How to Help a Shy Child
It’s completely normal for children to be naturally introverted – quiet children have unique creative and intellectual talents and rich inner lives. But what to do when a child seems shy and afraid of the world outside of their home?
Although she has been very open in the past six months, my four-year-old daughter used to be very shy. I sat through all of the play dates with my face buried in my chest (seriously, the worst winged girl ever trying to meet other parents), gave up swimming and dance classes because she didn’t separate from my leg, and spent a lot of time worrying that by not participating or engaging, she overlooks.
Adults have ways to help children feel more comfortable, better at being in a social environment where they may appear insecure. Here’s what I’ve learned so far.
Get rid of the label
I don’t let my daughter hear me say “she’s shy” if someone asks why she isn’t talking at the moment — usually other young children. When children hear this label, they internalize it and then act on it. William Sears , pediatrician and author of many children’s advice, writes: “Some children hide behind the label of shy child so that they don’t have to reveal what they don’t like. It’s safer not to show anything, so they hide in a protective shell. The label “shy” becomes an excuse for not developing social skills and not using them. “
Magic words
So what can we say instead? I often say, “She’s quiet now” – we all do that sometimes, right? In How to Talk so Young Children Listen: A Survival Guide for Children Ages 2-7 , authors Joanna Faber and Julie King write about their own “magic words.”
They suggest saying, “He will join you when he is ready .”
From the book:
It might not sound like a lot, but these three little words do a great job. They tell your child that you respect their feelings and their need to take things slowly. They also made it clear to him that he was in charge. He is not pushed. But the most important thing is what you don’t say. You won’t get him stuck in the role. Dad said I was shy. I must be shy. I’d rather stay behind his feet where it’s safe.
Instead, you issue an invitation. You protect him while he is uncomfortable. But the door was left wide open. He can quietly start classes as soon as he is ready. Often, readiness comes quickly as soon as the pressure is relieved.
Prepare for social events
Large social gatherings can be very overwhelming for my daughter, which is why I enjoy preparing her by telling who will be there, especially if she meets a lot of people she doesn’t know. I’ll say, “You’ll meet my dad’s cousins from Maryland,” and show her the picture.
I’ll tell her that I expect her to say hello to them because it’ll make them feel good, and I’ll give her a list of options: say hello, wave, or high-five. She used to hide behind my legs when I talked to her, and it made me nervous and sweaty. Giving children a limited number of choices helps them gain confidence and a sense of control . In this case, my daughter always preferred to wave her hand, but now she often smiles and greets.
Tag Team with Extroverted Friend
Spending a lot of time alone with a few close friends helps my daughter thrive in society, and it feels like freedom. She is funny, dramatic, inquisitive – not only at home with me and my husband, but also with a growing tribe. These days, on game dates, I don’t see her for hours because she and a friend are going to tea in a tent or jumping on a trampoline. Her best friends are more extroverted, and when she is with one of them, she tries out new experiences that I think she wouldn’t have otherwise, such as singing in front of a group of people or attending a parkour class. For quiet children, there is strength in twos.
Take your favorite toy or activity with you
When I go to meetings, I sometimes let my daughter take a puzzle, game, or coloring book with her that she can play with herself if she feels overwhelmed. This usually piques the curiosity of other children and she can teach them how to play or hand out crayons. On other occasions, she is pleased to bring along a souvenir from a recent vacation that she can talk about. She loves to wear these fluffy wolf ears that she got from the Great Wolf Lodge Waterpark and they instantly became a conversation starter.
Understand the devil
To support quiet children, parents need to learn how their brains work. An excellent resource is the Quiet Revolution site, part of Susan Kane’s movement to empower introverts. It explains that quiet children sometimes turn off when they first meet people because they have a “long runway” and take a long period of time to warm up. Understanding this gives me more patience. When my daughter finally gets to the end of her runway and starts chatting or giggling with her new friend, I relax and smile.