Follow the “I Feel, I Need” Formula so As Not to Quarrel With Your Partner
When you have a bone to carry with your partner, a simple conversation can easily turn into an unpleasant argument. Try the “I feel, I need” formula so that a simple conversation doesn’t turn into a fight.
Fights start for different reasons, but the basic communication habits are usually the same: nagging, inattention, defensiveness, and so on. We’ve brought you seven destructive communication habits , and a few tweaks can make a huge difference.
Many experts (including my own premarital counselor) recommend a few tips or even a script to follow when starting a painful conversation with your partner. These tips and scripts usually boil down to the following, as Redditor clooneymcroy points out:
“I feel X when Y happens, I would like Z.”
An example of this formula in practice would be:
“I get upset when the dishes are not finished. I would like you to make them or let me know when you have time to make them. “
This is a simple (possibly silly) example, but the bottom line is that you don’t blame your spouse so they don’t feel attacked, and you offer a clear solution. Whether they actually do the dishes or not is another question, but the bottom line is that this formulation of the complaint prevents it from escalating into a fight that leads to a truly productive conversation. As I practice this advice myself, I can attest that it works quite well. My fiancé and I have been arguing for quite a long time about one particular topic, and when we talked about it in these terms, we found certain feelings that raised this topic. From there we were able to look at it objectively and finally came to a productive conclusion.
Again, the formula is an oversimplification and your own conversation will obviously include more details. But it’s a helpful reminder to let your partner know how you feel without blaming them.
LPT: While explaining to your SO why you are upset follow this general structure