How to Spot the Breadcrumb in Your Relationship and What to Do About It
When you are dating someone romantically, you should expect them to be honest about their feelings for you – otherwise why bother? But sometimes you will meet someone who seems interesting to you, but does not really want to get involved with anything that comes close to a real relationship. If this sounds familiar, you may be a victim of bread crumbs.
This is a funny albeit accurate name for when it seems like someone is constantly signaling their interest in developing your relationship, but they only give you enough to keep you coming back and again, whether it’s an unexpected late night call or a few. unexpected calls early in the morning. morning heart eyes emoticons. Breadcrumbs will never come out in quantities that will truly satisfy your emotional needs, but they will feed you just enough to keep you from flying into the chicken coop.
What does a bread crumb look like in a relationship?
It is an old chestnut tree with a name appropriate for the age of the Internet. The City Dictionary defines breadcrumbs as follows :
When the “lover” is not going to go further, but he likes the attention. So they flirt here or there, send dm / messages to get the person interested, knowing damn well that they stay alone.
Of course, this behavior existed as long as people courted each other; in less memorial terms, this is also known as “leading someone.” But unlike their equally venomous counterparts, slowly disappearing and halos , breadcrumbs are more about taunting someone for attention, without giving them much real, high-quality interaction.
This person may just want to talk to someone when they are lonely, so they will text you and strike up a conversation. You seem to be building rapport, but when you ask if they would like to meet in person, you get crickets in return. The constant immediacy of text and direct messages only exacerbates the problem, says psychologist Val Walker, writing for Psychology Today. According to one study she cites, the baby leaves people tethered to their devices, waiting for alerts that may never appear. “Breadcrumb uses reinforcements that stimulate addictive behaviors (waiting for likes, random messages, praise, rewarding comments, flirtatious texts and photos),” writes Walker . “The main motivator for this behavior is the expectation of a reward.”
Obviously, being jaded with bread crumbs isn’t good, but it can be easy to fall for. Not that you should berate yourself for this – when people use these tactics, it often says more about their problems than it does about you. As Kelly Campbell, a psychology professor at California State University, San Bernardino, told Brides magazine , low self-esteem and the need for verification are persistent traits in people looking for crumbs. “They don’t feel comfortable or confident if they don’t receive constant reassurance from others that they are worthy or valuable,” she said, so they often look for the simplest form of that confirmation, just to feel better for a moment.
What to do if you are tortured
There are really only two ways to end the breadcrumb torture. Of course, you can directly confront this person, but this is unlikely to cause a meaningful change in his behavior; however, letting them know that you have suffered can be catharsis. On the other hand, Walker advised talking to others about the experience, especially if it bothers you, in order to get some kind of your own sense of validation.
She wrote:
Call it by name and condemn the practice. Talk to a close friend, family member, or therapist. They, too, were likely exposed to crumb at some point in their lives. Or write in your diary.
Once you understand what these breadcrumbs are, you will feel more confident when you decide to just stop taking the bait. Finally: never blame yourself. It is not your fault that you are treated this way. Realize that you do not deserve such hypocrisy in any way. Plus, once you’ve named and processed the presence of breadcrumbs in your life, you’re much less likely to put up with someone else trying it in the future.