What to Say to Children Instead of “Stop Crying”
If you have children, you must cry. They cry because their brother came to the door first, because they tried to ride two scooters at once and fell because they are dressed like Batman, but don’t want to be treated like Batman by other shoppers in the supermarket. There are so many reasons to cry! And when you get to quarrels, quarrels and tears – especially about some kind of nonsense that you don’t have time for, like who pressed the elevator button – it’s really easy to say (or scream) “stop crying! “
But you know, these kids. They have real feelings, and even if they cry over what we think is commonplace, our job is to empathize with them and learn how to manage those feelings. Sarah, a mother with an MSc in Clinical Psychology, writes on her blog that happiness is here : “One day they will know how to deal with their feelings and express them at times that adults consider“ appropriate, ”but how we support the development of emotional regulation happens through sympathy and understanding, not silence. “
She notes that many of us have learned to suppress our emotions after overly harsh reprimands, such as “I’ll give you a reason to cry,” but that this strategy actually makes it harder for parents: “Children seek empathy and understanding. If they don’t get it, they will keep trying. ” They will have breakdowns to try and elicit the reaction they instinctively seek.
So what should parents do, especially when you are tired, annoyed, and possibly dealing with other children’s problems too? Happiness here offers 10 replacement options , such as:
- “It’s okay to be sad”
- “I heard that you need a place. I want to be here for you. I’ll be there so you can find me when you’re ready. “
- “I’ll help you figure it out,” and
- “I’m listening.”
It’s hard for me to remember things like this at the moment, especially when, for example, I’m just trying to walk through the grocery store, but I think you can say these things on the go if you need to – the whole world doesn’t have to stop to chat with Sad Batman. … Other times it may take a little more time and empathy – my 4-year-old started crying before bed one night over something rather trivial, but it quickly turned into real sobbing over the recent death in our family. I’m glad I didn’t listen to my first instinct, which was to say, “You’re okay, I’ll take a look in the morning” (relax me, I’m tired) when faced with an apparently insignificant thing. … Instead, I lay with him for a few minutes until he screamed and was ready to go to bed.
Sarah also lists several things that you can not do when crying, for example, divert or punish. I myself am not a fan of offering sweets to crying children, although it is tempting because I don’t want them to cry as a cookie trick, and also because I don’t want them to devour their feelings (with which I’m struggling with participation).
Helping children learn to manage their emotions is one of the most challenging tasks we do as parents, not least because many of us parents find it difficult to control our emotions, but also because we are tired and stressed, and this one more thing to deal with. … But taking the time to slow down and empathize with the crying baby is rewarding: it will probably shorten the crying time anyway, and eventually they will learn to deal with their feelings properly. They might even comfort you someday.