How to Get Into a Relationship When You’re Used to Being Single
It seems like people are always looking for love, but living alone can be wonderful. You are independent, you don’t have to compromise, and you get used to doing things your own way. Of course, when you finally date the right person, it can get in the way of getting used to the relationship. Difficult, but possible.
Having lived alone for most of my adult life, getting over with my fiance was not easy. I’m used to doing whatever I want, which often involves walking around covered in acne cream and torn oversized pajamas. “You can still do these things,” he said, but I didn’t want to do it in front of anyone. I wanted to do them alone. There were quirks on his side, too. I’d love to hear about the mundane details of his day that he wouldn’t even think about talking about. Sorry, he said. “I guess I’m not used to telling anyone about my day.”
It was easy enough to get on the same page with such little things. But more complex issues arise, and it takes a little more effort to go from single to relationship.
Start with a conversation
Sometimes two people can get along easily, but they have very different ideas about what it means to be in a relationship. Hell, if you’ve been single for ages, you might not even know what your own expectations in the relationship are.
Perhaps your new partner wants to talk on the phone every day and you never spoke on the phone. Maybe they think a relationship means you spend time every weekend (or every day!) And you’re used to spending Sunday alone.
There will come a time when you want to set out these expectations, commonly known as “The Conversation.” Most people think that this is the definition of a relationship: are we dating? Are we exclusive? How will it be in the long run? This is great, but you also want to be specific about what you both want out of the relationship and what you both bring to the relationship. Features such as:
- How often will you see and communicate
- Problems that can cause jealousy (are you still friends with your ex? You should probably let them know)
- Your expectations for the future
A simple understanding of these expectations can make the transition much easier.
Create boundaries to separate time and space
While I love spending time with my fiance, I also love spending time alone. Brian is the same, so when we got serious it was easy enough to agree that we were both going to let each other “be alone.”
But everyone has a busy schedule, and not always everything goes so perfectly. For example, I like to be alone in the morning to do my job calmly. He loves to drink coffee and chat before leaving for work. For a long time it seemed to me that I could not do anything living with someone, but he felt that I was a workaholic who ignored him. This is why setting boundaries is so important. I just agreed to get up early so I had time and space in the morning, and then I set aside 20 minutes or so to have a coffee with him before work.
Leading the boundaries, Psych Central editor Margarita Tartakovskaya proposes a tried and true “sandwich approach” that includes “compliments, criticism, compliments.” For instance:
“I love having sex with you, it’s an incredible part of our relationship. I have found that usually in the morning before work I am in the mood and at night I just want to sleep. Can we keep having better sex in the morning? “
Also, as clinical psychologist Randy Gunther suggests , take the time to understand each other’s priorities. Make a mental list of your priorities alone and as a couple. When exactly does each of you prefer to spend time alone, rather than together? And what does this time entail? It also helps you understand why this time is so important to you so that you can prioritize accordingly.
Setting these priorities can make it easier to find a compromise.
Get used to everything to communicate
Communication is essential in almost every relationship, but when you are used to being on your own, communicating regularly in a relationship can be difficult on many levels. Aside from just talking about your day with someone, there are many other things that require communication, from planning together to talking about your feelings. Over time, you get used to sorting things out with your partner about this, but when you first start, it is easy to ignore it.
If you’re not used to communicating with your partner regularly, start with three questions through Relationships Australia :
- What is causing the fights between you and your partner? Is it because you don’t listen to each other?
- What is causing you frustration and pain? What are you not talking about and what prevents you from talking about them?
- How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?
Again, it’s also important to talk about your day, ask your partner about his or her day, get your partner’s opinion on things, etc. These things are obvious to people in a relationship, but usually single people who find themselves in a relationship may not. immediately understand it.
After the basics, you want to know each other’s communication style. Psychologist Claire Newton identifies five basic communication styles :
- Assertive
- Aggressive
- Passive-aggressive
- Obedient
- Manipulative
They speak for themselves, but you can read her full post to find out more about each. In trying to define its own style, Psychology Today suggests asking yourself a few questions:
Do you readily speak up when you hear something you disagree with, or do you prefer to listen to all sides and either be silent or only speak if the conversation is going in a direction you cannot live with? give directions and make decisions without much input from others? Or do you prefer a more collaborative approach? Are you comfortable sharing power? Or do you prefer a relationship in which there is a hierarchical power structure?
Consider also each of your ” love languages “. This is how you express love: with words, actions, gifts, hanging out with each other, or physically touching. Understanding the differences in communication allows you to eliminate any gaps, making it much easier to access the same page. Once you understand how to communicate with your partner, you will want to watch out for some common communication mistakes . For instance:
- Expecting your partner to read your mind
- Holding back and not saying what you really think or feel
- Ignore the other person’s point of view
If your relationship gets to the point where you need to discuss finances , that can be a hindrance too. You will want to learn how to have productive money conversations . Consider holding a weekly cash meeting. No, it doesn’t sound exciting, but having a scheduled time to talk about money prevents it from becoming a spontaneous topic that makes you argue only when you’re stressed.
These are typical problems couples face, and if you are new to a relationship, you may not see them appear. Just being aware of them can be critical.
Maintain your independence
When you start dating someone, there are certain habits that you can understandably change. A classic example is lowering the toilet seat. Psychology Today notes that when you give up these kinds of things, it’s important to make sure you understand that you are doing it for the right reasons:
Choices made to relinquish the autonomy of solitary life in exchange for the blessings of a committed relationship are made voluntarily. There can be no resentment or martyrdom, otherwise the relationship will eventually collapse. These data are viewed as gifts to another, and not as a loss of individuality.
If you don’t want to give up certain things that mean a lot to your partner, that’s another story, and is usually addressed at the beginning of a relationship as a compatibility issue. But the bottom line is this: there are some things that you willingly give up for the sake of a relationship, and you should not consider these losses to your personality. At the same time, this is why it is important to maintain your individuality in other ways that matter to you.
Research shows that in the most successful relationships, couples maintain friendships outside of the relationship. Because of all the compromises and learning to coexist with another person, you also don’t want your relationship to completely define you; this can lead to interdependence or resentment. You want to have some sense of independence, so maintain the friendships you had before you got together and set aside time for activities that you enjoy as one person.
Part of the pleasure of being alone is learning to enjoy your independence. You don’t have to give it up when you find someone you want to spend your life with. It takes some understanding, communication and ground rules, but it’s possible to get the best of both worlds.