How to Check Your Child’s Name
So you’ve come up with the perfect name for your newborn. Great. It’s time to test it. Here are 12 tests to make sure you won’t regret it.
Test “Rhymes with bodily function”
I’m not the type to suggest that you avoid all names to laugh at, because trust me kids will find a way (like “Arthur is a fart!” What?), But try not to make it too easy. Think twice about names that sound like body functions or personal body parts. Also take the initials test, please. Avery Shane Smith is just a loser.
Bad Vibes test
There may be a name that you love intellectually, but life has ruined it for you. If it has something to do with bad vibes – say, it’s the name of your terrible ex-partner, or that kid in your class who writes his name on his papers with boogers, or that 97th colleague who stole your promotion – call it wash and go to no luggage name.
Test “Three Emilies in each class”
I’ve had to follow Michelle Wu (or just Wu) all my life. I agree with this, but I’d rather have a slightly less common name. Check out the Social Security Administration ‘s list of the most popular baby names and maybe avoid them, otherwise you will want your baby to be forever named Emma P. or Noah G.
Supreme Court Justice Test
If you’re going to daydream, dream a lot with the Supreme Court Test where you, well, just represent your child as a Supreme Court judge. Supreme Court Justice Ace Dangerous? Supreme Court Justice Wrigley Joe? It works?
Test for a completely average person
As explained above, everyone loves to represent their child, their precious blank slate of man, on the cover of Forbes or as a headliner for Coachella. But statistically speaking, the child is likely to be average. Would Sting be the right fit for your child if he becomes a book teenager with acne, becomes a dad with a minivan in the suburbs, becomes a senior volunteer in the periodical department at the library? Maybe not. This leads us to …
Test for unrealistic expectations
Oprah, Madonna, Beyonce, Kobe, LeBron, Bowie, Prince, Aretha. Do you really want this kind of pressure on your baby to start in the womb? Parents sometimes call their kids iconic names, hoping that some kind of celebrity namesake magic will infiltrate them. What this usually gives a poor child is complex.
Google Quick Search Test
Charles Edmund sounds like a beautiful, majestic name, but do a quick Internet search and you get pages and pages of results for Charles Edmund Cullen, a serial killer nurse from Pennsylvania. Do your homework. By the way, if you don’t want to give your daughter a “stripper name”, there is an app for that. Nametrix calculates the ” P-Star QUOTIENT ” names you might be looking at. For example, according to the app, Emma is not a stripper’s name at all. Candy, Kitty and Misty, on the other hand …
International translation test
Your child’s name may just be his name of origin, but then when he introduces himself to another country, he wonders why everyone is giggling. Here is a list of baby names that mean something inappropriate abroad . Did you know that in Argentina, “pit” is a slang term for fellatio. I googled. THIS IS TRUE. You are welcome.
Scream in the Playground Test
You will, of course, sing that name in soft lullabies as your sweet bundle sweeps away into the dreamland. You will also yell about it when you give the command, “PLEASE THIS BOY’S SHOES FROM YOUR MOUTH LAST TIME!” in the ball pit at McDonald’s. Practice pronouncing the name strictly in your best mom or dad voice. Would you be afraid of yourself?
Happy Birthday Song Test
Okay, maybe we should all kill the song Happy Birthday . But since he is currently alive and well, this is a good test for potential names. When you get to “Happy Birthday Dear _________,” will friends and family have to catch their breath in the middle because there are so many syllables here and then stare awkwardly at each other?
Longevity test
There was a time when I was sure that I would call my future daughter Juno. Guess which movie I just watched? It can be dangerous to name your child after any pop culture you are currently obsessed with. Name Elsa has increased dramatically in 2013 and 2014 at the peak of the mania cold heart, but then his popularity has fallen rapidly. Another tip: maybe don’t name your child after a Disney princess. (For the record, although I haven’t named my daughter Juno, I still think it’s a very cute name.)
Starbucks test
A super-practical way to check a name: order a drink with it at Starbucks. How do you feel? Good? A little funny? If you have a spark of happiness, it’s probably a good name. Some people also recommend that you check if the barista is pronouncing the word correctly, but I don’t think this is a good indicator. I mean, Michelle as Missle? Come on!
If the name passes all the tests, congratulations! You can now order eight personalized embroidered quilts on Etsy.