What to Do If Your Picky Eater Is a Teenager

What will happen if your picky child does not grow out of this? What if you’re begging a 15-year-old to just try a green vegetable? After all, by adolescence, kids already have money to spend, autonomy, and access to lots of unhealthy food. So what do parents do when the strategies they used when their child was six just no longer work?

“By adolescence, it’s hard,” says Katya Rowell, a family doctor who works with parents and children on nutrition issues ranging from eating disorders to picky gardening. “When children are younger, everything changes.” Rowell and Jenny McGlotlin, a speech pathologist, are co-authors of Helping Your Child with Extreme Eating Choices and have released a new book, Defeating Fussy Eating for Teens and Adults . They argue that parents are not helpless, even if they have teenagers who would rather go with friends for fries than have a roast with mom and dad.

As a side note, experts do not necessarily agree on how to deal with picky food because feeding is an extremely complex medical and psychological problem. (Consider all the mechanisms involved in the development of oral motor skills, appetite, sensory and gustatory sensitivities, social conditioning of food and eating, and body image in older children — the list goes on.) Some doctors and therapists recommend the behavioral model described here . Virginia Saul-Smith of the New York Times : “Think of it as Pavlov’s approach: it is a form of ‘behavior modification’, a psychological tactic in which refusal to eat is classified as negative behavior that is systematically replaced with positive.” This can include positive reinforcement such as swallowing or biting, or even holding the baby’s arms, or force-feeding.

And here’s what Rowell describes as a more “responsive” approach, also called the “child-centered” model: “We try to tap into the motivation of the teenager, and we foster his inner curiosity and desire to excel at food.”

Ellen Sutter, author of My Baby: Feeding with Love and Common Sense , codified this responsive approach with the “ shared responsibility ” philosophy that has become the basis of much of today’s infant feeding advice: Parents decide what to do. to serve and when to serve. The child decides whether there are and how much (of what is offered – no negotiations or talks about something else). There is always something on the table that the child loves to eat, such as bread or rice, and each family member gets their favorite meal from time to time as the main course. Family food is of the utmost importance; good manners are important, otherwise you trust that your children will learn to taste different dishes on the table at their convenience. (I wrote about using this method with my preschooler and kid a few years ago if you want to see how separation of concerns manifests itself in real life.)

A parent confronted with a finicky child (or a child who completely refuses to eat, as described by Smith-Soul above) is faced with a truly amazing array of treatment options and advice, ranging from coercion to coercion and bargaining to structured laissez-Satter. fair method. Rowell says: “[There are] so many competing schools of thought, and it would be great if parents knew this so they know they have a choice. If what the therapist recommends increases anxiety, power struggles, vomiting or vomiting, it probably will not help the adolescent’s long-term goal of having a good relationship with food. ” She and McGlotlin wrote a helpful tutorial on finding the right help and identifying ineffective or counterproductive treatments .

To get an idea of ​​how a parent can cope with an average (i.e., non-traumatized and no other medical problem) picky teenager, I asked Rowell and Kristen Harris, professors in the Department of Nutrition and Exercise at Bastir University. and Institute professor Ellen Sutter for their best advice.

Know that you are not alone

It may seem like every kid, but yours, loves bok choi and salmon, but the parents of picky eaters have a lot of company. While it is difficult to accurately estimate how many children, adolescents, and adults eat selectively (because it depends on the survey’s definition of “selective eating”), experts estimate the figure for children to be between 5 and 25 percent. Sky Van Zetten, who runs the Mealtime Hostage blog, says 25% of children are picky about their food, and about half of that number will remain selective in their teens and older; 26% of adults identify as picky eaters .

