Daddies, Protect Your Balls From the Kid’s Blows
Every man can witness the debilitating pain that even the slightest gaze inflicts on our dangling parts, but fathers of young children are especially vulnerable. These little limbs swing at full speed – flinch . GQ gives advice on how to stay on the offensive with a chest carrier. Their recommendation? Protective hand in pocket.
However, assuming you don’t want to look like the dressy pocket-pool pervert on your next family outing, we recommend trying the following:
Put your hand under their feet
If this is your first time taking a walk with your stylish baby stroller and your firstborn beats your testicles with a hard back kick, we sympathize with you dude. Anytime after that: it’s your damn fault.
If you need a short-term temporary fix because you just realized that your baby’s legs can crush your koyons while in the carrier, place your hand under his feet to reduce reach and minimize stretching (so that even kidneys get kicked) … won’t hurt so bad).
However, be careful, this solution is unstable. If you are planning on having more children (and who knows how serious you think about it given your current condition), you will need something more permanent.
Put that kid on your back, man
Once your child is so big that carrying him in a chest often results in sharp kicks against rocks, you need to get him out of reach, stat.
If your carry bag can’t go back and forth, either hide it or invest in a carry designed to ride over the shoulders. Your gonads will be grateful, and you cannot put a price on it.
Explain to them how much it really hurts.
Children have fun acting offended as a joke, and sometimes they cannot tell the difference between play pain and real pain. This is especially frightening because nut susceptibility can also develop outside the host, for example, during a fight or fight.
For the sake of your semen supply, you must set some boundaries below the waist before entering the ring. Speak in a sincere tone so that they know you are not joking, and make sure the tiny ball understands that they can inflict very intense, very real pain.
Keep your head on the hinge
Even without fighting and wrestling, preschoolers are a godforsaken combination of unpredictable mobility, deceiving strength and poor coordination, which means there is always the threat of an impromptu shot at your boobies.
Gone are the days when you calmly scanned your phone while your little one fussed about in the walker. Once they learn to inadvertently fragment your private parts, it is best to exercise vigilance at the level of a lifeguard. The toilet and shower may be the only safe enough places to let your guard down – at least for a couple of years.
If all else fails, or your kid is fucking obsessed with your huevo …
Wear a protective cup
Fatherhood may have been the final nail in your coffin for your fading sports fantasies, but you can still benefit from at least one piece of old gear! Better yet, you’ll feel more athletic as you achieve various feats of parenting (raising kids, opening cans, snoozing in competitions).
Sure, it can be a little awkward the next time you drip in a public urinal, but at least you won’t turn into a lifeless wad of sobbing flesh the next time your child kicks your family jewelry with a cruel kick.