How to Get Rid of the Victim Mentality and Become Stronger
Not a day goes by without us complaining, criticizing, blaming, gossiping, or comparing ourselves to other people. I am of course struggling with this. But sometimes the victim role only limits what we are actually capable of.
This post originally appeared on the Crew blog .
I’ll spend 30 minutes journaling or meditating, only to get in the car, to grab my daughter from kindergarten and silently (okay, okay, not so quiet) curse everyone in the pickup line who doesn’t understand the basic concepts of driving. …
Suddenly I become tense, grumpy, and sometimes even furious. And all this mindfulness work to put me in the right space for the rest of the day? Yes, it went straight out the window. This is a small example, but it demonstrates how easily we turn to emotional reasoning ( I feel it, so it must be true ) to dictate and justify our reactions. And despite our best efforts, emotions are very difficult to control.
But we control them .
Every answer we give to people and events – whether out of habit or deliberately thought out – is our choice. Choices: take responsibility for your actions or blame someone else. It is our choice to say who controls our lives. Either you are in control of the day, or he is you.
How (and why) we love to play the victim
The victim mentality – the idea that we are not responsible for our actions and circumstances – is a story that literally goes back to the origins of time. Adam accused Eve of eating the forbidden apple, and she, in turn, accused the snake of convincing her.
Today, thanks to the Internet and social media, blame, criticism and general rejection have become a regular part of our daily dialogue.
Popular articles such as “The Affectionateness of the American Mind” and “The Rising Culture of Victimization” highlight the heightened sensitivities that have arisen in the workplace, in our high schools and universities. Comedians don’t perform on college campuses because students ” don’t get jokes .” Books are not assigned in class for fear of causing suffering.
As sociologists Bradley Campbell and Jason Manning discuss in their study of “microaggression” and the culture of victimization , we are taught to respond to even the slightest violation. And instead of solving the problem ourselves, we depend on others to validate our victim status.
But all this creates a mindset of powerlessness. We fall into disabling patterns when we blame others, mourn circumstances, and show self-pity.
- “If only X, then it would be better”
- “Why she and not me?”
- “If I were in charge … if everything depended on me …”
David Emerald, in his book Power of TED, calls this victim mindset a “terrible drama triangle,” a concept developed in the 1960s by Dr. Stephen Karpman, where we play any (or all) of three roles:
As victims , we focus on all the negative things in our lives and feel resentful from those who judge and criticize us.
As persecutors , we judge and criticize others, usually out of anger and anger.
Finally, we look to the rescuers – be it another person, vices, or some other way to numb or distract ourselves – for relief. This is why complaint is such a great self-defense mechanism. It’s the perfect way to convince ourselves that we deserve the best when things go wrong (without having to do anything about it). It is much easier to complain and criticize than to create, lead and act.
When we perceive our circumstances as external, we allow ourselves to be effortless and move forward. We don’t grow, mature, or learn from our mistakes . Even though we know that to be a great leader, entrepreneur, or creator, we must do the opposite.
We must invest in continuous growth, recognize our shortcomings and mistakes, and accept responsibility for our destinies.
How can we let go of the victim mentality and gain strength
The antidote to David Emerald’s dramatic triangle is called “The Dynamics of Empowerment .” Where victims focus on problems, creators have a clear understanding of what they want and are empowered to create results for their own lives.
Persecutors become aspirants who help them learn and grow towards self-exploration.
Finally, lifeguards act like coaches – those who support, helping the creator move towards the desired outcome.
There are the same problems, challenges and events. We just look at them through a different lens. To get out of victim mode, we need time to think and ask ourselves:
- What is our ideal result?
- What is the intention behind our responses?
- Whom do we blame for what is happening to us?
- What We Look For “Salvation”
One philosophy based on the constant construction of life’s obstacles in such an inspiring way can be found in the writings of Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus, and other Stoics. Stoicism is based on the idea that we cannot control what happens to us, but we can control our reaction to it.
We become dissatisfied with our lives because we rely on our emotions to dictate our thoughts and actions, as opposed to logic and rational thinking. We forget that obstacles and setbacks are great opportunities for learning and development.
Writer and marketer Ryan Holiday TheObstacle is the Way: The timeless art of turning trials into triumphs , drawing on these stoic principles, shares the stories of great historical figures such as Theodore Roosevelt, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Ulysses S. Grant, and Thomas Edison, among others. others who looked at setbacks and problems as a way to get stronger.
He says:
“It’s one thing not to be overwhelmed by obstacles, disappointed or upset about them. This is what few are capable of. But after you control your emotions, can see objectively and stand steadily, the next step becomes possible: a mental turn, so that you look not at the obstacle, but at the opportunity within it. As Laura Ingalls Wilder said, “There is good in everything, if only we are looking for it.” And yet we look so bad. We close our eyes to the gift. “
It is our nature to believe that everything has to be in a certain way, and therefore we refuse to accept them when they are not. We’ll whine about an annoying coworker as we examine their weaknesses and look for ways to improve our behavior and performance.
A simple exercise to get rid of this victim mentality is to try the no-complain period. And by “not complaining” I mean the absence of gossip, judgment and abuse. My own attempts to refrain from complaining made me realize how powerful words are as sources of influence on our thoughts.
We think in words, so the words we say affect the words we think. In the same way that affirmations and positive mantras affect the way our brains filter and interpret information (this 2012 study actually showed that positive affirmations and mantras can reduce stress, improve decision making and improve performance on difficult tasks) by understanding how we talk about other people teaches us to choose our words more carefully, recognize what we perceive negatively, and focus on solutions and positive responses.
So, instead of thinking, “All you need to learn to drive your damn cars,” I now say to myself, “This is the nature of school pickup trucks, so I’d better download a couple of great audiobooks to save them. keep me company while I wait.
Admittedly, I choose the former by default before I realize my unhealthy reaction, but it is a very effective exercise in making myself aware of my words and thoughts.
By doing this with the daily troubles, difficult situations, and more serious problems we all face, we can improve our ability to remain calm, positive, and action-oriented in stressful situations.
Buddha said, “Our life is the creation of our mind.” Whereas Aristotle said: “The sign of an educated mind is to support a thought without accepting it.”
We cannot avoid hardship and discomfort, and it is useless for us to protect ourselves (and the next generation) from them. We must face our obstacles because, as Socrates taught over 2,500 years ago, we grow and succeed through a process of experience, constant questioning and reflection.
It is up to you how to react to each situation you face. So what’s more important? Anger or Personal Growth?
Obstacle is the answer: how to take control of any situation | Team blog