Facebook Mommy Etiquette Guide
Last week, a member of the Upper East Side Moms Facebook group sent a termination letter (through an attorney) to another member demanding an end to defamation of the sender of the letter, calling her racist in the group’s discussions.
This raises some interesting questions: What is appropriate and what is not appropriate conversation in online parenting groups? Can you talk about politics, social justice issues, racism – or should you limit your posts to which stroller to buy? Hope not – I love the varied topics in my parent / guardian group and have gotten great advice on matters both trivial and deep.
In fact, online parenting groups (for both mums and dads and guardians in general) are a huge source of support for parents and especially new parents. If you’re thinking “this is just the Internet” or “this is just a bunch of moms,” well, you didn’t wake up alone in the middle of the night and ask an urgent question: “Is an umbilical stump supposed to be? to look like this? “Is anyone else sleeping on a pile of clean linen?” Either felt an urgent need to get rid of the burden – “I really, really go crazy with fatigue, and I do not know how I will get through another day” – or, which is very painful / useful / strengthens solidarity, in my understanding. start anonymous conversations about despair, anger, and regret that you cannot have with your IRL friends.
But the parent group on Facebook, like any other community, is not public – good manners are critical to the functioning of the group. I am part of a couple of groups for parents of all genders, some of which are more helpful than others, and I asked friends and members for some tips on how to keep the space nice, useful and functional.
Not mommy
If someone asks a specific question – I want to train in my sleep; what technique worked for you? – answer this damn question . As my friend Emily says, “This is not the place to talk about why sleep training is harmful. And if someone says, “I decided not to exercise in my sleep, what advice would you give me to get more sleep?” Then this is not the place to share sleep exercise advice. But if someone says, “What do you think of sleep training?” then this is the moment for people to share the whole set of tips! “This question, which I am not answering, can also be called Mommy Kidnapping .
As my friend Rose says, “When you receive a notification, it’s an unpleasant feeling, and it’s not an answer to your question, it’s just someone chatting about how they enjoy doing things in a completely different way. This, of course, also applies to regular Facebook. “
By the way, turn on notifications.
You do not need to enter “f” or “follow” to subscribe to the post. You can turn on notifications by clicking the small arrow in the upper right corner.
Don’t block tips
You write: “I need to go to England.” Someone replies, “What about an airplane?” You say, “No, it won’t work.” They say, “How about a boat?” And you say, “No, that won’t work either.” And so on through sailing, rafts, and teleportation. You wo n’t succeed. As my friend Margery says, “If someone answers your question, don’t fix it to explain why their answer won’t work, because your situation is different and so specific that they can’t understand. You asked. Say thank you for the answer, even if you don’t like it. “
Try to be considerate of people in different circumstances.
A friend told me that the messages say, “May your child be a child this summer!” drives her crazy over the ignorant privilege behind the claim: not everyone has a parent at home who lets kids roam the neighborhood or splash around in the kiddie pool. Summer is financially difficult for many; financially difficult for many people all year round . If you’ve got help around the house, an exotic getaway, or 17 grandmothers who love babysitting, that’s great, but don’t feel like everyone else is doing it.
Move away from the keyboard
I’m in a couple of parenting Facebook groups that are mostly like-minded people, and even so there are many, many posts that I have to give up (homeopathy, I’m looking at you). If you are unable to provide a constructive comment, shut down your computer and go over overgrown clothes or something. I know we all have strong feelings about breastfeeding and screaming, but other people have different opinions and don’t need you to praise them. We are all in a vulnerable state.
If you have to comment on something that you think is completely abnormal, do so gently and be factual: “I would be careful with neonatal chiropractic care based on this XYZ information” or “You seem to be really concerned about this. The EMF from your baby monitor is about this site, but can I gently suggest that you may be suffering from anxiety? ”And let this be your last word on the topic. For heaven’s sake, don’t call someone an idiot or paranoid madman. Move away from the keyboard.
Maintain the confidentiality of other members’ information
If this is a local group, keep in mind that you need to keep secrets, just like in real life. If your friend has just been diagnosed with an unpleasant, unpleasant ailment, do not post it in the group. And if you have personal information about someone’s child in the group – they are fighting at the school what you have – don’t share it with your kids. Children don’t know how to keep secrets.
Don’t ask anything about vaccines; There is nothing; I repeat, not talking about vaccines
If you are unsure about the benefits of vaccines, talk to your doctor. Don’t bring this up on your FB group unless the group calls it “Moms4Measles”. You will be (fairly) abused.
Follow the group rules, if any
For some groups, this may mean giving up on smashing local businesses, giving up talking about politics, or removing yourself after exiting the zip code (if you are a local group).
No extortion or fundraising
If you want to advertise your local business, ask the admins how often you can post. (A good rule of thumb, I think, is no more than once a month.) And parent FB groups are not suitable for fundraising, except in local groups where family tragedy and neighbors collect food trains. and a babysitting subscription. Otherwise, no, no. It turns friends into grades, like when you go to someone’s house for a drink and that drink turns out to be Herbalife.
Be careful with politics
Some groups have clear policy rules, so it is obvious that they should be followed. If not, watch the tone of the group and remember that there is literally no place in a world without politics: if you are talking about a “good” school in your area, you are talking about politics. Whether you’re talking about unruly teens dominating the playground, or discussing fair pay for helping out around the house, or expressing horror at the cost of college, or empathizing with health insurance and parental leave and sick leave, or even talking about parenting free-range is all politics, and it is possible that someone will have a different opinion on this topic than you do.
I don’t think we should shy away from confronting people about problem views, and if you have a problem, try to be polite about it and learn something. Someone called me once because I said something frivolous and ignorant, and it hurt me, but I understood her point of view and apologized. If you are one who is opposed to – well, it concerns how a person changes the hearts and minds, but to tell someone that he preferred an ignorant asshole, probably will not. The tension between good manners and the lack of silence when someone says stupid things is something that everyone has to resolve for themselves.
Some parent groups function well and provide a useful and user-friendly virtual community for parents. Others are food for entertaining skirmishes at best, in which 99% of the group pop popcorn and watch the drama unfold. But in essence, online parenting communities are the place to go for advice, pick up a used jumpsuit, and, if you’re lucky, find like-minded friends. Just try to resist the urge to send them a termination letter.
* The first two paragraphs of this post have been edited for clarity.