How to Deal With Empty Nest Syndrome During a Pandemic
In the past year, many parents have had unexpected experiences with their grown children returning to them due to various issues related to the pandemic, such as their university’s transition to online classes, job loss, or financial stress. According to a recent Pew Research Center poll , 52% of young people aged 18-29 were living with their parents in July 2020. This is the highest percentage recorded since the start of the measurement, the second highest at the end of the period. The Great Depression. The nest, once empty, was full again.
Now that everything is reopening, many parents are faced with the fact that their children move again , which causes a second round of empty nest syndrome. For many parents, this can lead to feelings of grief and loss, as well as an overestimation of who they are beyond their parenting role. And at the moment, these feelings are mingling with many other stressors of the past 18 months.
“COVID is just more vulnerable,” said Natalie Kane, whose Life In Transition organization supports parents in transition, such as moving their children.
When adult children leave and then come back
“As a family, we have a lifestyle that becomes somewhat comfortable,” said Jerrold Shapiro , professor of clinical psychology at Santa Clara University and author of Finding Meaning, Confronting Fears: Living a Full Middle Aged Life. and a pension . “Then there is a shift where you suddenly move from a system in which children can be the focal point to where the parents are only with each other. This requires a lot of adjustment. “
In the case of adult children returning and then leaving again, this has created new tension as parents have to first navigate a new set of housekeeping rules and expectations for living with their older children. Even if the parent-child relationship is healthy, returning an adult can be stressful.
“When the children leave home, you adjust, you create a new system, then they come back, and that requires another set of adjustments, and this is a difficult adjustment, because when the children return, they are no longer small,” Shapiro said. Then, when their children leave again, the parents have to adjust again. “Each of these adjustments makes us fear the unknown,” Shapiro said.
Reassessing your own goals and dreams
“Meeting the fear of the unknown with reasonable, moderate portions is great,” Shapiro said. This can include trying out new hobbies, changing gears in a career, and spending extra time with your partner to re-establish a relationship outside the context of their parenting roles.
When parents are faced with empty nest syndrome, it is important to be patient and remember that it will take time to adapt. “Making these adjustments is incredibly difficult,” Shapiro said. “When you adjust to someone moving into your home and leaving, and then moving in and out, these adjustments need to be made all the time.”
The biggest challenge children face when moving from home is the process of re-establishing their identity outside of the parental role. “Parents struggle with the question, ‘What is my role? “- said Kane.
Moving from a busy full-time parenting schedule to a quieter, empty home can come as a shock, even if they are leaving for the second time. For many parents, this is a time to rely on their support network of friends and family, and it is a good time to reevaluate some of their own goals and dreams.
“Allow yourself to indulge in dreams of things that you’ve never done before, but might want to do,” Kane said. “You need to create your dream list and reality list.”
For some, this could mean a new career opening; for others, it could be health and fitness or a new hobby. This dream list will look different for everyone, but it is important to define what is important to you and not some of the more stereotyped activities others might expect.
Maintain open communication with your children
Just because your children have moved does not mean that you are no longer a parent. “The worry about children after they go to college will not diminish much,” Shapiro said. This is the time when you should hope that you have taught your children well enough that whatever stupid and risky things they do, they will not harm them, at least not forever. In a world with COVID-19, this also means you need to worry about keeping them healthy.
As Kane emphasizes, it’s important to let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes, including you, and that you will still be there for them when they do, whether they have learned from their experiences or not.
“Don’t be a teacher, be empathetic,” Kane said. As she notes, if you focus too much on learning from your mistakes, it confuses children, making them think that if they don’t learn something, you might not be around them. “What you really mean is, ‘Mistakes happen, and we are here for you. Period, said Cain.