Why You Should Talk to Strangers (and Why “unfamiliar Danger” Is a Sham)
People can go to great lengths not to talk to each other. On the train, in a museum, or in line at the grocery store, we often retreat inward, our faces buried in books or screens. As a result, many people tend to live alone, unaware of the benefits that random – and even fleeting – interactions with strangers can bring.
Skepticism and even outright fear of strangers is deeply rooted in pop culture and the broader zeitgeist of the times, as our collective contempt for our neighbors crystallized in classic films like Strangers on a Train and in the wider 80s panic . associated with “danger to strangers.” which to some extent still persists.
Writer Joe Keohane tried to answer the question of why we hate talking to strangers so much in his new book, The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Communicating in a Suspicious World. This is partly a treatise about intense social anxiety caused by strangers, and a mountain of psychological evidence to prove addiction is terribly wrong. But it also serves as a practical guide for anyone looking to expand and welcome the countless benefits of opening to the people around you – an aspiration that can be very helpful in times of need.
Why don’t we like talking to strangers?
Keohan says the reasons for our refusal to communicate with strangers are numerous, from population density and the advent of smartphones to “social messaging about how dangerous strangers are, to more insidious issues of gender, race and class.”
He tells Lifehacker that a lot of it boils down to our preconceived notions of other people and how often people believe that others will not respond positively to their attempts to communicate. “Researchers have found that people worry that they won’t know what to say, or that they will be rejected, or they will look stupid or crazy, and that they won’t know how to end a conversation,” he says.
This mentality has been shaped by decades of social conditioning. To be sure, history has proven that people often build imaginative walls between themselves and others, and the idea of “otherness” has been a poisonous motivator advocated by some world leaders to divide people.
In particular, the 1980s were the time when the idea of ”alien danger” began to spread widely. “It was a moral panic,” Keohan says. “After several horrific incidents involving the kidnapping and murder of children, the United States launched a crusade against strangers. It was then that the term “alien danger” entered the lexicon. “
But for that matter, people thrive when social barriers are broken down. Keohan’s book cites a plethora of recent research indicating that casual social interactions between strangers almost always work out better than participants expect. “It comes naturally to them,” he says. “Conversations last longer, people are more interested in them than they expected, and they are more interested in strangers,” than they thought.
Why You Should Talk to Strangers
Talking to strangers is a balm for an isolated soul, but because of smartphones (and many other factors), we do it much less often than ever. “With the advent of digital technology,” says Keohan, “we have a lot less personal contact, and at the same time, we are seeing a surge in mental illness and loneliness.”
The book cites numerous studies demonstrating the benefits of talking to strangers, which Keohane summarizes: “People who seek these conversations report leaving feeling happier, more connected, more gullible, less alone … they also feel improved feelings well-being. -being, belonging and optimism “.
It’s not entirely clear to researchers why people report feeling so great after interacting with strangers – even after friendly conversations – but Keohan suggests it may have something to do with oxytocin release. Either way, the undeniable truth lies in the data : people often just feel good about talking to strangers. As for Keohan, he reports a sense of relief that comes over him after talking to someone he doesn’t know because he “finds that people aren’t as awful as we were made to think.”
How to talk to strangers
One way is to stay within your comfort zone. Keohan recommends “starting with what seems physically safe to you.” He admits that his place as a white heterosexual boyfriend gives him a certain privilege that won’t be fair to many other people, so definitely act at your own pace (and of course, remember that the pandemic is still ongoing ).
First, there are groups — such as Sidewalk Discussion , Living Room Conversations, or New York Conversations — that anyone can join to practice. But to everyone who just dared to leave the house, Keohan advises to abandon the traditional spoken script. Eye contact is key; how to ask open-ended questions that start with “how” or “why”. Of course, always keep social cues in mind – this is not a reason to pester anyone.
The author advises:
Don’t talk too much about yourself. Instead, take your hands off the wheel. Let them talk and try to understand what they are saying, where they come from, what motivates them. Avoid judgment, disdain, or contempt … And just let the conversation go where it wants to go.
Letting go of your worries and how you think the conversation will unfold will ultimately liberate you immensely. “In my experience,” Keohan says. Talking to strangers “will always surprise you.”