How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Mother
It’s almost Mother’s Day, which means that many of us are going to spend the day talking to mothers – in person, on FaceTime, or on the phone.
Some of us, however, end these calls or brunches wanting to let us know how best to talk to our mothers. Maybe we felt we were being nagged or criticized, so we shut up or snapped back. Maybe Mom asked too many questions about our personal life or got busy with one issue that we didn’t want to discuss. We might have hoped we’d have a moment of connection when we’re adults, but ended up feeling like a teenager again.
How do grown children learn to communicate better with their mothers? It all comes down to understanding what your mother is actually trying to say and using that information to shape a more loving and open response.
Post versus meta post
Why does it seem that mothers and their adult children always fall back on the kind of parent-child dynamic that in many cases interferes with true communication?
Dr. Deborah Tannen, author of ” Do You Wear It?” Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation writes that it all starts with a message and a meta message :
Everything we say matters at these two levels. A message is the meaning that is contained in the dictionary definitions of words. Usually everyone agrees with this. But people often disagree on how to interpret words, because interpretations depend on meta-messages – meaning gleaned from how something is said, or from the fact that it is said at all. Emotional reactions are often triggered by meta messages.
Mothers are masters of the meta message from “Don’t You Want to Sleep in Your Big Baby Bed?” to “can you take out the trash after lunch?” Of course, by the time most of us are teenagers, we realize that “can you take out the trash?” – not a real question, but “would you like to put on some lipstick?” It is not really asking us to consider our true desires.
Therefore, we are irritated by what we view as the mother’s attempts to control us, and this type of emotional response often persists into adulthood.
It is difficult to regulate this automatic emotional response, but it is an important step towards better communication with the mother. Are you wearing it? is a great resource and I also need to ask Dr. Tannen for more information. Although you wear it? specific to mothers and daughters, the advice may apply to adult children of all genders.
Remember criticism is caring.
“First, remember that concern and criticism are bought with the same coin,” Tannen explains. “If this sounds like criticism, that is also a concern.”
When your mom asks “do you really like hair like this,” you are right to interpret it as criticism, even if your mom rejects any attempt to provoke her with the words “I was just curious!” (Tannen notes that this is a common tactic in conversations between mother and daughter: claiming that you meant a message only when both parties know you meant a meta message.)
But you should also interpret this to mean that your mother wants the best for you, even if it’s something relatively unimportant, like the best haircut possible. Yes, everyone who has seen Lady Bird will no doubt remember that what mothers think is best for their children is not necessarily best for themselves! However, portraying criticism as a concern is one way to get rid of some types of meta-message. If you can focus on the real meta-message – that your mother cares for you – you are less likely to want to fight back.
Find a balance between communication and invasion
Learning to handle critical meta-messages optimistically is the first step to improving communication with the mother. The second step for many adult children is to find a balance between connection and intrusion.
Some adults love that their mothers can keep up with them on Facebook or text them throughout the day. Others see a thread of notifications that Mom liked the post and Mom commented on the post and feel … well, intruded.
This may be partly due to the generation gap. “Moms comment on everything [on social media] like they’re talking,” Tannen told me. “If someone shows you a photo, you comment on it.”
But if you feel like your mother wants to be both applause and commentator for as much of your life as possible, you’re probably right. Tannen explains that mothers often fear that they will be excluded from their children’s lives or that they will not be able to protect their children when they need it, so they put in the extra effort to stay connected, which in turn leads to conflict. To quote do you wear this? :
Where a mother sees protection and connection, a daughter may see a restriction of her freedom and an invasion of her privacy.
You can rethink this conflict in the same way that you reformulate critical meta-messages into expressions of love and care, but only to a certain extent. Sometimes, it’s necessary to set boundaries in order to learn how to communicate better with your mother.
Many adult children actively make decisions about which part of their life to share with their mothers and which to keep secret. Are you wearing it? notes that some people prefer to talk about minor issues or problems and keep the main ones to themselves, while others only raise the main issues and do not mention the minor ones. Both tactics serve the same purpose: to connect with the mother and give her the opportunity to offer her suggestions / experiences without overwhelming the mother with her problems and without overloading herself with unwanted advice.
Other people set boundaries by focusing the conversation on common interests: books, films, shopping. Watching TV with your mom is a great way to build communication, and you can talk about the characters’ lives instead of your own.
Tannen also suggests setting boundaries for communication methods. Thanks to text messaging and social media, “many mothers and daughters are in constant communication that was previously unthinkable.” For example, if your mother is texting you while you are at work, you can ask her not to send messages until a certain hour of the day, or send emails instead. (Some people do not require an immediate response to an email.)
Framing the border as something you and your mom do together to improve some aspect of your life can help your mom feel connected to you, not disconnected — even if she knows the meta message is, “Mom, stop bothering me at work! ” After all, she also knows that you are more likely to respond to her messages if they arrive at a more convenient time.
Change Ribbon
Finally, keep in mind that while you may feel like your mother still sees you as a child in need of her protection, your mother may feel like you only see her as an endless source of support. The very conversation that brings you closer – you tell your mother about your problems and the mother offers solutions – also makes you stuck in outdated roles.
It might be time to refresh the conversation. Are you wearing it? describes this type of shift as “tape change”:
The daughter could remind herself to tell more stories of her victories and fewer problems, and the mother could remind herself that she no longer needed to solve her daughter’s problems.
Changing feed is difficult , but if you’ve gotten to the point where you stop responding reflexively to critical meta-messages from your mother, and you’ve established good boundaries in your love life, starting new types of conversation should be relatively easy. Don’t expect old roles to disappear right away, but over time, you and your mother can move closer to the kind of strong, interconnected, mature relationship you both hoped for.