Orgasms Are Not Everything: How to Be Good When Someone Is Not Cumming
“Wait, was that an orgasm?” If you’ve ever had sex with someone who hasn’t had an orgasm, you’re probably familiar with this line of thought. Since most of us tend to view orgasm as the ultimate goal of sex, it can be difficult to know what to do when your partner – whether it’s long-term love or one-night stand – isn’t doing it. ” don’t get there. Here’s what you should do the next time it happens.
Most of us are incredibly sensitive to our orgasms (or lack thereof). We push ourselves so hard to reach orgasm exactly at the right moment, every time, that even the slightest deviation from our expectations can send us into a tailspin. If you’re with a partner who even has occasional orgasmic difficulty, the best thing you can do is show him that you are on their team and that you want them to come to that too. But often people do it in such a way that the pressure only increases. Let’s talk about how to better maintain balance.
Take care of your partner’s pleasure first
This is obvious when you are sleeping with someone who doesn’t give a damn about your pleasure. It’s not a good feeling when it seems like you can be immediately exchanged for an expensive Japanese sex doll . It’s perfectly okay to sleep with strangers or people you don’t particularly care about, but you should try to show everyone some basic respect.
Let your sex partners know you want them to have a good time (and seriously!). Even simple questions like “What can we do to make this evening fun for you?” or “is it good?” let your partner know that you are interested in their pleasure. To be clear, you don’t have to bring your partner to orgasm. Orgasms are too personal an experience to hang on to another person. You also shouldn’t force your orgasm program on the other person if they tell you they don’t need or want an orgasm. But you must help your partner to have fun when he is with you.
Make time for your partner
If you really want to show your partner that you don’t care about their experience, try spending at least a few minutes fully focusing on them without expecting reciprocity.
Kiss their entire body, touch them with your hands , do oral sex, throw in their favorite position, or do what you know they like . If you don’t know what they like, say something like, “I want to take care of you. What seems most interesting to you right now? »If your partner is shy or embarrassed to answer, give them several options to choose from.
By spending time paying attention to their body, let your partner know that you are having a heck of a good time too. Many of us find it difficult to be in the spotlight, so letting your partner know that you really like what you are doing will help them relax and accept. Say something like, “You have amazing taste” or “I can touch you like this for hours.”
If you are with someone you really care about, let them know that you will continue to focus on them until they tell you to stop. Seriously, there is no greater gift for a partner struggling with orgasm than to say, “You can spend all your time in the world. I’m not going anywhere. And I love every fucking minute. “
Communicate (the right way) on the go
Sometimes it can be difficult to know how close or far the other person is from orgasm. This can lead to many awkward moments when you try to guess, stop, or continue. Most people ask questions like “are you there yet?” or “have you come already?” Unfortunately, these questions can make your partner feel embarrassed and put them back on track.
Instead, try making statements or asking questions that focus more on your partner’s pleasure than their orgasm. If you are going to fall on them, say something like, “I will continue until you tell me that you are satisfied.” If you’re trying to figure out how they are doing right now, say something like, “Is there anything I can do to make myself feel even better?”
If you are a dude penetrating your partner, you may find yourself in a unique situation where you worry about the opposite – about orgasm before your partner has time to do it. First, your orgasm doesn’t have to mean the end of the evening! There are many more interesting things you can do after intercourse. You can also try spending the extra time caring for your partner before you guys switch to penetration. If you need a break at the moment, say, “I need a few seconds to cool down, so let me focus on you,” or “I’m getting close, but I want to make sure we take care of you too.” If you’re wondering if your partner can orgasm, you might ask, “Do you think we can make you cum?” Statements like these allow your partner to accept your offer for some TLC or to let you know that you can go ahead and get yours.
Help your partner explore
If you’re with someone you care about, you can be a great source of support on their orgasmic adventures. Help your partner understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to reach orgasm. Learn anatomy , masturbation, and orgasm . When you’re intimate, take the initiative and ask for feedback. One of the most effective ways to do this is to bring a little A / B testing into your bedroom. Try two different techniques and ask your partner, “Do you like it better when I do this or that .” (You can play this game even with someone random).
Again, don’t hold your partner responsible for the orgasm, but make it clear that you are happy to play as little or as big a role in their process as they wish.
Don’t dishonor your partner
First of all, just don’t be a jerk. Your partner is probably putting enough pressure on themselves to have an orgasm, and they don’t need you to make them feel worse. This should be obvious advice. Unfortunately, there are a number of people who need to hear this, as evidenced by the fact that the following real answers my clients have heard:
- “It will take some time”.
- “I’ve never been with anyone who couldn’t have an orgasm.”
- “Are you gay?”
- “What’s happened?”
- “Have you ever had an orgasm?”
- “My ex-girlfriend / boyfriend showed up immediately.”
Let’s keep it simple: don’t say anything that even remotely resembles any of the above phrases! Even such seemingly neutral phrases as “are you approaching?” or “are you going to come?” can seem disgusting if you don’t watch your tone.
You can take your partner’s lack of orgasm personally and lash out in a primitive attempt to protect your ego. It is useless for any of you to bring your partner to orgasm all around. Your partner’s lack of orgasm does not threaten your masculinity or femininity. This does not mean that you are not sexy enough. This does not mean that you feel bad in bed. It doesn’t even mean your partner is having a bad time. Try to remember this before opening your mouth.
Get rid of the orgasm
Orgasms are fantastic, don’t get me wrong. But this is not the only amazing property of being intimate with someone. They are also not a necessary ingredient to have a good time. There are many people who don’t need an orgasm to feel fulfilled. When we focus on those 10-30 seconds of orgasmic bliss, we miss out on so many other opportunities for communication, play, and pleasure. If you can redirect some of your orgasmic attention to making every other moment of your date enjoyable, your partner will not only be infinitely grateful, but in fact, are much more likely to reach orgasm. And you will like it a lot more.