Tell Your Child How You Persist
I often lose my keys. I write the words “10 minutes late” more often than I should. I can’t get all the bags of random baby shit out of my car every night, so I constantly grab new bags and fill them with more random baby shit. I eat what then makes me feel lousy. I overestimate the amount of food we eat and throw food away all the time. On more than one occasion, I humbly asked my parents’ friends in the park, “Hey, did you happen to bring some sunscreen with you?” (Unfortunately, I can continue, but this little exercise doesn’t make me feel better.)
I want to look at my constant failures and say, “Wow, I always do this. I’m in a mess! “But then I look at my daughter and remember the mantras that I always say to her.
If something doesn’t work, change what you are doing.
How can we get better next time?
Yes, it’s difficult, but keep going.
Stop and breathe.
And I feel like a complete fraud.
Writer K.J. Dell’Antonia, author of the upcoming book How to Be a Happy Parent , recently wrote in her newsletter how she tried to change the mental notes that play “I’m so stupid!” and get to the root of her repetitive mistakes. What strikes me the most is that she makes sure her children hear her do it.
She writes that she sets fire to nuts and garlic toast every time she cooks them. Having made the decision to stop it, she began to tell how exactly she is changing for the better – in real time. In the kitchen, she declares, “I’m roasting nuts! I’m toasting bread! I will stand here and will not leave because I am not burning it! I’m so bored though! I will not leave! “
It may sound a little odd, but the idea is that the specific steps she takes to solve her problems can sneak into the brains of her children so that they later learn how to solve their own. “They hear us,” writes Del’Antonia. “Maybe when they turn forty, a voice in their head will say ‘take a deep breath, you are not such an idiot.’
My mom was always dramatic in telling her thoughts, and for better or worse, her outer voice eventually became my inner voice. (For the best, she always asked herself out loud, “What are my goals for today?”
Children need to see how their parents are struggling and how they are coping with it. I can tell my daughter, “Next time, I’ll try even harder” after 12 minutes of searching for the car keys, but it will be more valuable for both of us to describe the specific steps I am taking to prevent my problems.
“I put the keys right here in the designated place, so I will always know where they are.”
“I drive up to the car several times to get my bags, although I just want to go inside and sit down.”
“I am packing a bag of sunscreen, water and snacks right now so we don’t have to do it at the last minute.”
Children develop an inner dialogue that will stay with them when they face peer pressure, when they decide whether to study or play video games in college, and when they choose who to let in their lives. By changing your inner dialogue, you gradually change them.