How to Maintain Strong Friendships When You Make More Money
When Misty Cain recently met a friend at a cafe, she told her that she was going to pick up the check as a treat. Instead of a simple “thank you,” the friend “joked that she would have chosen a more expensive restaurant if she knew what I was buying,” says Kane.
This post was originally published on LearnVest .
“When it comes to success, I have thick skin; so friendly jokes don’t bother me, ”she says. But as a successful business owner and founder of the consulting website Whyzze , Cain is often faced with the income inequality she has with many in her long-term social circle.
Sometimes this inconsistency leads to comments becoming less humorous and more caustic. They are not easy to blow off. Rachel Parker *, a 26-year-old marketer, makes many times more money than her close friend Zoe. They contacted while in college, but now that she graduated from high school, Rachel’s income is much higher than Zoe’s. Even when Rachel happily agrees to take care of the dinner check, Zoe makes it a problem.
“She’ll say,“ Oh, you can probably just spend it on your big budget, ”or“ It’s going to be the most delicious food I’ll eat in an entire week, but it’s probably going to be every day for you, ”explains Rachel. She says she doesn’t want to lose Zoe’s friendship, but the comments make her wonder about their future.
Of course, friction in friendships is inevitable from time to time. However, when your financial success comes at a time when others are just surviving, stress can easily reach critical levels – not to mention succumb to pressure that will make you reach for your wallet more than you would like. To help you save not only your friendship, but possibly your budget, we asked experts to weigh in on how to navigate three difficult relationships.
Friend “That must be cute …”
Even good friends can get a little jealous when you fly to Europe. Again. But if you have a friend who cannot help but say: “Of course, you are going on another vacation!” or “It should be nice to have a new car,” in which case you may need to have a more direct conversation with them.
If friends are racking their brains , “call them,” suggests Maggie Baker , Ph.D., psychologist and financial therapist, author of Crazy About Money: How Emotions Hinder Our Choice of Money and What to Do About It . Say, “You seem to be offended by my luck or hard work.” Then use that as a starting point to honestly talk about how the comments make you feel.
Or you may need to explain, as in your case, the money is actually the fruit of your labor. As Daniela Schreier, a psychiatrist and clinical psychologist based in Chicago, notes, higher-income workers are likely to devote a lot of time and effort to their work, even if it is not always obvious to others. So the next time she gets sarcastic, remind your friend that you’re online all weekend or that you work 60 hours a week. “Don’t be arrogant to say, ‘Hey, I have a really hard job and sometimes I need to leave.’
It also helps to understand that the other person might not know how to manage feelings of jealousy, ”says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine and producer of the friendship blog . Levin recommends admitting that you are lucky that you travel as often as you do. Then try to include something positive about your friend’s work or personal life in the conversation, such as “You’re so lucky to be doing the job you enjoy so much.”
A friend who “never reaches the check”
“Of course, if you can afford to heal from time to time and want to, continue,” Levin says. It might be nice to be able to pay the bill. “However, you shouldn’t expect to always pay for you,” Levin says. Schreier suggests setting boundaries by saying something like, “I want to celebrate your friendship tonight with a special dinner. Please let me heal. ” So you made it clear that this is a special case.
If you feel like you’re always looking for a check because a friend asks you to, or suddenly develops alligator arms and lets them sit on the table, consider dealing with the situation calmly. “You could say, ‘Hi, I had dinner last time; can you take it today? “- advises Schreier. Or just do the math and tell your friend what he owes.
For the most part, however, higher earnings come under pressure to avoid embarrassing a friend by choosing an expensive restaurant or bar. When Baker meets up with her friends who are earning less money, she usually asks them to pick a spot so they can pick one that fits their budget. This is a good rule of thumb to reduce the expectation that you will pay your bill.
The question “Can you help me make my initial deposit?” Friend
Receiving a request for a large amount of cash can be a real shock to the system, but don’t be so shocked as to automatically say yes. Remember that you don’t have to be a bank of friends and family, and you shouldn’t feel guilty when you say no.
However, sometimes you may really want to help the person, or the circumstances of the request warrant consideration. But before you say yes, think about the basic rule of lending: “Never lend money that you cannot afford to lose,” says Levin. If you think your friend is truly at stake, you can offer him as a gift by saying, “I can’t lend you $ 2,000, but I can give you $ 500.” However, if it’s a loan, protect yourself by writing a clear contract that includes interest as well as conditions, says Schreier.
Ultimately, it’s important to keep in mind that you still have your own budget and financial goals to think about, and all those “little” cash requests (or tabs you always pick out of habit) shouldn’t come for your account. Ultimately, knowing how to set boundaries will help you strengthen friendships and strengthen your finances.
How To Maintain Strong Friendships When You Make (Much) More Money | LearnVest