There Is No “right Way” to Be Lonely
This week we have a guy who is constantly jumping from relationship to relationship, but he really can’t wait to see what being single is like. Will he be able to figure out how to live this solo? Or will he understand that there is not always the right way to do everything?
Some people have problems that require the delicate advice of a qualified professional. Others just need a random guy on the internet to kick them in the teeth (i.e. honestly). I am the last one. Welcome back to Tough Love .
Note: I am by no means a therapist or medical professional. People ask for my advice, and I give them. End of transaction. If you have any problems, please submit a formal complaint here . Now that it doesn’t get in the way, let’s continue:
Hi, Patrick!
I was a model of short-term love, jumping from relationship to relationship, knowing that I was not ready to settle down forever. In the meantime, I have learned to form strong bonds with others, have developed some amazing relationship skills, and have experienced many insights about myself during that time. Some even ended mutually, and my relationship lasts an average of 2 years (the longest is 6 years) with a minimum period of time between them.
I have a terrific jealousy job, I am financially free and I don’t have to work. I am very ambitious and have personal, family, career, financial, social, fitness, spiritual and other goals that I regularly work towards. I travel a lot (maybe too much) to have fun with my friends / lovers. I see all my close friends at least once a week and finally I have a good relationship with my family. I am satisfied with myself and my position in life. I practice gratitude and meditation on a daily basis, and I have good control over my emotions and an understanding of the triggers that trigger them. I am an avid life hacker, always learning / trying new things, and I have a lot of hobbies / interests. I enjoy working on my routine and am good at staying productive. But I’m 32, and I’m getting to the point where I’m ready to settle down and I’m done with casual and short-term relationships.
There is only one thing I have not overcome yet, and I think what I need to do before making a commitment in the long run. In fact, I have never been single for more than a few months, as I usually have a line of people wanting to date me (I’m a bit of a catch). I am recently single and ready to do my best, but I have problems understanding the meaning of loneliness. What should I get from being a bachelor? The point of living a lonely life is to do more self-improvement? I have someone with long-term potential, but I told her that I need time to be alone, as this is my last chance to do it, but I’m not sure what I am doing. I work on myself and my goals, whether I’m in a relationship or not.
What would you recommend? Is it true my desire to understand the bachelor life, since I have real ducks in a row? Am I misunderstanding something correctly? Should I work as hard as possible on my goals without being distracted by women? Do I need to be celibate? What can I do to work harder on myself? What resources do you recommend? When will I know loneliness is enough?
The lonely life of a beginner
Hello single newbie :
Resources? Lucky for you, my friend! I have a complete guide on how to be right alone –
Oh wait …
There is no valid guide to being lonely (despite what a cursory Google search might tell you). And there is no clearly marked “point” of solitary life. The logistics of loneliness are simple:
- You are either single because you want to be single (you have an in-between relationship, you need time for yourself, you don’t care about a serious relationship, you don’t want to be attached, you really want to be connected, but different people, etc.).
- Or you’ve been forced to be lonely.
Part of the problem with SLNs is that you’re looking for the best way to do things when you really only need to do what is best for you. There is no better way to be lonely, there is no unspoken rule for how long you should be alone, or any universal law that says what you should do while you are alone. Varies. Some people would be better off living alone and working on themselves; others should plant wild oats and date to find out what works for them; and some know what they need and they just need to keep looking for it. And you never have to stop if you don’t want to – you can stay alone forever.
I know you’re looking for practical advice or some formula adapted to your well-organized life, but love doesn’t work that way. You talk about the relationship like it was a job, look at the data, tell me what you’ve learned, show that there are no gaps in years, describe your skills, etc. And asked me what the job requirements are, and then hoping to crush them so you can quickly make a career in a life filled with benefits and max 401k. But it’s not about career, not about skills, not about who you are, or how you define yourself, it’s about how you feel. Look for what feels right, the SLN, and not what other people think is right.
Look, you are a Lifehacker writer dream – you are. You really act and do everything we write about to become better. It’s nice to look at, but it also has a hidden danger. Last week, I received allegations that someone had failed to act on good advice . While you are ready and willing to act, you also rely too much on being told what action to take. You must be careful to develop the belief that there is always the right path, that there is a definitive answer to every question in life. No, so don’t let that freeze you. You basically ask me to tell you what you want and I have no idea, man! So, I’ll flip this question so that it targets the correct target. Here we go, light the fuse and …
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Do you want to stay single? Do you want to be with someone? Maybe you are ready to settle down, but not with this person who is now showing interest? I do not know. What seems right? What would make you happy now and in the future. I would love to try to sell you some “guide to bachelorhood” – trust me, glimpses of the roof – but I’m not going to do that. Here’s what I recommend instead:
Let love happen.
You are in a position where you can simply explore and see where your feelings are taking you. Don’t push a wonderful person away just because you think there are some milestones in your life that you still need to celebrate (they don’t exist), and you don’t feel obligated to live with someone who “seems normal” just because that you think you have the rest of your life. Keep an open mind and an open heart and listen to your intuition. If some beautiful, wonderful person comes into your wonderful life and can somehow make it even better, let them.