How to Answer Awkward Personal Questions Your Family Always Asks
Several years ago, I brought a new boyfriend over to Christmas dinner. “Is this the same boy as last time?” my uncle asked. It was bad enough, but when I told him no, he continued, “Every year a different boy.” Merry Christmas! If your family is like mine, they love to ask painfully awkward questions, which can make the holidays stressful. Here’s how to deal with it.
The obvious answer to all of this is: just tell your family it’s none of their business. But this can only aggravate the situation. Chances are, the older people in your family still see you as a child, so they often think it’s okay to ask personal questions. The nunya is not very helpful in clarifying this. When your family members ask awkward questions, there are better ways to do it.
Overall, you want to give a short and sweet answer that doesn’t reveal too much or distract your attention. A simple phrase will do: “We are not thinking about children anytime soon.” Of course, I answered my uncle’s question rather succinctly, and it still confused me as hell, but I can only imagine how much worse it could have been if I had gone into the details.
Change the theme strategically
A joke or short answer is a big hint that you don’t feel like discussing this topic. The problem is that some people won’t take the hint, or worse, they don’t care. In this case, you might have to rely on other methods.
The short answer is great, but it can also leave an awkward silence in its wake. You can fill that silence by simply changing the subject. However, the transitions can be difficult. For example: “No, we will not have children. Hey, what about a turkey? This is a bad transition and can draw more attention to an already awkward moment. Find a bridge instead. Something like, “No, we won’t have children. But we are planning a trip to Niagara Falls! You were there, right? In this case, the bridge is Niagara Falls , and you quickly changed the subject.
Also, if a family member is genuinely interested in what is happening to you, too obvious a deviation will not work. Here’s what David Clough, Licensed Family Therapist at Skylight Counseling, recommends:
Try something like colloquial Jiu-Jitsu, in which you pull the topic to yourself before using the questioner’s impulse against them. Don’t meet strength with strength. Instead, let them talk a little, just as long as you’re comfortable, and then quickly move the topic in a different direction. For example, when a family member asks, “What happened to your ex?” it might be better to just tell the truth. “We couldn’t do it. You know what a relationship can be. However, he is a great guy and we are in a good place. How is your son doing in college? “
One of my favorite ways to change the subject seamlessly is to ask someone for advice – a risky move, but it can work surprisingly well.
In general, people love to talk about what they know, so when you ask them for advice, they often start talking about themselves and not about you. Keeping your answers short and gentle will work well. For example, when a family friend asked me about children, I said, to turn the conversation around, “Oh, I don’t know. What’s the hardest part about having a baby? “
It turned into a much more enjoyable and interesting conversation about this person’s parenting experience. But more importantly, we didn’t talk about my personal life decisions anymore!
Rejection works well with people who struggle to strike up a conversation. The topic change works because it gives them what they want: something to talk about.
However, if your family is curious, you may need to take the situation up a notch.
Find out why they ask
In Psychology Today, psychotherapist F. Diane Barth discussed why people ask inappropriate questions and narrowed them down to several reasons, including :
- They don’t know any better; they may not realize that the questions make you uncomfortable.
- They rebel : they know that this is a bad form, but they do not think that it should be so, so they ask anyway.
- They are evil or hostile : they can push your buttons.
- They are trying to contact you : they may genuinely want to help or get to know you better.
Dr. Dave Popple, president of the Psynet Group, recommends asking directly about a person’s intentions. He offers several examples:
- Have you found a boyfriend yet? You: Are you worried that I might be lonely?
- How is your job search going? You: Are you worried that I have financial problems?
- When will you start a family? You: Are you worried that I’m waiting too long?
Popple says that by answering this way, you get one of two types of responses:
Just curious people quickly change the subject. For those who care, you have the opportunity to honestly talk about a real issue.
People ask awkward questions for a variety of reasons, and when you understand their intent, you can better understand how to deal with it.
If, for example, someone just wants to reach out to you, you are probably lucky to change the conversation by asking their advice. If they just ask because they don’t know anything, changing the topic works well too. If someone rebels or tries to push your buttons, you will have to act more directly, such as lowering your leg.
Put your foot down (diplomatically)
It’s hard not to immediately get defensive when someone asks about a sensitive topic, but obviously that could open up a whole can of worms. This can make the situation even more awkward or even worse, turn an impolite question into a real fight.
When you’re dealing with someone who creates uncomfortable situations, and they do not seem to understand the clues, try this simple scenario, inspired by a graduate of the Adam Dachisom Lifehacker :
You may not be aware, but this question makes me uncomfortable. You have the right to ask, but maybe we can talk about a topic that we both like.
This dialogue includes three points: the fact that you are uncomfortable, the confirmation of the other person’s behavior, and the achievement of mutual agreement.
In most families, a little awkwardness is usually inevitable. But with a few tricks in hand, you can dodge unpleasant questions and keep the conversation going.