What to Do If You Think Your Friend Is Being Cheated
Knowing that your spouse is cheating can be the most embarrassing situation. You want to inform and comfort your friend, but you don’t want to ruin your relationship with him and end up becoming a dead messenger. If you think (or know) that your friend is being cheated on , here are a few things to consider.
The hardest part: deciding whether to say anything at all
You might be wondering why this section is even here ( you don’t want me to tell my best friend ?! ), but many people think that this is not their place to tell. There are many things to consider before you say or do something. This event, depending on how you arrange it, can ruin your friendship . Your friend may “shoot the messenger” and be angry with you for what you told him, he may be angry with you for waiting too long to tell them, or they may think you were part of the cover-up. … Even if you are lucky and they do not outwardly show any anger towards you, they can always take you as the starting point for the whole painful incident. Everything in their minds was terrible until you told them, and they may want to distance themselves from anything that reminds them of pain.
As Mark D. White, Ph.D. from Psychology Today , explains , you will feel caught between wanting to do “the best” (such as finding a way to help a friend and protect your friendship) and “doing the right thing.” Thing (for example, tell them right away). The problem is, doing the “right” thing is bad. And doing the “best” can mitigate some of the damage, but it can also cause problems of its own as it takes a little more time and thought. Keep in mind that you are a good friend if you weigh your options carefully here. In fact, if you take the time to find the perfect way to fit (or not fit) this particular situation, you will become your best friend.
First, you’re probably angry or at least upset yourself, so you should definitely cool off a little before doing anything. This is an extremely delicate situation for all parties involved, so it’s not good for you to throw this thing wide open in a fit of anger. Separate yourself from people and give yourself time to think.
The first thing to look out for is how close you are to the person you cheated on. Our very own Vanessa Marin, a licensed marriage therapist who currently leads Lifehacker: After Hours , suggests you shouldn’t put yourself in such an uncomfortable situation if you’re not that close to the person. They may be your “friends”, but what does that really mean? A work colleague, an acquaintance at the gym, each other? How often do you interact with them in your social or personal life? Don’t put yourself in a situation where you don’t belong. You may not be worried about ruining a friendship that is not very close, but there is much more at stake than that. You can ruin relationships, force other people to draw the line and ruin friendships, or even make enemies along the way. If they’re your best friend or someone you are relatively close to (like a family member), it’s worth it, but save yourself the trouble otherwise. This is not your responsibility.
The second thing you need to do is make sure that you are absolutely sure that someone is actually being tricked. Don’t share suspicions, rumors, or gut feelings with your friend or other members of your group of friends. Dr. Nerdlov, relationship expert and blogger, explains :
Telling a friend that you think his partner is cheating on him is a serious mine in a relationship. If you are going to tell them that you think they are cheated, then you better be 100% sure – I mean that someone will confess to you that they are cheating on their partner, or you see that cheating is happening. …
If you are not entirely sure of what is going on, your participation will cause more problems than it can ever solve. What’s more, talking about it with other friends in your social circle will create drama that is unnecessary. Get the facts straight and make sure you are confident before doing anything.
You might also want to think about the inner workings of their relationship. You might think you know their romantic situation, but it’s possible that even a close friend won’t tell you all the nuances of their love life. Marin explains:
Make no assumptions about your friend’s relationship. Many people have agreements with their partners that they do not want to share with other people.
Nerdlove agrees and also indicates the possibility of agreements:
… you don’t need to know the state of the couple’s relationship. They can be monogamous. It could be something that they arranged by mutual agreement.
Remember, you are not part of their relationship. You may feel like you know everything because you are sharing things with your friend, but there is a lot you probably don’t know. You can try digging, but this topic is difficult to bring up in a conversation without sounding alarms. When deciding what to do, definitely consider the possibility that everyone already knows what’s going on.
Finally, you must consider the humiliation factor. When you are deceived, you feel stupid for trusting someone so much. It is incredibly painful, and even more painful to know that others know about all of this. As Nerdlove points out, in many cases you would rather not have witnesses to dark times in your own relationship, so it’s safe to assume that your friend feels the same way . This doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t tell them still, but you should definitely think about it when making a decision.
