What to Do Instead of Simulating an Orgasm
Fake orgasm is not good for anyone. It does not satisfy you; if anything, it distracts from your experience because you are more focused on convincingly pretending than on having fun. It won’t help your partner know what you really need to experience pleasure, let alone orgasm. And more broadly, fake orgasm fosters unrealistic expectations about how orgasm actually works. Together, all our pretenses create the illusion that orgasm happens easily and spontaneously.
The problem is that fake orgasms can sometimes feel pretty damn comfortable.
If you’re thinking about picking on fake orgasms, here’s what you should do instead.
Set expectations ahead of time
If you are with a relatively new partner, the best thing you can do to prevent yourself from faking an orgasm is to talk to your partner ahead of time. If you know what to expect, you won’t be tempted to pretend, and you won’t have to worry about faking or not right now.
Here are some examples of what you might say to a new partner:
- “Just to warn you that I don’t have an orgasm with someone new right away. But it doesn’t really matter to me, and it shouldn’t matter much to you either. “
- “Partner orgasm is a challenge for me, so let’s not set that goal right now, okay?”
- “Just so you know, it usually takes me a while to teach my partner how to get me to orgasm.”
- “I’m not going to have an orgasm tonight, but I’ll tell you when I’m satisfied.”
Make no assumptions
I know that talking about your orgasm can seem intimidating, but keep in mind that you are not alone. Most people are so shy about their orgasmic problems that they forget that other people have them as well. Your partner may well be experiencing their own orgasmic difficulties and will be very happy to hear you talk openly about it. (And by the way, this is not a “woman’s problem.” Many people struggle with masculine bodies, too.)
Be clean with established partners
Let’s say you have been with the same partner for a while and have been simulating your orgasms all this time. You have two options: the whole truth or the half-truth. You can tell your partner that you are faking your orgasms, or more generally, focus on learning new techniques.
I recommend getting completely clean. I know it takes a lot of courage, but my clients ended up doing better when they told the whole truth. Your partner may at first be offended by your dishonesty. But for you – and for your partner – it’s important to acknowledge that you’ve never had any bad intentions. Here’s an example of what you might say:
- “I want to talk to you about something that is really difficult for me, so I hope you can listen with an open heart. I faked my orgasms. I’ve been pretending all my life, and it has become automatic for me. When we started dating, I immediately jumped into this old bad habit without thinking. I didn’t want you to think that you are doing something wrong, because you are not. But I know I can have a real orgasm with you if I practice a little, and I want to give it a real chance. “
If this sounds too much to you, you can tell your partner that you want to try new techniques or that you notice that what your body likes is changing. Here are some examples:
- “Lately, my orgasms have not been that strong. It feels like my body is no longer as sensitive as it used to be. I want to try new tricks together. “
- “I tried new masturbation techniques and it was amazing. Can I show you what I do? “
You will then take the time to “re-learn” how to orgasm with your partner.
Teach Your Partner What You Need
If you can orgasm on your own, teach your partner the technique you love to use. I can’t tell how many of my clients don’t. Many people fear that saying what you like will be an “insult” to your partner. But I think most of us would agree that having some inside information about what a person likes is much preferable to taking a random photo in the dark.
There is no shame in telling your partner what you like. If you know you enjoy being on your stomach when you masturbate, roll over and tell your partner to start touching you. If you know you like intense pressure, tell your partner that you like intensity. You can even take your partner’s hand and show him how to touch you, or masturbate in front of him.
Leave a review focused on pleasure
If you don’t know what your body needs to orgasm, you focus on giving your partner feedback in the moment. If you’ve been trying to orgasm for a long time, orgasm probably seems like an insurmountable problem. You may be forgetting that even if you cannot orgasm with your partner, you can still experience tremendous physical pleasure. Conveniently, focusing on that pleasure is the best way to experience an orgasm. I always tell my clients, “pleasure is the path to orgasm.” You won’t get an orgasm out of nowhere. You will orgasm because you or your partner are doing something good.
You don’t have to give someone step-by-step instructions on what to do; you just need to tell them what is enjoyable. Things like “faster”, “slower”, “left” are all great. Or you can suggest ideas such as “try to circle my clitoris” or “try to pull my balls.”
Not the default for orgasm to be the end
The most common reason people fake orgasm is to try to show that sex is over. But you can do it without pretending.
Here are some ideas on how to end a meeting:
- If you know your partner can have an orgasm:
- Tell them they can come out. Say something like, “I want you to come right now.” Focus on getting rid of them. Tell them, “I want you to come.”
- If you are unsure if your partner can have an orgasm:
- Focus more on yourself. Say something like, “I don’t think I can take any longer tonight,” or “I am completely overwhelmed. I think I need a break. ” If your partner doubts whether you have achieved orgasm, speak the truth. Say something like, “No, but I’m completely satisfied.”
Keep in mind that even if you and your partner don’t have orgasm issues, orgasm doesn’t have to be the default ending. You can still have fun before and after orgasm!