Do Not Let the Complaint Turn Into a Fight by Starting to Object With the Words “I Would Like To”
When your spouse or partner does something that annoys you, it’s easy to bring up the topic in a way that blames you. Even if they are to blame, this approach often leads to struggle. To avoid controversy, try telling your spouse what you want instead of just expressing your grievances.
My family counselor offers a lot of great relationship advice and this is one of my favorites because it saves a lot of time and relieves headaches. When we are annoyed by our partners (or even our friends or family), we usually confront them as follows:
- “Why didn’t you wash the dishes?”
- “Ask me before inviting our friends.”
- “Can you stop leaving your dirty socks in the living room?”
All of these approaches convey the essence, but they are also a little passive-aggressive. We usually approach a conversation this way because we are upset and need to be given a way out. And it’s okay to voice your displeasure, but passive aggression in this regard only makes the other person defend themselves. In short, it’s a bad habit that kills strong communication .
Instead, the next time you have a problem with your partner, start the conversation by saying “I would like to.” For instance:
- “I want you to ask me before inviting people.”
- “I want you to wash the dishes today.”
- “I want you to put your socks in the wash.”
In fact, my consultant suggests starting the conversation with “I want”, but if you are worried about sounding too demanding, “I would like” is fine too. The idea is to just focus on the solution and reimagine the conversation as a request, not a complaint. I’ve tried this in my relationships and it works incredibly well.
This works because you don’t start the conversation as a conflict. In fact, you are asking your partner for help, and generally speaking, we want to help our loved ones. Thus, this simple approach not only avoids controversy, but also promotes the expression of affection.