Why Is It so Nice to Cancel Plans at the Last Minute and How to Do It
There’s something magical about canceling plans at the last minute – yes, I’ve heardanecdote from John Malani . You can immediately do whatever you want and don’t feel obligated to anyone. True freedom is just a shameful text. But flaking is a slippery slope that can lead to a harmful and rather rude habit. This is why you feel such a rush of relief when your evening is suddenly free, and how to keep yourself from becoming the person who always helps.
Why do you like canceling plans
According to Amy Banks , author of Wired to Connect , the biggest reason you probably love to wear a flake is because you have a busy schedule and time is so precious to yourself. Between work, family, and the usual day to day that you have to do just to keep everything afloat, the opportunity to snuggle up on the couch and watch TV is rare. So, when some plans creep in on you, when you have “one of those days,” you see this as an opportunity. You send a quick message that says you’re not going to succeed, and that you’re sorry, and boom – you suddenly have a sweet, sweet time alone.
It’s also especially gratifying to cancel plans that you weren’t 100% excited about to begin with, says Melanie Rudd, Ph.D. Maybe the person you said you would meet is exhausting and makes you nervous every time you see him. Or perhaps it is an event where you said you would attend when you drank a couple of glasses of wine and took part in one of your adventurous “why not?” the kind of mood that’s long gone. Allowing yourself to miss out on this kind of social interaction instantly becomes cathartic. So much so that you don’t really feel any guilt when you cancel. And it’s getting easier and easier because so much communication happens through text messages. You don’t need to see the disappointment on the other person’s face or hear the disappointment in their voice. Because of this, deviation from plans has become almost socially acceptable, which only encourages you to do it even more in the future. You think, “I can cancel my plans tonight because everyone is doing this” or “I have done this before and this was not the end of the world.”
How to stop
Ok, here is the part where I would explain why it is bad to always cancel plans, but I feel like you should know that already. However, just in case you are actually that selfish, you should know that this is rude, does not respect other people’s time and is a bad habit that can lead you to spend many lonely nights. If you want to break the cycle and stop flaking, there are a few things you can do. First, stop making so many plans . Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed and wanting to relax because you say yes to everything. Be careful about agreeing with things in the moment and really think about whether you want to do something before committing to it. This will not only keep you honest with your friends and family, but it will also make you more honest with yourself. If you know you will not enjoy playing kickball, do not agree to play kickball. If you know you don’t enjoy spending time with someone, don’t agree to date them, or at least take a break from them.
It helps to make sure that you are meeting specific needs before you say yes or no. Chip Raymond Knie, Ph.D., director of the Self, Motivation and Relationship Theories Lab at the University of Houston, believes that your potential plans should correspond to at least one of three basic things: autonomy or a sense of what you are doing. what do you really want; competence or feeling capable and effective; and kinship, or the feeling that you belong. If these plans don’t make you feel one of these things, give it up.
If you still find it difficult to fully realize your plans, Nancy Collier of Psychology Today recommends finding a way to “close the back door” or cut off your usual escape routes. Tell yourself that you are not allowed to write to a friend before the meeting and you can only call him; leave the house early and head to the place where you will meet people so that your sofa does not suck you in; or arrange with yourself that you will be allowed to leave early if you even come. It also helps you remember all the other times when you made plans and kept your promise. Chances are, getting to the end has always been a reward in one way or another. With the right mindset and some of these tricks, you will get rid of insecurities that could otherwise ruin your social life.