How to Turn Any Vague Idea Into a Sexy Halloween Costume
People love to tarnish a sexy costume. Why does a lobster have to be sexy? they will ask, clutching pearls and crying out to God in heaven. Why would anyone want to dress up as horny Bob Ross ?
Well, for starters, horny Bob Ross is the historically accurate Bob Ross – he was a sensual person with a natural voice in the bedroom, and he used that voice to build an empire – but the bigger question is, “Why not?” While I wouldn’t recommend stripping the top and bottom of the neckline while escorting a flock of toddlers between houses, most adults who dress up for Halloween do it for parties, and a good party shouldn’t have kids on the guest list. (Although kids can add a spooky element to your Halloween party. Have you ever been drunk or high in a kid’s company? This is the worst thing of all.)
If you do everything right, sexy costumes are not so much for sex as for delightfully absurd enjoyment. My love for corn is deep and well documented, but I’ve never had the urge to have sex with corn. (And yes, I’ve seen corn dildos. Stop sending me links to corn dildos.)
The best sexy costumes are those based on something lacking in sensuality or downright repulsive, and dressing like a Sexy Ear of Corn is undoubtedly fun because you don’t want to fuck. Corn on the cob is sexually neutral for most people, which is why sexy corn on the cob is so interesting. Sexual corn is not the real thing that exists on this mortal plane – it is the purest form a suit can take.
I have worn several sexy costumes in a day, but I remember two as particularly effective. If you follow me on any social network, you have seen at least one of them, if not both.
“Sexy Saturn Devouring His Son” is probably my favorite costume I’ve ever worn, although “Sexy Doctor Jacoby” is in second place.
Using these costumes as an example, I will walk you through my 6 easy steps to turn any concept into a sexy costume that can be used by all people, regardless of gender.
Step 1. Choose a strongly non-sexual concept
Most people don’t see Dr. Jacoby as an object of desire, but he definitely fucks, which means he barely gets past the first rung of the suit. This is what gives Sexy Saturn Devouring His Son an edge over Sexy Dr. Jacoby. Goya’s painting is one of the darkest, painted right on the walls of his house during an undeniably dark period of his life. It is an eerie, gripping scene, completely inadequate to inspire anything that is meant for lust.
The less sexy your concept, the more effective your costume will be. If you’re not sure if your concept goes through the first step, ask yourself if he feels a little weird when it turns you on. If the answer is yes, everything is fine.
Step 2. Highlight your best features
Take your clothes off, place a paper bag (with holes for the eyes) over your head and look at yourself in the mirror. I’m just kidding; That is unnecessary. I’m sure you already know which parts of your body you like. Choose your favorite part (s) and create a costume based on it. For me, the answer is always “cleavage”, although “butt” is a good secondary option.
Once you’ve selected a body part, focus on themes and patterns. For Sexy Dr. Jacoby I opted for a Hawaiian shirt-style bra and denim jumpsuit to keep my (short, unremarkable) legs warm while showing off my cleavage. Dr. Jacoby has never worn a bra (as far as I know), but the tropical pattern conveys meaning. For Sexy Saturn Devouring His Son, I opted for a push-up bra under a beige combination with beige tights because the painting depicts Saturn nude and I am beige when I’m naked.
The cleavage is a good accessory, but you can be sexy even without boobs. Short shorts, bare belly, deep back – all these looks can be made to make your costume look “sexy”. However, I would not use everything at once. The last day of October can be cold.
If you don’t want to expose your skin, go for a snug fit. Leggings, a tight sweater, or even a full-length bodysuit will work – just make sure you have the right underwear to create a sexy silhouette. (Bumps and bumps can be sensually sexy, but they are most effective when used strategically.)
Step 3: buy a wig
Long, luxurious, flowing curls are a sexy capital S, but unlike my sisters, this genetics did not give me much happiness. Fortunately, wigs exist and can be easily ordered online.
If you have a wig, you can plan costumes around it. This is how the sexy Saturn appeared, devouring his son. I was looking at last year’s wig that I used to create Sexy Dr. Jacoby and noticed that – due to the lack of proper care of the wig – it looks a lot like Saturn’s hair. I bought overalls and tights, decapitated the Head Scythe doll, and the costume was born.
Step 4: do your makeup
Dr. Jacoby’s red and blue glasses are a key part of his outfit. Without them, he’s just another bearded guy in a Hawaiian shirt, but wearing 3D glasses when you’re not watching a 3D movie can give you headaches and I couldn’t find a pair that would look good on my round face. However, I had a pair of colorless glasses, and I could paint over the eyelids in blue and red, creating the same effect.
For Sexy Saturn Devouring His Son, I used a black lip to recreate Saturn’s torturous, gaping jaws, dark eyeshadow for under eye circles, and cheap Halloween makeup to paint brush strokes on my hands. Again, the key is to take the line of the concept and rethink it sexually. A Hawaiian shirt morphs into a bra top, silly glasses morphs into a kind of heavily pigmented cat’s eye, and a dark hungry mouth morphs into a sculpted black lip (which you can’t appreciate in the photo above, but trust me – it is).
Step 5: finish with the shoes
Shoes can make an outfit or ruin it, and it would be a shame to negate all your hard work with ugly shoes. Although I wore Birkenstocks for Sexy Dr. Jacoby (it just fits), most suits are best finished with shoes or boots. For the Sexy Saturn, that meant a naked pump; at the time I decided to dress like “galaxy” it meant drawing a pair of cheap leather knee-high boots with lots of sequins.
Step 6: flaunt your stuff
Sexy costumes aren’t so much about sex as they are about creating confusion by juxtaposing T and / or A with disturbing imagery, but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel the power. Is there anything more powerful than arousing and frightening (or at least frustrating) at the same time? No. No no. So dress like Sexy Corn, Sexy Bob Ross, Sexy Big Bird or Sexy Existential Dread. Just don’t try to use sexual racism – racism is never sexual.