Why You Shouldn’t Apologize Too Much, and What Is Better to Say
Some people find it easy to apologize for any perceived inconvenience – or to the point of humiliation – to apologize. If you’re late to meet a friend in the movie, you could offer a breathless, “I’m sorry” as if saving you the perfect place was very important to start with.
For some, an apology can be a knee-jerk instinct that is overused to the point where it is largely meaningless. When you regret everything, you stop regretting altogether, so we should use several different phrases instead of the often used “sorry”.
Why do people apologize too much?
Apologizing may seem like an easy way to mitigate blame or admit responsibility for something wrong, however small. But people who apologize for every little thing, be it being five minutes late before lunch, hitting the wrong floor button, or accidentally bumping into someone, can actually suffer from low self-esteem.
This is what psychologist Kelly Hendrix told Psych Central in 2019 , explaining, “Those who over-apologize often feel like a burden to others, as if their wants and needs are irrelevant.” Writer Caroline Leavitt recently described how her tendency to over-apologize was a kind of psychological armor used to ward off feelings of guilt she often felt:
For me, who always felt that at any moment someone would yell at me, accuse or mock me, an apology beforehand could soften the blow or even act as a stoplight.
Hendricks noted that sometimes the feeling of needing to appear to be a good person – or the feeling of insecurity that they potentially cannot be a good person – can lead a person to apologize more than necessary. However, there are many reasons that can cause a person to apologize in a loop, so this behavior cannot be attributed to one problem for all. However, self-doubt and low self-esteem are something of a prevailing theme.
What to say instead of “sorry”
For one thing, you don’t have to apologize about you, on your own. For example, saying, “I’m sorry I’m late,” doesn’t necessarily convey the empathy that comes with a real apology. Instead, you can choose something that takes into account the other person’s experience, such as “Waiting for someone who is chronically late sucks,” or “I know waiting for someone else is so frustrating.”
Here are some more examples:
- Try replacing “sorry to interrupt” with “I appreciate the thought, but I wanted to say …”. You will find that the guidance, with its appreciation, can serve as a welcome substitute for an apology.
- If you’re stuck in traffic: Perhaps you should tell someone, “Thanks for your patience, traffic was terrible today,” rather than “I’m sorry I’m late.”
- When asking someone for a favor: Don’t start with a self-deprecating and timid “apology.” Instead, try saying, “I would really appreciate your help when you have a minute.”
- You can often replace “sorry” with “thank you”: if someone, such as a teacher or even a friend, points out your mistake, it’s better to thank their point. Saying “thank you very much for pointing this out to me” will suffice instead of “sorry”.
- In the workplace – own mistakes through understanding : often there is no need to apologize if a boss or colleague points out a mistake. After all, mistakes are human. Rather, try saying something like “oh man, I see what I was doing there. Let me work on fixing it. “
At the very least, exploring alternatives can help you better understand how often you (unnecessarily) apologize on a particular day.