How to Deal With Resentment When Your Friends Are Earning More Than You
You may remember the episode ” Friends, ” in which bankrupt friends – Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe – get mad at their wealthier colleagues for always offering expensive excursions. “It’s like we can afford to go back and forth,” Joey complains. Of course, things don’t work out as smoothly in life as they do on sitcoms, so financial discontent can be a major problem in the real world.
What is financial resentment?
In her new book, Ending Financial Stress Now, author Emily Guy Birken explains that financial grievances can be problematic on many levels. Of course, this can cause problems in friendship, but it can also completely rob us of our money.
“Financial resentment is a corrosive emotion that leads to two types of self-destructive behavior: giving up financial goals and trying to settle scores,” Birken told us.
When you give up on your goals, like getting out of debt or saving money for a big trip, you basically succumb to the idea that you can’t control your situation, she adds. Resentment takes over, making your goal progress insignificant and useless.
“And if you’re trying to get revenge, it often means that you are either working to punish those you think are responsible for your economic injustice, or spending too much to show that you are“ as good ”as the people you are. you offend. “
Neither option greatly affects your wallet or your thinking for that matter. To effectively suppress your resentment, it is helpful to know where it is coming from, and in his book, Birken categorizes two main types of financial resentment.
Relationship resentment
First, it’s relationship-based financial resentment, a kind of “I can’t afford to hang out with my friends.” As Birken notes, it’s not all about friendship.
“Relationship-related financial resentment is when you feel like you’ve suffered some kind of financial injustice in your personal relationship,” says Birken. “A typical example of this kind of resentment is the bitterness that an adult child can feel when the will of a parent leaves more money to another brother or sister. An offended brother may be jealous of a larger share of the inheritance from another brother or sister, as well as offended by a parent who wrote an uneven will. “
It can also be resentment towards a partner who is cheating on you. Different incomes often mean different money habits , and this can complicate the relationship. Let’s say you start dating someone new and in a few months she wants to plan a trip to Mexico. There is no way in hell that you can afford it, so you go through, but as your relationship develops, this trip becomes more and more important and you still cannot afford to go. Resentment builds up on both sides.
Economics-based grievance
This happens when economic injustice prevails over you:
“Financial grievances based on economics are when you worry about economic injustice, which is part of a broader problem that affects the whole society,” explains Birken. “For example, you may resent someone who is financially successful when you feel that the person is either less worthy than you or that they have made worse choices than you. This resentment is very common and has become a regular part of our political discourse. ”
Especially given the income inequality of recent years, it is not hard to see how anyone could create such economic-based discontent. And, in essence, economic resentment and relationship grievance can go hand in hand: here you get your ass to pay for college, while your blue-blooded friend wants to go out to dinner every night.
We’ve given you some practical tips on how to deal with different habits in relationships and friendships , but managing emotional things can be a completely different task.
Communication is effective, but it does not work under all circumstances, especially if most of your frustration is due to economic problems. Fortunately, Birken provides some advice.
How to let go of resentment
Ultimately, resentment is associated with anger, and letting go of anger often means learning to forgive someone . But in a strange way to forgive the one who might have done nothing to you. Maybe you’re just upset that your friend doesn’t quite understand your own financial difficulties. It’s okay – the main thing is to learn to see things from their point of view, a habit better known as empathy.
“First, mentally switch places with the person you are upset with,” Birken suggests. “Usually you think of this person’s life in terms of what he has and what you don’t have — but life is not a buffet, and it’s impossible to replace one single aspect of her life with yours. Would you really rather have all of her problems, weaknesses and trials just because of the injustice that was inflicted on you? “
Birken adds that it can be helpful to ask yourself a really simple question: what do you get out of your resentment? The answer to this question makes one think about the situation more objectively.
“You can shift the anger towards yourself towards the person you are offended, or you can feel comfortable or even enjoy the righteous anger that you feel,” she says.
Asking yourself what you are trying to achieve by feeling resentful, which probably isn’t much, can help you let go of your anger.
“Finally, you need to think about what kind of story you are telling about the financial injustice that you have suffered,” says Birken. “We often resent situations because we don’t know the whole context. We fill in the blanks with a story that makes sense to us, but may have nothing to do with what the other person has in mind. Knowing what you really know and what you came up with can help you get rid of resentment. “
This brings up another interesting point: we often judge other people’s costs without understanding the big picture. We are quick to draw conclusions that can also cause dissatisfaction.
Personal finance writer Ramit Sethi calls it cost hypocrisy and cites LearnVest CEO Alexa von Tobel as an example. Von Tobel spoke about her own spending habits and readers tore her apart by criticizing her $ 30 lunch or her decision to take a cab every day. Sethi explains why such a judgment is counterproductive:
“Rather than automatically condemning the author for her spending habits, the disgruntled commentators above should have tried to figure out how she even allows herself such a lofty lifestyle. “But Ramit,” one might say, “she studied at Harvard. She’s clearly a wasteful trust fund kid living on Mom and Dad’s money. “Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? But if that’s your first thought, you’re guilty of the Shrug Effect . The best way to approach the issue is to admit that she probably has a few advantages that you don’t, but focus on what she DOES control, what you can learn from If you want to live her lifestyle, it’s worth asking how she could make SO MUCH that she could afford to take a taxi every day? What is she doing that I don’t know? Who can I talk to to find out more? How can I make more money? “
So instead of writing your own story, be aware of what conclusions you may be rushing to, and then try to fill in the blanks with information that can actually help in your situation.
Signs of a serious offense
“Sometimes the financial resentment you feel in a relationship is actually a sign that you are being financially abused,” notes Birken.
In other words, not every insult is unfounded. Like other forms of abuse, financial abuse is ultimately about control. The abuser wants you to feel isolated and dependent on him, and he can use money as a vehicle to do so.
“This means you are deprived of financial autonomy, giving up basic necessities, giving gifts with restrictions, using your name or credit without your knowledge, or forcing you to work without pay,” says Birken. In those cases
If so, the problem really goes beyond resentment. There are many good reasons for breaking up a relationship , friendship, or job, and financial abuse is definitely one of them.
“It’s not something that can be fixed by forgiveness,” she says.