How to Survive Childhood From the Authors of the Toddler Survival Guide
Toddlers have been compared to drunken adults , tornadoes, time bombs , politicians, puppies, and gremlins. In their new book, Toddler Survival Guide: Complete Protection Against the Crying Hungry, authors Mike and Heather Spohr argue convincingly that these tiny stumbling creatures are a lot like zombies. “They both follow you wherever you go, they both mostly communicate through groans, and in both cases, your life will never be the same when they arrive at the scene,” says Mike.
Coming August 1st, Max Brooks’ parody of The Zombie Survival Guidebook is packed with practical skills for surviving this grueling, confusing and messy phase of parenting. As parents and journalists (Mike is BuzzFeed Editor for Parents), Controversy has “studied babies in their natural habitat” for over a decade and provides advice on everything from potty training to parenting self-preservation.
In an email, Mike and Heather shared five of their favorite toddler tricks with me.
By removing spare food from the hotel minibar, you can freeze milk and other healthy snacks for your little one.
“If there is anything more miserable than traveling with a toddler, it is traveling with a toddler who doesn’t have access to the only food they eat. You – and the people in the adjoining rooms – will appreciate that you don’t have to listen to your little one screaming about not having a string of cheese, yogurt, or especially milk. “
Always bring cash when you eat out so that if your toddler loses it completely, you can toss a few bills on the table and leave in a hurry.
“You know, as they say, when you have fun, time flies by? Well, time just flies when your toddler screams to death and you wait for the waiter to finish flirting and launch your credit card. Basically, when you have a baby, you need to live like fugitives – ready to take off in the blink of an eye. “
Place an old T-shirt over your toddler to prevent it from getting dirty while eating. It’s like a full body bib!
“Regular bibs were useless for our daughter Annabelle. They kept a small area under her chin clean, but did nothing to protect the rest of her. And damn it, she got dirty – we even found spaghetti in her socks. In the end, we got the idea to put her on one of my old T-shirts (“Dadai shirt!” As she called it) and she kept her clothes clean no matter how enthusiastically she pounced on food. “
Toddlers who stand to pee may not be tall enough to pee in a public toilet, but if you let him stand on your shoes, he can reach them.
“When our son, James, first started using public toilets, he was… ugh! – contact with the toilet (often dirty). Luckily, we found that by forcing him to stand on our shoes he became tall enough not to touch the toilet bowl – damn it!
To distract your toddler from the candy counter while checking in the supermarket, ask your toddler to help you put items on the conveyor belt. If it’s not your turn yet, put the items back in your cart and repeat the process.
“You’ll love this trick because you don’t have to shout, ‘Put it back! ” ‘Not!’ and “DO NOT OPEN … SHIT.” Just make sure you don’t give the eggs anywhere. We learned this the hard way.
Toddler Survival Guide: Complete Protection Against Whiny Malnourishes is available for pre-order.