How to Deal With School Bullies of All Ages
Bullies can complicate our lives at any age – even as an adult – but you don’t have to sit back and endure undeserved punishment from someone bigger, loud or angry than you. Here are some approaches you can take.
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To get sound advice on countering bullies, I spoke to Jeffrey DeGroat, Ph.D., LP , a clinical psychologist based in Birmingham, Michigan. He says bullying is a problem that he regularly encounters with children during treatment. So, if you feel alone in this, know that you are not. Almost everyone is bullied at some point, including me, and almost everyone has a great experience. It may seem that the situation will not improve now, but it will. Depending on your preference, DeGroat offers several options to suit hooligans of almost any age.
Ignore them until a certain point.
The first option is to ignore the bully, says DeGroat. They try to upset you in order to provoke your reaction. If you don’t react, there will be no reward for the abuser. They want you to scream, cry, cringe, look sad, do anything that suggests they will catch you. It makes them feel strong. If you ignore them completely, the power will go away. If you can handle it, they will get bored and move on.
DeGroat notes that this is one of the most difficult approaches to bully, but it is also one of the most effective. To help yourself, he suggests that you try the following mental exercise:
One technique I often recommend to students is to pretend the bully is a two-year-old. Usually, if a two-year-old calls us names, we ignore them because we don’t see them as a threat. Therefore, when we view the bully as a two-year-old, we understand that calling him names is not a threat, which further simplifies the process of ignoring him.
Choose to look at them as safe and they will start to feel that way. Of course, if their violence is more physical or you feel threatened, consider a different approach, like …
Tell an official who can and will help
DeGroat says a bully’s strength often increases when we’re too ashamed to tell anyone about it. Don’t be embarrassed by your situation and don’t hesitate to tell someone about what’s going on. See a teacher, counselor, or parent and explain the situation. Once you inform someone else, you are no longer alone in this.
Another reason it’s good to tell an authority figure – especially someone in your school – is that you will be protected if something happens. DeGroat explains:
Bullies may try to claim you are the bully to protect yourself from trouble. By reporting bullying to the authorities, we protect ourselves from possible false accusations by bullies.
If you get into a physical fight, your teacher or counselor will immediately know that the bully is lying about who started it because you’ve told them about the problem before. However, I offer one piece of advice: if you can, report it to the authority in private. Do not raise your hand or chat in front of the whole class, or you may make the situation worse (and everyone else will call you a snitch).
Only fight in self-defense mode
The third last option is to fight back. This approach is a little more controversial, according to DeGreat, but it can also be extremely effective. You don’t just ignore the bait that the bully is chatting in front of you, you throw it back to them. But DeGroat says this is only recommended if you are discussing this approach with your parents and they are comfortable with it, and an important distinction needs to be made before doing anything:
Hooligans often attack other students. While their victims may try to ignore this violent behavior or tell teachers about this violent behavior, the bullies can persist. If the student and parents are comfortable, I point out that the student has a choice to resist in self-defense. I do not recommend that a student fight a bully in revenge, but self-defense is an important distinction.
What exactly does “self-defense” mean? First, you should never start a confrontation with your bully. Only answer what they do. You also need to focus on protecting yourself, not hurting them. The main thing is to show that you are ready to defend yourself, not to prove that you are ready for fistfights. Think of it this way: you just want them to know that you are not making it easy for them. This is often all that is needed.
However, DeGroat points out that the decision to fight back in self-defense means that you must expect consequences for your behavior. Many schools have a zero-tolerance policy for fighting, even if you defend yourself, so be prepared for that. Again, DeGroat strongly recommends that you discuss this option with your parents first. If anything, knowing how serious you take your bully may prompt them to find other options that are better suited to the situation.
Whichever approach you choose, DeGroat emphasizes the importance of connecting with someone you trust. This can be a parent, brother or sister, friend or teacher. Just having someone to talk to will not make you feel lonely and powerless. And if the bullying is serious and persistent, talk to your school counselor right away and consider talking to a psychiatrist to help you figure out what’s going on in your head. There are so many people who can help you on their own, so do not hesitate to contact you.