How to Make a Child Feel Guilty (in a Good Way)
Guilt is an unpleasant emotion that most of us try to avoid, either by not doing what we feel ashamed of (stealing candy, cheating on our spouses), or by rationalizing our actions so that guilt can be safely ignored (I needed to heal; my spouse is stingy with me). But in fact, guilt is a useful, necessary feeling that helps us develop into fully formed people with a conscience.
And to that end, it’s imperative that you teach your kids to feel guilty when it’s appropriate, ”says Perry Klass, a pediatrician writing for the New York Times , “ Certain guilt is a healthy part of child development. ” She refers to the concept of “moral guilt,” which is akin to empathy in that it makes us feel bad for doing something to make others feel bad.
Anyone who has ever had a child who bit her and laughed knows that guilt does not actually arise in children until around age 6 – the moment children begin to realize that other people have different experiences and perspectives. The class interviews psychologist Tina Malti, who studies the development of guilt in children, and she notes that around this age, most children will report guilt when they have done something wrong that negatively affected someone else – cause and effect that benefits. for the moral development of the child: “There is a lot of evidence that healthy feelings of guilt contribute to the prosocial behavior of children.”
It’s interesting to think about it: in our culture, we receive a lot of messages so that we do n’t feel guilty, take what we want, and not regret. And, of course, no parent wants a child to be burdened with guilt and shame for things that have nothing to do with him – for example, the family problems of her parents or the health problems of a brother or sister. These misplaced feelings of guilt or shame are where emotional health can go awry (and for adults – look at our cultural tendency to associate shame with certain foods, body types, or sexual desires).
But there are also, of course, people who, frankly, lack shame or guilt, people who do not have these negative feelings, and who learn from their mistakes – and therefore continue to harm other people. Some children do have a reduced capacity for empathy and therefore guilt, and a responsible parent will want to address this problem by helping the child develop a conscience. This can be difficult because we don’t want children who don’t see their own position and free will in the world feel overly responsible for the feelings of others – but we also don’t want little Brendan to beat all children with dead cats. , and even laughing.
The key, Klass says, is focusing on what the child can do differently the next time: “Guilt, when constructive, should give the child an appropriate sense of strength and free will, a realistic determination to do differently. Focus on specific actions, not on the character of the child; the message is not that something is wrong with the child, but that the child decided to do something wrong, and this brought certain results. ” Dr. Maltey introduces the idea of ”guilt induction,” or a kind of emotional storytelling that links action and consequences: “Your friend is crying because you hit him in the face with a dump truck.”
Children will need to learn what they are actually responsible for and what they are not really responsible for (again, this is what many adults struggle with), and as they get older, parents will want to help children, especially those struggling with anxiety and depression. , get rid of problems. their actions and consequences in perspective. With that in mind, we hope to raise kids who are morally behaving, punished when they violate their own moral standards, and at least don’t grow up to steal cars and cheat on their spouses.