How to Visit Family Without Treating It Like a Child
When you head home to visit your family, tons of childhood memories will come back to you, as well as some old family circumstances. Some dynamics, such as internal jokes or age-old traditions, are comforting and good. But others, like teasing, babysitting, or people who don’t take you seriously, are not very good. You may be an adult now, but your parents and siblings can make you feel like eight over and over again.
You’ve probably changed a lot over the years, and there’s a good chance you worked hard to grow into the person you are today. Going home to see your family doesn’t have to mean denying who you have become, but when you are surrounded by the people you grew up with, it’s hard not to return to your old habits and family roles. It may not seem so bad at first that you are treated like a child, but all it takes is to remind you that there are many things you didn’t like as a child either. You may be the youngest or middle child who has been repeatedly bullied by other siblings . Or maybe the parent just never bothered to try to make eye contact or take you seriously about certain things. However, if you want to be treated like an adult at home, there is a lot you can do.
Decide which version you will be before you go home
We asked Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Lifehacker employee Vanessa Marin where you should start, and she advised you to decide how you want to approach your case before heading home to visit. You need to define how you want to act and think about how it differs from how you usually act at home. Prepare a game plan and be ready to follow through with it.
For example, suppose you have long been attached to a bitter and sarcastic child in your family, but have softened over the years and want to show that you have become much kinder. Marin invites you to keep this goal in mind the entire time you are at home, and when you find yourself rolling in old habits, note:
It can help remind yourself of this in the moment by saying things like, “Am I falling back into the old dynamic again?” or “which version of me is answering here?”
So for our example, make the theme for the entire trip more enjoyable than usual. Or maybe you have always been considered the inappropriate prankster and make it your goal to keep lewd jokes to a minimum. If you can highlight the big changes you’ve made in your life, your family will notice.
Act like an adult and solve problems as early as possible
Sometimes feeling like an adult is more important than being perceived as an adult. Likewise, when you are confident , you feel more confident , and conscious behavior as an adult can make you feel more mature. Helping around the house without warning, talking the way you usually talk to others, sharing your honest thoughts and opinions, being assertive and answering the questions they ask you without acting like a shy child who is afraid of his grandfather will make you feel yourself as an adult, no matter how you are treated. Meredith Redding , a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), also suggests that taking an adult pose will also help :
Sit up straight with your feet flat on the floor and notice when you start to shrink. Also notice if your voice starts to regress into a childish tone. Gently catch yourself, breathe into your center, and speak the truth with an adult resonance.
If you look and sound like an adult, it will be more difficult for your family members to ignore it. At first they may upset you, but over time they will realize that this is exactly who you are now. It also helps you remember how your family represents you so that you don’t let their expectations change your lifestyle. You may be a little Timmy the hack for them, but that’s not who you are in your head anymore, so don’t let that be the one that drives your thoughts and actions. Be aware of how they see you so that you can carefully transfer their perception of you to another location.
For example, if you can’t get your parents to stop caring for you, Marin suggests that you differentiate situations as best as possible so that it’s a win-win for both parties:
Some parents find it difficult to let you be an adult because they miss parenting (this can be especially true for empty nests). Give them a task! So, for example, you could tell your mom something like, “I appreciate that you still want to wash my laundry after all these years, but it will mean so much more to me if you make that old hot chocolate recipe. to which I’m used to. do for me.
Let them get what they want as you continue your crusade to becoming you. If you know that certain family members will cause you problems, Marin recommends solving the main problems as early as possible so that they don’t even have time to return you to your original place. Take your politically-minded, controversial brother , for example, and admit that you guys always end up stabbing each other. Then agree to make a No Talk Politics pact while you both are there. They might not agree or break the contract, but it’s worth at least trying to fix the problems before they get out of hand.
Be persistent and coach your family members over time
However, keep in mind that these strategies will not work overnight. You must be persistent and unforgiving in showing them how you want them to be seen. Dr. Daniel Shaw , a researcher in the Department of Psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, explains :
So, for example, if you’ve always been a close-knit person at home when you said, “Actually, I really don’t think this is good for me,” you are likely to look around in surprise. – but then they would probably say, “Oh, she’s having a bad day, don’t worry about that. But then repeat …
Basically, you have to teach your family how you want to be treated. If you don’t repeat your lessons, they won’t learn.
Treat your family as you would your friends
Sometimes breaking out of the familiar family formula is as easy as treating them a little differently. Catherine Conger , professor of human development and family studies at the University of California, Davis, recommends a very simple piece of advice : Imagine that your family is just a group of your friends. When you think of them as your friends, normal conversation becomes easier and you relax your guard a little. It will also lower their alertness and force them to communicate on a completely different level.
This tactic is especially useful with siblings. They might be a little surprised at first, but take your time. It also doesn’t hurt to show an interest in your family’s life. Bustle’s Jaime Lutz notes that your family may seem boring, but that’s because you spent a lot of time with them as a self-centered little kid. If you take some time to ask them for their opinion or details of their life, they will probably start to respect you a little more. They will think less of you as a child, and you may learn something interesting that you never knew.
Take time to escape and regroup
When all else fails, you need to have an escape plan so you can reevaluate the situation and remind yourself of how you normally act. Marin explains that taking care of yourself helps a lot in situations like this, so try to get out of the house and play sports or visit friends. If you usually have time to read, take that time at home or at a nearby café. If you love watching your favorite shows to recuperate, dive into your room and download a DVD with your friends (my personal strategy). Whatever you usually do to take care of yourself and stay sane as an adult, don’t forget it just because you’re back with your family. Be careful not to shut down completely, but at least have a plan for when things get dire.