How to Fart in Public and Get Away With It
Flatulence is completely natural, but when it happens in public, you will do everything to avoid embarrassment . Whether they’re quiet and deadly or loud and proud, here are the dastiest ways to turn the gas around others and slip away like a farting ninja.
This post is part of our Evil Week series on Lifehacker where we take a look at the dark side of goal achievement. Sometimes evil is justified, and sometimes knowing evil means knowing how to defeat it. I want more? Visit our wicked week tags page .
Improve your crop spraying technique
Dusting crops is all about farting on the go. Farting and running may seem rude, but everyone in this world is for himself, and if you can quickly get out of where you are, you won’t have to deal with any consequences. If you’re not stuck in a room with people, Jezebel’s Erin Gloria Ryan suggests letting go as soon as you start walking:
If you need to fart and there is no hope of personal relief, do it when you are on the go. Don’t linger in the cloud or return to the crime scene. If you pass gas in your cab, get up and out of it immediately so that your most chatty colleague doesn’t decide that now is a great time to talk and what is that smell? Is this Ukrainian food? If you are on a train, fart and walk to the other end of the carriage. Leave the gas, take the canols. In this sense, farting is something like murder or organized crime.
While you’re on the road, Ryan also recommends that you use whatever you can to hide the scent so it doesn’t haunt you:
You can try to soften the smell – for example, if you carry a scented lotion in your purse, take it out immediately after farting and start casually applying a little to your hands. There is nothing to watch here. It’s just that the lady lets gas through and moisturizes …
Perfume, cologne, deodorant, chapstick, chewing gum, and even cigarettes (if you’re desperate) can help hide the smell. Better to smell like perfume than fart, isn’t it?
Depending on where you are, some areas are better for collecting dust than others. There are three types of ideal plant dusting spots: indoor and outdoor, odorless, and odorless. If you can slip away to an empty staircase, you can fart, oblivious to the world. If you are in the supermarket, you can take a stroll down the shampoo aisle or browse the seafood section and take some time off. Areas around trash cans are also good targets because people expect them to stink already.
If you’re on a date, your harvesting options may be quite limited, but there are a couple of ways. In the video above, the YouTuber nigahiga recommends what he calls a “gentleman”: open the car door for them and let everything out as you make your way to your side of the car. If you don’t have the ability to do this, there is always the classic “lag”: tell someone to go ahead and follow them, clearing the dust out of the way.
Win the game of the guilty
If you can’t escape, you may have to blame someone else. The key is to stay cool, fart as quietly as possible, and follow what PJ Whitehill, author of Catch and Paint Purple: A Complete Guide to Farting , calls the “rule of three or more.” The more crowd you find the better, but there must be at least three people in the area before you even try to pass off your fart as someone else’s. However, as Whitehill explains, you’re not really trying to prove someone else farted:
You only need to create an aura of suspicion. Quite often, protests from accused innocents only make them look more guilty. If the baby starts hanging herself, just relax and let him do your work for you.
To create such an environment, LovePanky employees suggest acting in disgust, but waiting for the signal:
… wait for others around you to sniff a little. Once you see the disgust on their faces, you should react too. This is your cue. Wrinkle up slowly and bring your index and thumb to your nostrils. This will show your disgust and instantly prove your innocence …
As the saying goes, “who smelled, every now and then.” So if you want to act like the smell is a surprise, don’t be the first to point it out. What’s more, you have a much better chance of avoiding guilt if you stand next to someone that others will find guilty.YouTuber The Amyzing Life Guide recommends standing next to an infant or young toddler before allowing one to tear. Just make sure they can’t speak because, as Late Enough’s Alex Ivashina explains , most young children have no difficulty in recognizing their flatulence or drawing attention to the smell in question. Other great pets include the elderly, dogs, or anyone wearing dirty clothes. People tend to assume different things, so use that to your advantage. Look around where you are and ask yourself who you think the fart is and go with them.
However, sometimes you can’t keep quiet about your farting. In this situation, you have two options: admit it or blame your girl for it. It takes a certain amount of courage to directly blame someone for this, but if you say the right things and pronounce them correctly, your girly will instantly become defensive. The above video from YouTube channel Howcast uses a perfect example of a yoga class where people regularly accidentally pass gas. If you are trying to shut up and he starts making a noise, reach out to the person closest to you and say, “Don’t worry about it, it happens to everyone,” and then go back to what you were doing. Redditor tinkywinky86 gives another great example :
This is a good option for unexpected farting that you didn’t have time to prepare for. This is difficult to do because you have to 100% blame the person you choose. After you fart, do not hesitate to turn to the person closest to you from behind and with a quick glance shout, “Really !!! ??? ” If you act resentful enough, you can handle it.
The key is commitment and sincere belief in what you say. If you think you can’t stick to your weapon, you’d better apologize for your smell or not say anything at all.
Save the farts in the elevator until the doors open
Elevators are by far the hardest place to fart and not get caught. Everyone is close together, no one speaks, there is no air flow. At the same time, there is still a way to fart on the sly. The folks at Bubble News recommend one very simple rule: only fart when the door opens. During this time, three important things happen:
- The elevator and doors are noisy
- People go out
- New people come
If you fart when the doors open, you can hide the noise, and the blame for it can easily fall on the farting and running push, or the push who was waiting for them to be in the elevator. At this point, do what Quora’s Jonathan Beck suggests and remain silent to maintain a plausible denial. Everyone will suspect everyone, but no one will know for sure that it was you.