How to Help Your Child Calm Down: an Age Guide
Children need to feel their feelings, but too often they suppress them. When they are visibly upset, their parents tend to attack and comfort them with words or hugs, for example (or okay, sometimes goldfish crackers and YouTube Kids). But it is even more important to teach them how to calm down. Psychotherapist Amy Maureen, who has written the new book 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do , says that coping with stress, anger, frustration, and anxiety requires a specific set of skills. This is where brain training comes in.
“A child’s academic skills or athletic ability will allow them to advance far in life,” Morin tells me. “A child who cannot control his temper, or one who cannot deal with feelings of frustration, will not be able to succeed.”
In her book, Maureen shares some visualization tactics for regulating strong emotions. Here’s how you can teach kids to calm their mind and body at any age.
Preschoolers: “Stop and Smell the Pizza”
Slow, deep breaths can relax the body and reduce feelings of anger. When the kids are upset, teach them to “stop and sniff pizza” (or, if they don’t like pizza for some reason, try hot apple pie, cinnamon rolls, chocolate chip cookies, or bacon – mmmm, bacon).
It works like this:
1. Breathe in through your nose as if you were sniffing a slice of pizza.
2. Then exhale through your mouth as if you are trying to cool a pizza.
3. Slowly repeat this exercise several times to calm the body and brain.
Maureen says that over time they will learn to do it on their own, with fewer reminders from you. Another option is to teach them to “breathe bubbles”. Ask them to go outside and blow bubbles. Then ask them to show you how to create the biggest, best, and most amazing bubbles by taking a big, deep breath and letting it out slowly. When they are upset, remind them to breathe bubbles. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly.
School children: “Change channel”
In her therapy room, Maureen teaches children the continuation of the famous “polar bear experiment.” This is called “change channel” and it works like this:
1. Tell your child what he thinks about polar bears for thirty seconds. It can be anything from polar bears to stuffed animals.
2. Be quiet and let the child imagine the bears. When the time is up, say stop.
3. Then ask your child to think about whatever he wants for the next thirty seconds. But tell him that he cannot think of polar bears.
4. Wait thirty seconds and ask how he did it. Most children will say that polar bears are constantly crawling into their thoughts. If your child says that he managed to not think about polar bears, ask him how he did it.
5. Then give your child a simple task for thirty seconds. I give my child a deck of cards and tell him to sort the deck by number, suit, or something like that. Whatever task you give your child, make sure it demands his full attention if he wants to speed up to complete it in thirty seconds.
6. When the time is up, tell him to stop. Then ask him how much he thought about polar bears during the assignment. If he’s like most people, he’ll probably say no.
“If a child is thinking about something that upsets him, keeping his hands busy can be the key to making him feel better,” Morin writes. “… Just like the TV, if the station playing in his head doesn’t help, he needs to change the channel to something more productive.” Once children understand this concept, you can simply say “change channel” when they need to switch their brains.
Maureen notes that channel switching should only be used when children feel stuck or their emotions become destructive. Sad feelings are not bad feelings. If the kids want to talk, let them and listen.
Teens: “Extend the fuse”
Like adults, teens can be annoyed and easily pissed off about any number of triggers – poor test score, boring day at workout, not inviting to a party, lack of sleep. Maureen suggests making them think of themselves as a fuse:
Teach your teen how to lengthen the fuse. Talking to a friend, listening to her favorite song, or doing yoga can reduce her stress. Help her identify what can help her deal with stress in a healthy way. Share strategies to help you extend your lifespan on a tough day.
Discuss how to tell when she has a short fuse. She may become irritable when spoken to. Or maybe she starts tapping her fingers loudly or walking back and forth. Explain the warning signs that appear when a fuse is short-circuited.
Then explain how everyone has options when they’re stressed, tired, or having a bad day. And everyone can take steps to lengthen their fuse.
Maureen believes that teaching children how to manage their emotions can help them grow into adults who invest energy only in things they can control. Good target.