How to Stop Apologizing for Everything You Do
For many of us, the word “sorry” has become what we say back, regardless of whether we did anything wrong. This seemingly harmless habit can actually diminish your self-esteem, justify other people’s bad actions, and make you a breeze.
There is nothing wrong with apologizing for your bad deeds . But when an apology becomes your automatic reaction to anything that makes you feel a little uncomfortable, it can be problematic. For example, I tend to apologize when someone bumps into me in a bar or club. I immediately raise my hand in peace and quickly apologize with a smile even though they just spilled half of my $ 14 drink on the floor. Is that polite of me? Perhaps, but I didn’t need to apologize. In fact, I was not sorry at all, I was annoyed, and you probably felt the same way at one point or another. It’s an “apology” that comes out of your own mouth, not to apologize, but in order not to rock the boat and create inconvenience (the woman who read this over my shoulder in a cafe while I was writing this agreed) …
Tiny Buddha’s Laurie Deschene suggests that your apology will automatically tell others that you believe you are at fault for the problem. The person at the bar who spilled my drink can now assume that I was at fault (or at least it was a mutual confrontation) and that I am the jerk who almost spilled his drink on their brand new shoes. By and large, it doesn’t really matter whose fault it is. But the more you turn it into a habit, the more you will use it in situations that do the trick.
Unnecessary excuses also indicate that you would rather be compliant than honest. Over time, your exuberant apologies will seem submissive and leave you a waste of time that others will try to take advantage of at work and at home. Excessive apologies also needlessly create guilt in your mind and undermine your self-esteem. Not only are you constantly telling others that you are responsible for everything that goes wrong, you are also telling yourself. It’s hard to feel good when you keep falling on a sword that shouldn’t come out of its scabbard at all.
Apologize
If you find yourself apologizing a lot, don’t worry. Do one of these with a few minutes of introspection. Laurie Deschen of Tiny Buddha recommends two simple questions you can ask yourself every time you apologize:
- “Did I really do something wrong?”
- And if not: “Did I really want to communicate what I think I did?”
This exercise only takes a few seconds, but it helps you reprogram your brain to look at an apology differently. You will start separating unnecessary apologies from real ones, and eventually you won’t have to repeat at all.
Change your vocabulary
If you’re looking for an easy way to turn your apology into something else, simply changing your vocabulary will go a long way. Saying “sorry” can be a speech tic like “uh” or “uh”, so it only takes a little practice to get through. Lisa Washington of AllWomensTalk invites you to reflect on the circumstances of your apology:
… take a close look at your speaking patterns and note the who, what, when, where, and how of conversations that lead to an apology. Are you talking to family members, friends, or coworkers? Are you apologizing to avoid conflict, or are you appeasing someone? Be aware of the environment and circumstances surrounding the incidents that trigger the apology so that you can better understand what drives the habit.
They are strangers to me. Once you’ve identified who or what makes you apologize the most , you can turn those embarrassing moments into a starting point for your new phrases. For example, upon learning of my habit, I switched from “sorry” to “shake-bar-bros” to “forgive me” or “sorry” instead. I can still be good without blaming myself in the first place.
Ask questions without admitting that you are disabled
Asking questions can also be a “sorry” breeding ground. Donna Flagg, author of “Surviving the terrible conversation,” explains that we deprive ourselves of the right, when apologize, asking the question. For example, Flagg offers a simple workaround when you want to ask for help:
… … … You don’t need to apologize if you ask for help or clarification. All you have to say is, “Could you help me figure this out?” Or “Could you explain this in a little more detail?
If you want to ask a more direct question and don’t want to sound rude, you can start with “If you don’t mind, I’ll ask …” instead of “I’m sorry, can I ask you something?” This allows you to be polite without changing yourself or asking the question as if it were being rude.
Turn your “sorry” into a “thank you”
“Sorry” can often be a disguised “thank you”. When someone does something that makes you both look good, don’t apologize for not doing it yourself. Show some gratitude instead. Juliana Brains, Ph.D. from Psychology Today, explains :
When your roommate or other significant other is washing the dishes, instead of apologizing for not washing them on their own (which just burdens them with the need to calm you down), express your gratitude (which makes them feel happy and valuable and probably , the more inclined to voluntarily wash the dishes later).
Again, Brain’s example only works if you normally do your part of the housework, so keep that in mind. However, there are many different situations that you can thank for an apology. If someone criticizes your work, you can thank them for their feedback rather than apologizing for something you’ve worked hard on . If you want to genuinely share your feelings with someone, you can thank them for listening or understanding instead of apologizing for it. Swapping guilt and self-respect for gratitude sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.