I Do Not Want Children, She Wants
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have a guy who really likes the girl he is dating. The problem is that he never wants children, but she does. Should they continue?
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other health professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
Hi, Patrick,
I was so close [holding fingers together] to getting a vasectomy this month. I am 29, no children, they are not interesting. My parents were disappointed, so I decided to freeze some swimmers as a safety net, but canceled the appointment instead and plan to just wait a few more years. Everyone assures me that my views will change by the age of 30, but my niece and nephew live with me part-time, so I am well aware that children take on responsibilities, and I do not think that this is for me.
Over the past few weeks, I started dating a new girl – also 29 years old, no children. We’re crazy about each other and this is the best communication I’ve ever had with a woman. I am frank with my desire not to have children and told her earlier, but lately we have been delving into it. She wants them, but she doesn’t have as much experience with them as I do. We don’t want to waste each other’s time. But we really enjoy this ride and click in almost every other way. We have come to the conclusion that we will check this every few weeks, and if nothing changes in six months, we will split up. Her argument is that perhaps she will decide that finding the right partner is more important than having children, and my argument is that I’m clearly not 200% against them, as evidenced by my canceled vasectomy. We are more than aware that it is dangerous to even think that one of us will change our minds, and that we are not making the most rational decisions during this phase of our honeymoon.
So how did we screw up? Should we rip off the patch now and stop using it, rather than a few months later, when it is likely to be much more painful? Agreeing that this probably has an expiration date would be bad. I think we both hope we find another tool to make decisions easier, but it’s like a once-in-a-decade connection and I don’t want to waste it. Thanks in advance for the harsh love, Patrick.
Best regards, wants to stay just an uncle
Hey, I want to remain an uncle:
The two of you are very attentive to this situation and communicate well, which is good, but here’s the harsh truth that you both already know: she wants children, and you don’t. Fin.
Spending a little time with your niece and nephew won’t change her views. More importantly, her decision that “finding the right partner is more important than having children” is not the same as not wanting children . Whether she comes to that conclusion or not, this desire for a few small ones probably won’t go away and will probably haunt her until it’s too late. If you guys stay together, one day she will take offense at you and wonder what could have been. Children are a big thing to disagree with! Not that you want a blue couch and she wants a white one.
On the other hand, canceling a vasectomy is not the same as possibly wanting children someday . The fact that you originally planned to have a vasectomy speaks volumes, Uncle. Honestly, your plan to check it out every few weeks is not so much a sincere checkpoint as it is continually applying for a renewal because everything else seems so good. You just hit the snooze button because you don’t want to wake up from this dream!
Do you know what will happen in six months? You will realize that deep down, both of you still feel the same way. The only thing that will change is that you will make everything much more difficult. The real question here is whether a relationship with an expiration date can be enjoyed (if both parties are aware of it). The answer to this question depends on the person – some people don’t want to start a lifelong relationship – but I’ll say this: six months is enough time to create exciting, unforgettable memories, enough time to get comfortable. waking up with someone close to you every morning and you will have plenty of time to fall in love. In fact, uncle, this is just the right amount of time to potentially make this breakup the most difficult of your life. Are you ready for this? If not, it’s time to stop hitting the repeat button. You haven’t been dating for that long. Wake up and inhale the smell of coffee that has not yet been spilled in the kitchen.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT E-MAIL ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY FUNCTIONAL AND PLEASE KEEP IT SHORT . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.