Use This Rule of Improvised Comedy to Avoid Controversy.
In comedy improvisation, the “yes and” principle means that you first agree with your partner’s premise, and then add it. The stage will not go anywhere without this important principle. And while real-life “yes and” is a cliché in the business world, I’ve found it to be a great way to redirect potential arguments into hilarious banter and keep everyone on the same team.
In improvisation, if we go on stage and I say: “Sire, the peasants at the castle gates with pitchforks!” I mean, “You are going to play a medieval king, I am your servant or advisor, and we are in conflict with angry peasants.” That’s why you don’t answer: “Why are you talking so strange, Freddie? Get back to the police car! “It’s funny exactly once, and it makes it very difficult to build a scene. To get more than one joke, we must first reconcile the underlying reality.
Arguments, mean bastards, often arise in real life because we disagree with some basic reality. When my wife says, “You forgot to put your chips away last night,” I know what she is really saying, “We’re worried about the mice, so it’s important that we don’t leave food outside the house.”
If I’m in a bad mood, I can argue that it doesn’t matter: “So what, look, nothing ate them!” Or maybe defend yourself by saying, “I didn’t count them just because I was so busy paying taxes!” The first answer rejects my wife’s basic reality, insisting that we don’t need to worry about mice. The second simply ignores her reality and presents my own. Now you can start an argument.
But if instead I say, “Oh, do you like the little snack I left for the mice?” then I accept its basic reality. I say, “I agree with the consequences of not eating,” and I tune in to agree with her by making fun of my mistake.
A good trick is that since I take it as a joke, I don’t feel that vile, protective voice in my head claiming that it’s her job to clear the chips, or that mice don’t even eat chips. What’s the difference? Whether we quarrel or not, in an hour I’ll probably understand that she’s right, so for now, let’s just get along. (This joke trick is great for small things; don’t rely on it for really serious discussions.)
I’m sure you’ve never started arguing about something so stupid and small. But the next time someone else is a jerk and starts an argument, try to agree with their underlying reality. Joke if you like. Accept that you are the king and the peasants are in revolt. (“I know, and they smell bad too!”) It’s hard to fight when everyone is busy coordinating with each other.