What to Do If You Cry at Work
As a new employee, you’ll hear a few tips over and over again: come in a good mood, offer to do extra work as often as possible, and never cry at work. But the fact is that you are human – you will cry. Instead of avoiding it at all costs and berating yourself for not holding back your emotions, it’s best to prepare for the time it happens.
If you start crying at work, it is usually for one of the following reasons: something happened in your personal life that makes you stressful (for example, caring for a sick loved one or losing a friend), someone is rude at work, or you are thinking that you are lagging behind and it is difficult for you to cope with it.
First things first: is it okay to cry at work? “The bottom line is that it’s usually best not to cry because you’re not negotiating from a position of power when you cry,” says Joan Williams, distinguished professor at the University of California, Hastings College of Law. “And you force someone to deal with your strong emotions when you probably want to save your political capital for another matter.”
Williams says, fair or not, crying in the workplace is especially dangerous for women because he plays into the stereotype that they are too emotional and incompetent to handle business pressures. On the other hand, men are often expected to express a much narrower range of emotions, which means that they risk being considered “weak” if they are seen crying in the workplace.
“However, it happens to people, and it’s not the end of the world, especially if you handle it properly,” says Mark Prosser, co-founder of FitSmallBusiness.com . So how do you deal with this? Here are some suggestions.
Rephrase the conversation
For example, one Harvard Business School article found that rethinking why you cry can work in your favor. The researchers found that when someone started crying and then said, “Sorry, I’m just very passionate about this,” the study volunteers found them more competent than if they said, “Sorry, I’m just really excited about this.” or simply “I’m sorry.”
Williams, a law professor, offers similar advice. She recalls that while she was writing her book What Works for Women at Work , one executive woman told Williams that she started crying at a meeting with two “assholes.” Instead of apologizing, she changed the wording of the conversation.
“She told them that I was not crying because I was upset, I was crying because I was very angry at what you did,” Williams recalls. “It was a brilliant move because she basically took what would almost certainly have been otherwise interpreted as a sign of weakness and emotionality, and re-characterized it as an expression of strength.” (The deplorable cultural assumption that anger conveys more power than other emotions is conversation for another day.)
It works no matter who you are dealing with. You don’t want your coworkers or bosses to get embarrassed and leave with negative perceptions of you. “The best thing is to take control of the situation. Say, “I have a strong reaction, give me a couple of minutes and I can continue,” says Prosser. “You admit that something is happening, but at the same time you say that you are going to get your shit together pretty quickly.” If something happens once or twice, people are likely to forget about it.
Pick yourself out of the situation
If you’re in a meeting or surrounded by other people and feel like you might cry, both Prosser and Williams say it’s appropriate to go to a secluded spot like the bathroom, stairwell, or grab a snack while you can’t compose yourself. Give yourself space and time.
“The best way to deal with crying at work is to avoid it,” says Prosser. “Say ‘I’m sorry, I really need to use the toilet.’ And that gives you time to collect your thoughts and reflect on what is upsetting you. “
If you are a relatively newcomer to the workforce and are facing stress and criticism in the workplace for the first time, it is sometimes normal to feel overwhelmed. “It’s not even a sign that you are doing a bad job, it could be a sign that you are opening up new opportunities,” says Prosser. Everyone experiences this stress and insecurity, but you don’t want to be so overwhelmed that you constantly let your emotions take over.
So if you feel like you are about to cry, take a walk and come up with a plan for how you are going to deal with it in the future. For example, if the problem is that you have a terrible boss, remind yourself that you are looking for new opportunities and will soon get out of there, while remaining polite and doing your best job. If this is an ongoing personal problem, it might be time to consider therapy or some other way to let off steam outside the workplace. Identify what triggers emotional reactions and address them.
Be respectful if you are a manager
If you’re a boss or supervisor, you have the opportunity to rethink the conversation across your entire workplace. “If you’re Sherrill Sandberg, I would advise you to cry at work because you will make more room for others,” says Williams.
This can help your employees feel more relaxed and less stressed. Sometimes people just need a little compassion or a few minutes to collect their thoughts. This does not mean that they are bad at their job, it just means that they are human.
“I don’t think crying has to be a big deal,” Williams says. “People get upset and cry – put up with it.”