Likewise, there is no hard and fast rule outlining what makes a picky or selective eater: some experts use the 20 food limit, but Rowell says she has seen patients eating 15 foods that are on the right track, and she has observed patients. who eat 40 foods but panic about new food and can’t eat in the school cafeteria. “We say that ‘extreme’ fussy eating is when a child or adolescent eats so little [in quantity or variety] that it affects his physical, social, or emotional health, and / or if anxiety about his food is of serious concern or a conflict for the family. These families need additional support, which can be a book, a few phone calls [registered dietitian] specializing in this area, or intensive care [depending on the severity of the problem]. ”

Appeal to your teen’s desire for change

Rowell and McGlotlin acknowledge that strategies that work for young children may not necessarily work for teens. But parents of teenagers have one big advantage: if a parent can use a child’s own desire to expand their tastes, they have an ally. Perhaps the teenager himself wants to be able to order something other than chicken nuggets for prom and is ready to work on finding new food that he likes. “Or they say, ‘I need to eat better to improve my stamina on the football field,’ says Rowell. “It helps them understand their motivation. If you try to force them [to eat better], it will backfire. “

To help teens gradually change their lifestyles — wanting to try new foods or learning how to respond to their body’s satiety cues so they don’t overeat or overeat, parents can try several strategies to reduce stress and address the root of the problem. problem.

Start over

If you’ve been involved in a multi-year battle with your child over his food, you may have to hit the reset button. Rowell suggests a conversation that begins like this: “We haven’t really enjoyed dinner in a long time.” Admit that something is not working. I really like the phrase: “We are a family that solves problems, and we will figure it out.”

Ellen Sutter’s small book on feeding teens, Feeding with Love and Common Sense: Ages 12-18, offers a sample conversation with a teens on how to start this discussion. It starts like this:

“ You: You know, I was trying to get you to ______ (eat vegetables, eat less, eat more, not snack; state your feeding tactics here). You don’t like it, and I don’t like to quarrel with you about it. From now on, I will be planning and preparing meals. I will include one or two meals with every meal you normally eat. You can then decide if and how much of the foods I included in my lunch. I also expect you to come to dinner on time and be hungry. Comments? Criticism? ”(The rest of the book is also useful for developing strategies for working with select teens.)

Make a plan for a regular family meal

At this point, have a family dinner at a specific time – a recommendation that underlies the advice of almost every child feeding expert . It’s easy now with a four-year-old who has Paw Patrol after school; It is much more difficult with older children juggling, sports and social life. But parents can achieve this, even if it is not every evening, even if it is not six in the evening, even if it is not the whole family, and even if it is not dinner.

Maybe on some evenings this means that the family dinner starts at 8:00 pm when the kids are returning home from hockey, or, if that isn’t possible, maybe it’s the usual family breakfast instead of dinner. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but you emphasize that your family appreciates dining out together, which everyone enjoys on a regular basis. Dr. Harris admits that “there are seasons when it’s harder. Even if your teenager is late, sit down with him and share the food. ”

But both Harris and Rowell emphasize sociability and ways of eating together (a basic tenet of all those books like French Kids Eat Everything : families in other cultures regularly get together for unhurried dinners, dinners at which it would be terribly rude to say flask or demand another dish and children will be able to see their parents, cousins ​​and neighbors enjoy eating different dishes). The idea is to not focus on what is on the table and whether your child will eat it, and focus on spending time with the family. There should be no electronics or telephones at the table.

Eliminating power struggles

This is part of the reset that both Rowell and Sutter recommend: serve meals that include something tasty for everyone at the table. “Part of the leadership role of parents is to ensure that everyone gets the food they like,” says Harris. This does not mean that you make burgers every night to please one picky girl, but it does mean that when you cook chicken cacchiatore, there is something else on the table that she can get enough of. “What can be added are side dishes – like bread and butter, tortillas, or rice,” says Harris. Basically, you consider everyone’s preferences – there is something on the table that everyone can eat – but you don’t cook for short periods.

Everyone should go to the table hungry. “As a parent, you still adhere to the structure,” says Harris. “When a person comes to the table, he should be hungry, but not hungry. You can tell your teen, “We are having dinner at 6 or 6:30, so you need to finish your afternoon snack by 4 or 4:30.” Rowell calls this “keeping your appetite”: allowing yourself to actually get hungry to eat (and get more pleasure out of it).

And sometimes everyone gets their favorite meals for the main course – even the parents. Sometimes it’s shrimp and grits for dad, sometimes it’s nuggets for a six-year-old, or pizza for a teenager. “We have pizza in our family almost every week,” says Harris.

Everyone at the table (including you!) Sutter writes, chooses from the proposed without comment, paying particular attention to the conversation.

