How to Talk to Your Child About a Loved One’s Illness
My father-in-law was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease almost 10 years ago. His trembling is noticeable, and my daughter knew that there was something that made her dad’s hands tremble. For years, my wife and I preferred to leave things as they were because she had no other symptoms and didn’t ask.
This winter, he developed bouts of involuntary twitching and seizures , known as dyskinesia, which people with Parkinson’s disease often experience. These attacks occurred in the middle of the night, exacerbated his Parkinson’s sleep problems, and caused him to sleep during Sunday morning FaceTime sessions with our family.
My daughter seemed to accept our explanation that “daddy is not feeling well” until one Sunday when my mother-in-law called after a video chat. She just found out that her cousin died of a stroke. During the phone call, my daughter was playing in the next room.
A little later, my wife noticed that our daughter was no longer engaged in her craft. She was restless, fussy and absent-minded. She started something, stopped, and then moved on to something else. This was not her normal behavior. We asked her what happened, and after a pause, she explained that her dad was not on FaceTime, and she hadn’t seen him for a long time. She said she heard my wife talking to my grandmother on the phone about someone dying, and she thought it was dad.
My wife and I had the same thought at the same time, almost simultaneously: “Oh shit.”
There are many resources out there on how to talk to children about death , but we don’t see a whole range of advice on how to deal with illnesses and ailments that can affect family members of all ages. Adults, who are likely to deal with their own anxieties and emotions, often try to shield children from their feelings. But children often understand more than we think, and engaging them in conversation can help them feel safe and involved.
It took some comfort and a quick FaceTime appearance, but we were able to convince my daughter that her dad was okay. Here’s what I learned about talking to children about illness and disease.
Listen and provide space
I turned to the mother of one of my daughter’s best friends for help. Cheryl Mayer is a licensed social worker in the Syracuse, New York School District. She had to tell children the news that a parent or friend had cancer or had died. In every situation, she listens, gives the child room to process information, and confirms that any reaction he may have is perfectly normal.
Tanya Gesek, Ph.D., a psychologist based in New York City, encourages parents to learn what their child already knows so that you can determine what they will be emotionally prepared to deal with. Gesek, who works with children and adolescents, says the overall context of the illness is important, especially for young children. You can tell them the name of the disease or disease, what changes may occur (“Grandma will have oxygen with her”) and whether the disease is contagious (“It’s safe to hug uncle”). “The best thing to do is to focus on helping them manage their symptoms,” she says.
Consider their age
An honest answer to a child’s question is very important – it teaches children that you can be trusted and that they can feel safe in asking questions. But Gesek says their age should determine what happens next. You would speak differently to a 16-year-old than to a kindergartner.
“I believe in honesty, but I believe it should be consistent with development,” she says. “Children under three years old won’t do much. Young children are quite tough and can handle more than you think. Their down-to-earth approach can comfort adults who cannot discuss things like illness and malaise. ”
The sheer volume of information over time can prevent overworking a young child. Meyer added that sometimes it is enough to confirm the feelings of the child. If they still seem concerned, she suggests asking them what they think about it, inviting them to share their feelings. “I affirm, ‘Yeah, I’m a little worried too,’ and then share how I dealt with it as an adult. “But even though I’m worried, I know that grandpa is going to the doctor who can help in any way possible.”
Don’t cover them up
While adults and children perceive sad news alike, children are limited in their information and ability to understand. Mayer says it’s important for adults to model and explain how to deal with it. Both Gesek and Mayer, above all, seek to immediately understand the situation. “Children develop resilience in difficult situations,” says Gesek. “Hiding them from this makes it impossible to gain strength and stamina.”
In his approach, Mayer reflects on his own parenting. “Children get the biggest problems when we cover them up rather than help them understand,” she says. “I want my children to experience disappointment, loss, frustration, anger, sadness and pain while they are still children, so that they are better equipped to deal with all of this as adults.”
Allow your child to continue seeing a friend or family member as long as it is safe to do so, and find ways your child can help. Perhaps they can push a wheelchair, make them a business card, or just hold their hand.
When you don’t know something, say so
An important part of being honest is admitting that you don’t have an answer. “I often say to my son:“ I don’t know, but I will find out and let you know if I can. ”
If you feel that your child needs additional emotional support, see a psychologist or other professional. And don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. First of all, remember that you are human.
I don’t know , says Mayer. That’s a perfectly acceptable answer.