Use “ring Theory” to Avoid Telling Lies in Times of Crisis
Hurricane Harvey continues to ravage Texas, destroying homes and claiming lives. Whether you are Texan or not, you probably know someone who has been hurt and have a strong desire to lend a helping hand to your friends and acquaintances. And you must!
Before you do that, however, think about what you want to say. Do you want to tell them how hard it is for you? Do you want to tell them how upset you are that their house is destroyed? Or how does it evoke memories of a hurricane that hit you a few years ago? In other words, are you only going to hurt them?
You need to learn about the theory of rings.
The ring theory was created by clinical psychologist Susan Silk, who (along with Barry Goldman) wrote about it for the Los Angeles Times in 2013. The idea is that in any crisis there is an inner circle of people who are directly affected; from this center emerge concentric circles of people, each representing a different group less affected by the crisis. Here are Susan and Barry explaining this in more detail:
Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, write the name of the person at the center of the current injury […] In this ring, write the name of the person closest to the injury […] Repeat the process as many times as you need. … Place the next closest people in each larger ring. Parents and children before distant relatives. Close friends in smaller circles, less intimate friends in larger circles. When you’re done, you will have Ketching’s order.
Now that you have your circle, here’s the most important thing to remember: the rule: “Calm down, get out.” You can complain as much as you like about the crisis, but you can only address those people who are outside of you in the ring. For people who are closer to the center than you, you should only provide comfort. That’s all.
Why should you follow the ring theory? Well, obviously you can do what you want, but keep this in mind: when someone is going through a crisis, they don’t need to deal with your feelings in the first place. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, and you should feel like you can share them with someone. But with ring theory, you can spare people who are already dealing with more than their share of grief. Strike, as it were, the less suffering.
Does this mean that the person (s) in the center of the ring have the right to cry and gnash their teeth and talk about everything to everyone who will listen to them? Why yes, yes, it is. Because it ‘s all about them. This is the whole point.