How to Make Money for the First Time in a Relationship
So you’ve started dating someone new and learning a lot about them: where they grew up, what their hopes and dreams are, how they feel about the last season of GoT, the list goes on. The only thing you are completely in the dark about is their financial situation, and I find it embarrassing to ask.
There is already so much awkwardness in a new relationship. Throw in money and most people will avoid this topic altogether. However, given that money is a major predictor of divorce, it may be worth starting the discussion early.
When to talk about money
“As a financial divorce specialist, I see the negative consequences of not discussing finances in a relationship,” says Jamie Minster , CDFA, MBA. “People have ingrained ideas about money, and those [ideas] don’t usually change. The right time to discuss money is to start the dating process. “
Of course, this does not mean that on the first date you should blurt out, “So! Tell me how much is in your 401 (k)? “Before we all become serious, you can catch a few financial tips.
“When you first start dating someone, just watch them talk about and handle money,” says writer Christine Lucken . Are they hinting at having a lot of bills, credit card debt, or big student loan payments? Do they always insist on paying for dates, or insist on you paying? … These observations will give you an idea of how they handle and think about money. “
According to Luken, when the relationship gets more serious – you start talking about moving, you are dating exclusively, you’ve been together for several months – it’s time for a deeper conversation.
How to break the ice
“You don’t have to set up a formal meeting and say, ‘Now we are going to seriously talk about money! “You might say something like,” I’ve noticed that you rarely use cash to pay for things. I’m just curious why you are doing this, ”suggests Luken.
This helps the conversation flow naturally. But Luken warns that you need to keep your judgments in check. “Remember, just because your significant other is doing something other than you with their money doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong,” she adds. “Our past experiences and what we were taught or not taught by our parents about money can influence our behavior today.”
What to talk about
Minster says there are several important topics for discussion and questions, including:
- What worries you about debt?
- Are you in a lot of debt and are you comfortable with the amount you owe?
- How do you feel about budgeting? Are you on a tight budget right now?
- How do you manage your personal finances?
- Do you see how you pool resources with your partner or spouse?
“Another way to talk about money early on is to find out what the other person values and how they like to spend their money now,” says Maggie Reyes , marriage coach. “Often times, how people spend their time is how they spend their money, so it’s great to know what they like to do in their free time.”
Reyes offers several additional questions:
- How did you feel about money when you were growing up?
- What are your financial goals? Or do you have financial goals?
- How did your parents manage their money? What would you like to do differently, and what would you like to do the same?
Money may not be the most romantic topic, but it is very important if you want to avoid financial conflicts in the future. According to Minster, “If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, you need to be aware of their spending and saving habits.”