How to Stop Being so Damn Distracted During Sex
During sex, do you often think about grocery shopping or are distracted by the cobwebs on the ceiling? When we are intimate, it is very difficult to turn off the brain, although we all know how much better sex can be when we are mentally present. These tricks can help.
Practice outside the bedroom
The key to all of this is mindfulness , or in less jargon, being more present in the moment. If you spend all day in a sea of anxiety, multitasking, and overactive thinking, you cannot expect to be completely calm and focused as soon as your partner starts taking off their clothes . The best way to learn to be more present in the bedroom is to practice slowing your mind outside the bedroom. Presence is a skill that takes practice, and it is usually easier to find a place for this practice when you are not naked with another person.
Meditation can be of great help here. I highly recommend Headspace , an app that teaches you how to meditate . Headspace takes a topic that seems confusing to most people and breaks it down into simple, easy-to-understand concepts. He will guide you through structured meditation sessions so that you never stop wondering what you should be doing. Even 10 minutes of meditation a day will naturally help you feel more present during sex. If there ever was a good argument for starting meditation practice, this is it.
Set yourself up for success
The most common distractions I hear from clients are clutter, electronics, and to-do lists. You can turn your bedroom into a sex paradise by making it a clutter-free and electronics-free area. If you find yourself doing a to-do list often, jot down the items on your to-do list quickly before lashing out at your partner.
Take a moment to think about any other distractions you might have. Are you prone to distraction if you know there are dirty dishes in the sink? Or maybe the peeling paint on the wall is always striking. Take all the necessary measures to distract yourself. Some distractions can be permanently eliminated, while others may require ongoing effort, but the idea is to try to create more mental space for yourself. You don’t want to create a situation where everything has to be perfectly in place before you can establish an intimate relationship with your partner, but you can try to minimize your usual distractions.
Expect distraction
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably had the experience of thinking about cupcakes to bake for your kid’s soccer team, and as a result, feeling guilty about thinking about baking when the eggs were deep in your partner. … You get so upset about your frustration that you end up distracting even more than the original thought.
The truth is, it’s impossible to be present and focus 100% of the time. You cannot make your brain think. You will have unwanted (and incredibly random) thoughts in your head at any time of the day, including during sex. If you expect your mind to clear all thoughts other than how much fun you are with your partner, you will be bitterly disappointed. Instead, accept that distraction is the price we pay for having brains. Try to rethink your goals and think about minimizing distractions rather than eliminating them entirely.
Don’t fight your thoughts
Trying to stop yourself from thinking never works and usually just adds to the distraction. You have to find a way to let the thoughts just be without making them take up even more space.
Headspace has a great metaphor in which they compare mindfulness to sitting at a busy intersection. Imagine that your thoughts are cars driving on the roads. You cannot stop the flow of cars, but you can prevent yourself from jumping into one of the cars and driving away in it. Try to allow thoughts to enter your head during sex, but do not actively think about them. You might even find it helpful to visualize them disappearing from view.
Use your breath
Focusing on the breath is one of the basic principles of mindfulness. This is a great way to let go of your thoughts and return to the present moment. When you feel like jumping into this little hot rod with one of your thoughts, take a deep breath and imagine yourself carefully opening the car door and taking your brain out of the car. One particularly effective breathing technique is to imagine that as you inhale, you lower your breath to the X-rated level, and as you exhale, you go back up to the nose. It takes a little extra attention and brings your attention back to the body.
Tell us what’s going on
Here’s another super-simple mindfulness technique that can work wonders during sex: telling yourself a story (in your head) of what’s going on from moment to moment. It might sound something like this: “Now he runs his hand over my thigh. Now he is spreading my legs. ” This trick makes your brain do something, but focuses it on the sex itself. You can also talk about how your body is reacting to these events, which will help you tune in to the sensations even more. For example, “Now I feel that my breathing is quickening. Now I can feel my stomach flutter. Now my skin tingles with anticipation. ” It’s like writing your own erotica.
