your relationship with your parents should change to a horizontal one. Rather than interacting with your parents during childhood, you need to communicate with them as adults and in a mutually respectful manner. Realize your expectations and ask them what they expect from the new home and fight any urge to shout, “This is not fair!” If what your parents expect is different from what you want, you will have to find another place to live.
If there is a disagreement, you will want to resolve it now, not after you move.
Drive in with an exit plan
It’s hard not to feel a little defeated when you get home. You feel like you’ve taken a step back. To combat this, AskMen.com recommends developing a plan :
The moment you realize that you will have to return to your parents is the very moment when you need to start planning your exit strategy. You have to keep looking elsewhere for opportunities and apply for jobs every single day. Talk to your friends and see if they know anyone looking for a roommate. Consider moving in with your significant other. Either way, you must tell yourself that moving home is by no means permanent.
While their advice is for people with financial problems, they can work in any situation. Not only that, having a plan to make sure you get back there will help with that feeling of defeat. And this advice is easy enough to combine with the preparation of a lease. Bottom line: When you check in, you should already have an exit plan with deadlines.
When I moved in with my mom to pay off my student loan, my exit strategy was based on my budget. I calculated and planned how long it would take to pay off my debts and that was my checkout date. Whether you’re looking to get out of debt, save money, or find a job, it’s helpful to have a budget and plan that includes a release date.
Behave like a guest
One way to avoid the role of child and parent? Show your parents the same kindness as any other host. Free housing is a pretty big service, so it might be obvious, but it’s also easy to overlook. Ironically, although I knew my mom was doing me a favor, she didn’t think it was like that. It might have to do with culture, but she thought it was a little silly that I moved at all. She still felt it her duty to take care of me, and that helped us easily return to our former roles.
The child’s feeling has little effect on the feeling of defeat. It is important to remain independent, even if your parents still think you are young, inexperienced, and needy.
I could not change my mother’s views on tradition, and she will always think of me as her child. But there were ways in which I changed my point of view so as not to feel indifferent, which meant that I try not to forget to treat Mom like any other gracious hostess.
US News offers several ways to do this :
Be prepared to help with family chores. If you are not working, it only makes sense to help with family grocery shopping or vacuuming.
We offer to pay part of utility and grocery bills. You will be using electricity and hitting the refrigerator; honestly you have to pay for it. Plus, when you do start getting your own utility bills, it won’t be such a shock.
Be prepared to take on work that is “below you.” You can wait years to find a job that your education / training prepared you for. You need money now. Take a good job today and look for a better job tomorrow.
This situation is easy to get comfortable with, and comfort can interfere with your exit strategy. If your parents have a habit of making things too comfortable for you, talk about it when discussing expectations. The art of masculinity offers a specific line :
If you notice that your parents are trying to do for you what you can do yourself, good, but firmly say: “I really appreciate your willingness to help me with this, but I would rather do it myself. Hope you can understand.
When I moved in with my mom, everything worked out, but it would be wise to set a few more boundaries. A little chat would be good for both of us, and the actual lease would make things a lot easier.
One thing we did right was having fun together. Now that I’m almost ten years older and living 1,500 miles away, I miss cooking dinner with my mom, staying up late to watch TV, or even listening to her advice. Moving home can be stressful, but a few basic rules and some understanding can help you get the most out of it.