How to Get Your Clingy Significant Other to Give You Some Time on Your Own
This week we have newlyweds who are desperate to find time for themselves. Is there a way for her to ask her husband to leave her alone? Will her husband finally be able to let her play the game in peace?
Some people have problems that require the delicate advice of a qualified professional. Others just need a random guy on the internet to kick them in the teeth (i.e. honestly). I am the last one. Welcome back to Tough Love .
Note: I am by no means a therapist or medical professional. People ask for my advice, and I give them. End of transaction. If you have any problems, please submit a formal complaint here . Now that it doesn’t get in the way, let’s continue:
Hi, Patrick!
I was with my newly married husband for about six years, and we live in a small bedroom for about five years of our relationship, so we had little space to spend time. He was unemployed for five years, so every time I came home from work, he was there. This did not leave me alone. Now he has a job, but temporarily he only works one day a week, so I went back to being at home all the time . I understand that he is alone all the time I am at work, so I try to spend time with him. But every time I ask him what he wants to do, it’s “go” or “sex” (sometimes kidding, sometimes not).
I really enjoy playing video games, it’s a way to relax after I get home from work. I even made sure to find someone who also loves to play video games so that he understands when I want to voraciously. I tried to play video games with him, but he was tired of the games I love to play. I’ve tried playing games that he likes, but since he’s more at home than me, he surpasses a level or part of the story I’m in, ends the game, and then doesn’t want to play it anymore.
Every time I talk about how normal couples don’t spend all their available time together, and I should have more time on my own, he goes to the defense and basically says that he is a terrible husband and yada-yada, so that we get nowhere. What am I doing?
Regards, Barely Alone
Hello, barely alone :
You’re right, although this varies from person to person, most couples don’t spend every waking moment together and don’t want to. It is very important to spend time alone. It gives us time to relax, reflect, and allows us to miss the person we love a little. Even an evening away from each other can be enough to remind you how much you enjoy being with this person, both mentally and physically.
Sharing the same room is difficult because it mostly makes it impossible to go about your business. Moving somewhere with more than one room will probably help some, but the real problem here is your husband’s dependence on you. You could almost replace “my husband” in your letter with “my dog,” and that would make sense – almost. I mean, what could be sexier than a guy who sits and does shit all day, plays games that you have to play together, clings to you as soon as you get home like some kind of emotionally stunted parasite. and then makes you feel guilty when you want to do something yourself? Sorry ladies, this is busy.
I don’t know why he didn’t work for so long and hardly works now, but if something doesn’t prevent him from doing it (injury, illness, etc.), he should probably work more. Not because he needs to be a breadwinner – these old family models are bullshit – but because this guy needs to do something besides playing video games and waiting for you. He needs to get out of the house and hang out with other people, or at least you know, take a little walk and get some air, mostly not flatulence and Cheetos dust.
It’s great that in theory you two could potentially play games together, but I don’t think he really wants to play with you BA. He stops playing games you like “out of boredom” and doesn’t wait to play his games with you. If he wanted to play these games with you, he would play something else throughout the day as he molds and gradually becomes part of the room you live in. And you know what, it’s okay! You don’t need to play games together. In fact, you are probably better off not playing together in this situation. You need time for yourself to do what you want. Sometimes it will overeat your last gaming obsession, while other times it will just mean you need to take some time away from it.
First, convince him to personally spend time with his friends. If he doesn’t have them, he should get them. Don’t let him become one of those men who have no friends in life by the time he reaches middle age. This is unhealthy for both your relationship and him . It’s the same with you. Go chat with friends or find them. For heaven’s sake, spend time with other people – both of you!
The other part of the problem is your schedule, or lack of it. You need to define things for each other and set boundaries. I know it’s easy to let each night be relaxed and go with the flow, but it makes it harder to do what you want to do. When the night is open and you come home and say, “I just want to play my game a little,” it looks like a choice — as if you chose something over it. If you are planning something, then playing your games is not an incentive to choose the moment, but is part of the plan. So, you should set some kind of schedule. Tell him bluntly that you are going to play your games on certain nights each week and that he should make plans to do those nights. This allows him to know in advance that his sad act with the puppy will not work, so he should make his own plans.
And be sure to make plans together. If he knows he’s guaranteed a few nights with you every week, he can quit and let you go about your business. But these dating plans don’t have to be entirely up to you. If he wants to hang out and do something with you, he should get rid of all the bullshit and come up with something out of it.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT E-MAIL ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY FUNCTIONAL AND PLEASE KEEP IT SHORT . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.