Forgiveness Is Good, but Timely Forgiveness Can Be Even Better.
As difficult as it may be, forgiving someone who offended you is beneficial to everyone. But, according to a recent body of research, knowing when to forgive someone can be just as important, especially in romantic relationships.
When it comes to forgiving your partner for their wrongdoing, knowing their identity is key. Research by James K. McNulty and W. Michelle Russell and published in the Bulletin of Personality and Social Psychology shows that it is not always best to forgive someone right away, even if you want to. Pleasant personality types will see their behavior upset you, and when you forgive them, they feel obligated not to do it again, no matter when you forgave them. A kind of unspoken moral contract.
However, the less pleasant types are more likely to do the same if you forgive them too quickly. If you don’t get angry at first, a disconnection will occur. For them, anger is an adequate response to their wrongdoing, so instant forgiveness more or less tells them that they are not aware. Basically, they think, “If you’re not angry, it shouldn’t matter so much, so I’ll keep doing it.” As Annie M. Gordon explains in Greater Good , this can cause a lot of confusion in your relationship:
If you treat anger as an appropriate response and your partner is not angry about what you are doing wrong, you will probably feel that the wrongdoing has no meaning to him. You may even wonder how much they really care about your relationship. You may also feel confused when your partner seems to be overreacting to your anger, and get angry yourself when your partner continues to commit transgressions in the future.
There is no magic solution to this kind of problem, but the best thing you can do is talk frankly about it with your partner. Identify what forgiveness and anger mean to each of you. It may be better to be angry with your partner for a while before forgiving him when he does something that bothers you. Sorry, but don’t let them forget so easily. Or maybe you would rather have your partner show you that they are upset when you do something that worries them. In any case, unless you put everything on the table and start chatting, there is always a chance that a small misbehavior will turn into a much larger problem.
When should you forgive your partner? | The highest good