Include regular desserts and casual junk snacks

“There are often too many restrictions on what can be called ‘forbidden food,’” says Harris. “We suggest offering dessert regularly (not necessarily every day) and occasionally offering unlimited” junk food favorite during snacks, be it cookies, chips, or whatever your child loves. “They have to make sure from their own experience that delicious food is enough. Offer forbidden foods often enough to make them common. ” The idea is that kids will never learn to regulate themselves on the sidelines of the candy world unless they have the opportunity to, well, practice self-management.

Get ready to turn to a professional

But what if you do all of this and your child is still restricting their foods to just a few items? Then it might be time to speak with her pediatrician or nutritionist to determine if something else is going on. “Extremely picky food comes with anxiety,” says Rowell. Depending on the problem, a therapist, speech pathologist, registered dietitian or registered dietitian dietitian or eating disorder specialist can help figure out why a teen is not hungry and help her find her own path to healthy eating. … “Any of these professionals who do a thorough analysis to identify red flags could be helpful. It is so difficult because I believe there are many people who offer ‘feeding therapy’ but are not qualified to do so, and there is potential for real harm. ” (See her post linked above for treatments that can do more harm than good.)

Rowell says they can be “sensory avoidance” children who cannot handle mixed textures or smooth or slippery things; or they may be “sensory seekers”: they want crispy or spicy food. If your teen’s food is so limited that you are concerned about the original nutrition, your dietitian can help with small changes, such as adding protein powder to a smoothie.

According to Rowell, a professional “can help the family understand where the problem is — whether it’s texture or response to pressure,” or even an undiagnosed problem such as OCD, anorexia, or food avoidance / restriction disorder (Arfid). … Rowell cautions parents against dangers such as weight loss, unhealthy preoccupations with body image — for example, “at least I’m not getting fat,” excessive exercise, ritual behavior, or feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. or it doesn’t get better.

The professional can also work directly with the teenager to find solutions; As Rowell points out, most teens want to be empowered in this area – after all, they don’t particularly like the fear of going to a friend’s house for lunch or an unfamiliar restaurant; they want to feel energized enough to get through their busy days. Even if the problem is as serious as Arfid is, adolescents and adults alike report that simply getting a diagnosis and treatment was a relief, because once you overcome judgment and shame, Arfid becomes a disease to be dealt with like any other.

Release the rope

Returning to the usual, non-Arfidian picky eating habits: if power struggles are really ingrained – “if you really struggle with this dynamic,” says Rowell, “you might have to let go of the rope,” assuming there is no security such an issue. like a sharp weight loss. This doesn’t mean you have to fully check and wash your hands of the problem – but it could mean offering to ease any steps your child wants to try, like therapy, take him to Costco for samples, buy him a book by Rowell and McGlotlin to work through. on his own or help him find cooking shows that he might be interested in. This can mean leaving the relationship with the dietitian or therapist and giving them the opportunity to deal with it (while still being discreet in offering family meals and helping him access all the resources he needs).

Unfortunately, it can also mean recognizing that your child is just like him . I have one very selective ogre and another adventurous one, and my main goal right now is not to make the problem worse . This survey has shown that many adults eat selectively, and in such cases it is the parent’s job to help the teenager, especially the older teenager, learn to navigate the adult world through these difficulties.

Don’t forget about your problems

In my now eight-year-old experiment with feeding a picky baby, I was forced to face my own flaws: I’m not particularly adventurous myself. There are textures that I hate. I’m worried about my weight and I’m worried about eating too much bread / pasta / meat / cheese / dessert / anything.

Consider the number of adults who say, “I was picky when I was a kid, but it was because my parent was a terrible cook,” or who had parents who were very selective in their food or had very limited ideas about how what “healthy” foods were or constantly commented on the weight and appetite of their children. I know several Southerners who say that until they were adults they did not know that vegetables should not be cooked to death. This is the case when we do not know what we do not know about our own addictions, attachments and prejudices about food. So I try to remind myself that my son will end up eating in kitchens that don’t belong to me and the wider culture will open up new tastes for him. At the same time, my mail goal is to support him where he is, to encourage good manners, and let him enjoy the food he is ready to eat. Fingers crossed, he will grow out of it by the time he is a teenager.