How to Ruin a Potentially Good Relationship With One Big Lie
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have a woman whose online dating lies quickly eluded her.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
I was recently in a different city for work, so I changed my OkCupid profile to this location. A guy we’ll call “Sam” wrote to me and we started talking. Within 24 hours we had phone numbers, real names, FB profiles, etc. And at some point, naturally, he asked which part of town I was in. Instead of just saying, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Just arrived in town for work. I lied outright and named the area in the city … I said that I recently moved there for work, that I live in corporate housing (so he doesn’t ask me too many questions about the area), and that I’m on my way right now until I will be back in town at the end of August. And Sam, sweet Sam … He just took everything at face value.
For the past three weeks, we’ve been texting / talking / chatting all day, every day, and all signs point to a serious, solid, thoughtful match. So I spent about a thousand dollars flying over to him, staying at a hotel, renting a car – all to keep this pretense – and surprise, surprise, it was a failure. We didn’t sleep together, he didn’t try to kiss me, not even by the hand. I wasn’t expecting sex that night, but I got the impression that we would have more time together. Instead, he wanted to reschedule our second date and I pretty much turned it over because obviously I couldn’t. So we got over in front of the metro station. I told him that I was disappointed that he did not want to see me, that I was not sure if I wanted to do this anymore. His face turned red and he said, “I think I’m going to vomit.” I tried to hug him, calm him down, and he asked me not to touch him. Then he said “go home safely” and disappeared into the subway tunnel. I returned to the hotel, cried, and checked out the next morning. I waited 6 hours at the airport before flying out on Sunday morning because he didn’t want to meet me.
A few days later, I emailed him the truth. I didn’t expect much of an answer, but the one I got killed me. He said that he didn’t want to continue our conversations and not get involved with him again. He has had trouble cheating on exes in the past, and said that lying clearly indicates my character. He realizes that this was not a malicious act against him, but he feels nauseous knowing that I lied to create intimacy between us. So my question is, how long will I be doing this? How can I tell him it was just a stupid mistake? That I’m not his ex … Or when a 38-year-old man says “leave me alone,” should I just shut up and leave him alone? The fact that I haven’t been blocked yet gives me hope that he can come to his senses.
Sincerely,
Heartbroken in Seattle
Hello, heartbroken in Seattle:
Liar, liar pants on fire. I think you’re here, baby. I know that you went through all this trouble because you felt a special connection with Sam, and that you honestly didn’t mean to hurt him, but what you’ve done is really hard to come back. It’s one thing to lie online about your favorite movie, your height, or even age (that’s just a number, right?). But getting someone to believe that you live in the same city just to get closer to it is a little sneaky. Like it’s some sociopathic shit. You completely ignore other people’s feelings in order to get what you want. This should worry you . Sit in a corner and think about what you have done.
Now, before you put on your stupid cap and write on the board a thousand times, “I won’t lie to people for my personal gain,” let’s do a thought experiment. Tell me this ruse of yours didn’t explode for you that fateful weekend – what’s the plan for the game, then skip the crook? Will you get him hooked and finally tell him the truth when he gets too deep? So romantic! Are you moving to this city because of a stranger you chatted with for only three weeks in the hope that he never finds out? Not creepy at all! Seriously, heartbroken, have you thought about that? Perhaps I will immediately understand the lie – he took you by surprise and you were curious to see where this was going. But you lied to this dude for three weeks in a row ! You could be honest with him at any time. Then, then, you had the nerve to give up on him when he suggested rescheduling the date would be good … that it wouldn’t cost you another $ 1,000 weekend trip.
Sweet Sam took everything at face value because that’s what you do when you look for love, something real – you have to take that risk. And you threw it in his face, heartbroken. You know, now that I think about it, maybe Sam has grown wiser when you came to visit. Maybe that’s why you didn’t like him, or why your second date never happened. Maybe he finally did his due diligence and looked at you. Maybe he saw that you live somewhere else, that you lied to him all the time, and maybe he hated that you finally didn’t tell him the truth when you met face to face. He may have already given you a chance to open up.
If he doesn’t want you to contact him, don’t. Don’t chase it. You don’t need to tell him that it was a stupid mistake – he knows, that’s why he leaves. And do not tell him that you are not his ex, because at best you are what you are now. Leave Sweet Sam alone. Who knows? Maybe he can handle it and come back to you someday … but I doubt it. And even if he does, and you guys get together, it will be difficult for him to trust you ever again. Now dust yourself off, put on your new pants and try not to set them on fire next time.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE TO ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY HAS BEEN REMOVED . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.