If you’re still trying to decide what to do after you’ve considered everything here, White suggests that you ask yourself :
“What would my friend want me to do?”
It might seem like there is an obvious answer to this question, but think carefully. How do they usually react to bad news? Do they prefer the bandage removed or removed? Imagine how they will react and think about your approach accordingly.
Option A: don’t tell them
This is the safest option if you are not that close to the person you are cheating on. It is also the safest option if you are not 110% sure that something really happened. It’s undeniable that the decision to say nothing can seem awkward and perhaps even a little wrong, but you are probably avoiding a lot of other problems by avoiding it.
Nerdlove notes that what happened, whether you are sure of it or not, may have been a one-time mistake that will never happen again. Blowing the whistle can end a relationship that might otherwise have survived . Silence does not in any way make the cheater right, but gives the couple the opportunity to adapt to what is happening on their own terms.
Option B. Tell them and support them (if they want to)
If you are sure that your close friend has been cheated on, it might be time to face music. However, the last thing you need is for your friend to “shoot the messenger”, so you need to approach him carefully. Marin recommends making a decision quickly and informing them as soon as possible:
The more time you spend thinking about your decision, the more uncomfortable it can be. Your friend will inevitably ask, “When did this happen?” Or “How long have you known?” If it turns out that you have been sitting on this information for several months, it could be terrible for your friend.
If you wait too long, things won’t go well for anyone, so be quick. However, the way you say it is also important. Even if you witnessed this act first-hand (or heard it from the mouth of a horse), you need to remember that perhaps their relationship is not developing the way you thought. Pay attention to what happened, but try not to express judgment. For example, you could say something like:
“Look, I found out about this and wanted to inform you. I don’t know how you settled down and I’m not going to judge, but I felt I had to tell you if you don’t know.
They may surprise you with the phrase “Yes, I know,” or they may not. In any case, in this scenario, you avoid inflammatory, judgmental language, name-calling, and avoid accusations of words such as deceit, deception, fraud, etc.
If they didn’t know what happened, they would probably be a little shocked and upset. In fact, they may not even believe you and they may get angry with you. Nerdlove explains:
As much as people swear that they would like to know, the knee-jerk reflex that I observe in people who are told that their partner is cheating on them is to call it bullshit and – often – get angry at the person telling them. It becomes even more difficult if you have (or suspect that you are) feelings for the person being cheated on. I got emails from guys who will swear that they saw Boy J cheat on K’s girl and are looking forward to informing K of such cheating. Of course, there is the fact that they are not so secretly in love with K, which complicates matters. This almost always ends with K. getting angry with the letter writer for trying to separate the two of them.
Think about what the situation might look like to them before you tell them. Do you have a past with your friend’s soul mate (even if it was just a crush or an accident)? Do you have any feelings for them at all? Before jumping, it is recommended that you look at all the pieces of the puzzle from a third person perspective.
It’s also important to empathize with your friend when you tell them. You too may not believe it if it happened to you; and you can be just as angry. If they want your support, give it to them (even if they are a little mean). Show that you support them, no matter what they decide . Relationships are complicated and it’s not up to you to tell them how to live their life, but you can still be a good friend and support them in everything they do .
Option C: confront a scammer
Confronting the scammer himself may be the safest option if you feel the need to fix the situation but are afraid to ruin your friendship. Just like if you told your friend, you should only consider this if you are sure of what is going on, so do not blame people for things without the facts to back it up. Nerdlove suggests that facing a scammer gives them the opportunity to stop and come to terms with your friend on their own, or you tell them so.
Of course, this comes with its own dangers, because a malicious second person could potentially throw you under a bus and tell your friend that you knew all along. At the same time, if it seems that the fraudster made a mistake and knows that he was wrong, this option can allow the couple to figure out the situation on their own and save you from a fight. You can help a friend and not become a victim of love.