Focus on Hooks and Hot Buttons to Navigate Emotional Conflicts
When you have an emotional argument, you really have two problems . Emotions and the actual problem. Solve the first by focusing on the so-called hooks and hot buttons.
As explained in the blog Barking Up the Wrong Tree, professional NYPD negotiators use this tactic to deal with tense emotional situations on a regular basis. Simply put, “hooks” are anything that an object positively clings to, and hot buttons are anything that causes a negative reaction. Hot buttons are probably easier to recognize (many people have a fairly high awareness for when something you say will piss someone else off), but hooks can be a powerful way to steer the conversation back in a positive direction:
Hooks and hot buttons can help build rapport quickly because instead of turning a conversation into a fight over demands, they deal with the other side’s emotions to create a more positive mood. Hooks are something that someone likes or likes to talk about. Hot buttons are what makes them angry, frustrated, or overwhelming.
By directing the discussion away from leads and away from hot buttons, you can be sure not to annoy the opposing party unnecessarily, but rather to calm them down. What’s the best way to recognize someone’s hooks and hot buttons? Listening. HNT’s motto is “Talk to me”. NYPD negotiators are taught to spend 80% of their time listening and only 20% talking.
If you’re dealing with someone you know personally, make a mental list of the things they respond to positively. For example, if they are struggling with a bout of low self-esteem, you can remind them of what they did and what they were proud of. While you cannot control the emotions of others, you can handle the situation a little better.
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