Throw These Phrases Out of Your Vocabulary If You Want Them to Sound More Confident.
We’ve all used a few words and phrases that can inadvertently reduce our credibility and make us less confident. When we say this with any regularity, they blur our message, and with it, people’s ability to take us seriously. Ignore these worrisome phrases and try to exclude or rephrase them to sound more assertive.
“Just”
This has already been said, but it is so rampant that it is worth repeating: we need to stop qualifying everything we say with “simple”. When we present our questions and ideas with this little four-letter word (“I’m just clarifying,” “Just wanted to add”), we are dealing with the implication of an apology; it is a subtle, proactive excuse to disturb someone. It minimizes our power and sounds like we’re asking permission to speak – something confident speakers rarely do.
Rather than sounding less intrusive by relying on “fairness,” try a more direct wording: “I wanted to know how you feel about X” or “I’m checking to see if you had a chance to view this report.”
“Sorry to bother you…)”
Listen. There are legitimate times when we should regret bothering someone (for example, when they are head over heels under four blankets enjoying an amazing REM sleep). But “sorry” has become common in non-apology situations. “Sorry if this has been said before,” “Sorry for the statement,” or even an apology to the staff: “Excuse me, can you tell me how much it costs?”
According to Canadian sociologist Maya Jovanovitch, when we apologize unnecessarily, although it seems polite and heartfelt , we seem smaller and more timid . Jovanovitch notes that “apologies have become our habitual way of communicating.” She encourages us to replace all those unnecessary apologies with “I’d like to add,” “Why don’t we try this,” or the ever-acclaimed “Thank you”. (Try the next time you’re late or don’t answer someone right away. Instead of saying “sorry,” say “thanks for waiting.”)
“I was wondering…”
Why do we feel the need to precede many of our questions with the obvious: “I was wondering …”? (Of course we did, otherwise we wouldn’t ask.) This is another way of softening the request or sluggishly asking for consent instead of accepting it. “I was wondering if we should call Bob?” “I was wondering if we can make pizza instead of sushi?” Replace surprise with “What about us …?” or “What do you think of X?”
“Well, well, well, you know”
Remember how in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” Zuzu said, “Listen, Dad,” says the teacher, “every time the bell rings, does the angel get his wings?” Well, every time we use placeholder words, our message sounds like garbage (and loses credibility).
Here’s a fun experiment. Record yourself the next time you talk to a friend, or ask your work spouse to count the number of times you use insert words like “like”, “mmm” and “you know” at your next Zoom meeting. (Bonus points if they also track “like” and “like”.) Chances are more than you think. We are often immune to overuse of these common placeholders, but we need to be more conscious. They make us seem indecisive, nervous, and even less intelligent.
Other tricks to break this habit: Knock your foot every time you hear you use it, speak more slowly and mindfully, or force yourself to pause and breathe whenever you feel the urge to toss unnecessary filler. What could you say instead? Do you need to say anything at all?
“I’m not an expert, but …”
This self-deprecating disclaimer (and its “I’ll just spit here” cousin) is often followed by opinions or ideas that we’re not sure about, but we’re going to share anyway. Which in the context of a chance meeting or an informal brainstorming session is not terrible. But in a more professional setting, leadership in denial of knowledge or experience can negatively affect the way people hear what follows. Of course, we may not sound threatening, but we are also easy to ignore. To gain more respect, try “I would suggest considering X” or “I think Y is the best direction.”
“Does this make sense?”
This and its related phrase “Do you understand what I’m talking about?” clear signs that we know we have lost the plot. If we think we’re incoherent or we don’t have the words to clearly express our point of view, there are several reliable alternatives to seeking external confirmation that we do not overly confuse. For an immediate repetition, pause, say, “Let me rephrase this,” and start over. If you have the feeling of a deer in the headlights, try “I have a lot to say about this” or “This is a new idea for me” and then “I need a little more time to formulate my thoughts. “
“If I haven’t missed it / If my memory does not fail me …”
There is not a single soul among us who has not missed or forgot some key information that is important for the conversation we are having now, at work or elsewhere. This is normal and we don’t mind using these phrases in moderation. But when we usually say, “If I didn’t miss this,” or “If my memory doesn’t fail me,” it can make us seem distracted or chronically unable to remember things. (Which, to some extent, we all do. But talking about it out loud to a specific audience is a habit worth curbing.) If you need confirmation, try “Is this right?” or “Can anyone confirm?”
“This might be a stupid question …”
It’s hard to say which is more troubling: a feeling of not knowing what we think we should know, or a corresponding panic to hide that insecurity, while still getting the answer we need. This is when we say something like, “This is probably a stupid question, but …” If you are interested in being a more confident speaker or an effective leader, this question should be omitted. We should never belittle ourselves and our needs, at least in front of others. Instead, indicate what you think the answer might be, and then indicate, “Am I correct?”