Dating Apps Are for Identifying Dates and People
Some people have problems that require the delicate advice of a qualified professional. Others just need a random guy on the internet to kick them in the teeth (i.e. honestly). I am the last one. Welcome back to Tough Love .
This week, I’m answering a few people looking for advice and answering a question I get asked regularly: “How do I get people to reply to my online dating messages?”
Note: I am by no means a therapist or medical professional. People ask for my advice, and I give them. End of transaction. If you have any problems, please submit a formal complaint here . Now that this doesn’t get in the way, let’s continue.
I’m serious about finding someone, but when I contact someone online, they seem to chat and then stop. Or they say that they live too far. Or just don’t answer at all.
Here’s another poor thing:
Hey, I play with guys a lot, but this isn’t going anywhere. I tried to wait for them to speak first, just say hello, compliment and comment on something interesting that I read on their profile. I’m very close to giving in and quitting dating … What should I do?
I’m going to tell you a very useful dating secret. Whenever you reach out to someone on an app or dating site , do so with the intention of making a plan right away . Dating apps are designed to quickly connect you so you can get to the heart of dating, rather than giving you a place to endlessly discuss likes and dislikes until you’re sure you’ve met the “one.” Here are some reasons why it is best to start making plans:
- Simply saying “hello” or “hello” is useless, especially if you’re using an app or service where you match people by scrolling or adding to favorites. The match itself says “hello” so you don’t have to do it over again. Plus, it’s impersonal and doesn’t make the other person feel special. Jump right into the good stuff.
- Communication for too long makes people calm down and gives people too much time to rethink their fit with you. This is when you get excuses, saying they live too far away, or how their work makes them take on so much work, or they just give you a ghost. Good conversation is good, but save it for personal communication.
- Compliments are fine in theory, but they can also be misunderstood or make you angry. Intention is hard to read in text communication. If you’re going to compliment, compliment what they are in control and use that as a planning tool (see example below).
- Commenting on something interesting that you read on your profile is better than just saying hi, but that still doesn’t move things forward. For example, a message like “Hello! So do you like board games? Me too! “Not perfect. You know they like board games because their profile says so. You ask them to confirm? And they know that you know they like board games because, again, it’s on their profile, and you ask them about it. Establishing similar interests is good, but there is a better way to use shared likes as a means of actually meeting (see example below).
- Even if you chat for a while and end up making plans for the future, you have nothing to talk about when you finally meet. To make matters worse, you took those text messages and created a fantastic version of this person in your head. Most likely, they are very different from each other, and you will be disappointed. Don’t tune in to it!
- Trying to make a plan right away also helps weed out people in two different ways. First, it forces you to narrow down the issues and really focus on the people you are willing to meet based on their profiles and photos. Are you worried about reading about them? Are you attracted to them? Great, go for it. If not, continue. I know, I know, you are thinking, “But I want to talk to people to get a feel for them and make sure they are not serial killers,” or something like that. Look, if someone seems shallow enough that you don’t meet them in a public place, will talking to them really convince you to change your mind? Also, if they are a serial killer, talking to them only gives them the opportunity to manipulate you. Logically speaking, “meeting someone” through text messages does not make you safer and does not necessarily help you better understand who they really are. This can only happen in person. Second, open communication with an invitation to a meeting scares away all people who are not really in the know. All online dating tourists who just need a place to flirt, grab attention, or watch won’t bother because they don’t really want to date people. Ask someone out on a date – if they see your profile and like what they see, they’ll go for it. Otherwise, you have saved a ton of time and energy that would have been spent trying to convince them to drink coffee.
- Asking someone right away is courageous and will show them that you are determined and know what you want. Many people respond well to this move, for example, “Wow, they don’t play any games …”
So what does a good online dating message look like? Let’s say you’ve found an intriguing profile of an attractive person that doesn’t seem sketchy. They mention that they love the hit HBO show Westworld , craft beer and pizza – three things you love too. Here’s what you could say:
Hey! You look pretty cool and I love your sense of style. Would you like to have a drink this Saturday and talk about what a cool Wild West world is? Tasty Za is a great pizzeria and bar with local craft beer!
This type of message does a lot at once: you get rid of the awkward greeting if you need it (even if it’s redundant); you let them know that you like their mood; you compliment what they control; you tell them your intentions right away (you want to go on a date, yes); you bring up some things that both of you like; you give them a specific time and place to meet. All they have to do is look at your profile, check their calendar, and say yes or no. This won’t work all the time (which, again, is a good thing), but chances are they will give you a chance if they are even remotely interested in you. Try it!
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT E-MAIL ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY FUNCTIONAL AND PLEASE KEEP IT SHORT . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.