How to Get Your Child to Stop Lying All the Time (and Why They Lie in the First Place)
The first time a parent catches their child in a lie is enough to make their heart sink. It doesn’t matter about a broken plate on the floor or about the candy they so obviously sneaked in and ate; most mothers and fathers want to raise their children in good faith. And when children are being dishonest, it can easily feel like you failed to instill a core value in your child.
But here’s the good news: Lying is part of normal child development and, in fact, is common among young children. It is how parents react to this that will teach the importance of honesty and how to apply it later in life. We’ll show you how to deal with lying when it happens and what to do when dishonesty becomes a real problem.
Why do children lie?
Young children do not understand the moral consequences of lying. This is because they often find it difficult to distinguish reality from imagined when they are young and want to please you.
“The line between fantasy and reality is a bit hazy for [children] than for [adults],” says Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and mother of three.
She adds that children will lie whenever they think that telling the truth will get them in trouble. They see lying as a way to stay close to their parents, ensuring their biological survival and the psychological safety that a child needs to grow and thrive.
“From an evolutionary perspective, our children need to feel safe with us, which means they need to feel like we want them to be around and that we love them,” she says. “If they feel ashamed and lonely in speaking the truth, they’ll have to lie to keep them feeling good in the moment.”
What if the child is lying?
As mentioned above, young children find it difficult to distinguish between good and evil, and punishing them for their actions out of fear can lead them to lie even more on the road. For example, when a child knocks down another child’s block tower and insists that he did not, Kennedy recommends that instead of trying to catch him in a lie or accuse him of dishonesty, try to listen to him to restore trust:
“Tell them,” Oh, you didn’t knock him down. ” If someone did, and I know it wasn’t you, I think something happened that made this child lower his brother’s or sister’s tower. I wonder what this child must have felt. If you find out who this child is, could you tell them that I won’t be upset? There will be no punishment. I just want to know what’s going on so we can avoid doing it again. “
The undesirable behavior of the child is likely to hide difficult emotions. If a child believes that his or her parents are interested in what they are feeling on the inside, they are more likely to tell the truth. Kennedy gives an example of an older brother hitting his younger brother and lying about it. By sending them to their room instead of understanding why the incident happened, they will assume that the parents only care about what is happening on the outside, and they will not see them as a good child. Parents shouldn’t put up with lies or beatings; instead, try to find out why they lashed out.
In some cases, a child may lie about what happened between them and their sibling in order to get attention. In such cases, they play sacrifice in order to get what they want.
“This child will be less likely to lie because they have learned that their parents see them as a good child and they want to hear about the more complex feelings associated with this behavior,” says Kennedy.
Then there is the moment that every parent experiences: one parent tells the child that he cannot do something, then the child tells the other parent that he can, for example, when the child tells dad that mom said that they can play on iPad when Mom actually told them no. Kennedy says it’s not about parental manipulation , but about the child trying to cope with their frustration with less screen time.
“Lying helps to avoid the suffering of desire and absence,” she explains. “Instead of getting upset that they are trying to cheat on you, talk to them that you understand that it must be difficult for them to hear ‘no’ and that they must have been very disappointed.”
What happens when a lie goes too far?
If this approach to trying to understand why a child is lying does not really help curb the dishonesty, then it is time to educate the children that their actions will have consequences.According toDr. Matthew Rose, a psychologist at the Institute of Children’s Mind, the punishment should not be excessive, but it should be about the lie, as well as what they lied about. For example, if a teenager claims that he did his homework and he did not, he should be punished for dishonesty and asked to complete his work.
But Rose also notes that children need to know that being truthful reduces punishment, such as when a teen lies about going to a party but later calls a guardian to take him home because he is drunk. This is a great trait for a walk when a child lied about where he was but then did the right thing by not driving while drunk. Parents can let their children know that their punishment will be less because of their utmost honesty.
How to make honesty a value
Columnist Dr Carol Bradytold the Institute for the Child’s Mind that parents need to make their child understand that excellence is not about expectation. Brady offers a “truth check” where, after the child has lied, the parent gives him a few minutes to reconsider his answer.
Parents may also say something like, “I’m going to ask you a question, and perhaps you’re going to tell me something that I really don’t want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer. “
Brady does not recommend this method to the chronic liar, but it can go a long way in establishing the importance of truthfulness and honesty.