Become Like a Cat, Not Like a Dog, When Meeting With Someone With Children
As difficult as dating is (mmm, very ), when you add kids to the equation, confusion, emotion, and potential heartache increases by about a hundredfold. If your boyfriend or girlfriend has a child, you are not only pursuing a new romance, but you are also trying to determine your place in the hierarchy of people vying for his or her attention, and how to connect without going beyond your boundaries.
Lauri Mattenson wrote an article for the Los Angeles Times about the best advice she has ever heard when dating someone with children: be like a cat, not a dog.
Her friend Jennifer, who has her own stepfamily, told her the importance of this. “You’ll want to hug them and befriend them, but it’s better if you relax and take your time,” Jennifer warned. “Wait for them to come to you.”
This is difficult , especially if the laid-back, simple-minded behavior doesn’t come naturally, and you yearn to be more than your mom or dad’s “new friend”. But in order not to overwhelm the children, to allow them to express their own feelings about the situation and to show respect for the other parent, it is necessary to be patient.
Mattenson writes :
When I first went to the school play, David’s daughter came out after the play. I wanted to run up and hug her, present the flowers we brought, congratulate her on a good performance – until I saw her mother and realized that my desires were the highest. Girls come first, their parents come second, and I come second. This is the reality. I took a step back and let their mom take the moment.
This happens all the time. Even now, out of respect for the privacy of girls, I myself limit the stories. I usually sit on the other side of the couch so the girls can cuddle with their dad when we watch movies. They quarrel, and I am silent, allowing him to raise children as he sees fit. This does not mean that I am invisible, I just respect. This is a deliberate choice. I resist my nature and slow down, try to remain responsive to girls’ needs, subdue my own.
Dating someone with children takes maturity. As one writer put it , “They don’t need to raise another child, so act like an adult.”