How to Set Boundaries With Work Friends (and Why You Should)
When the lines between “work buddies” and “true friends” blur, you run the risk of creating embarrassing workplace situations or even creating serious obstacles to getting your job done. However, if you are friends with coworkers on social media or have spent the last year in constant video calls with them, you probably know a lot more about your coworkers compared to the traditional business-to-person relationship. On the one hand, my boss can see all my tweets. On the other hand, I see their children running around the screen to ask for a snack.
Every relationship needs boundaries. Here’s how to draw the line between colleagues and friends so that everyone feels as comfortable as possible at work.
Assess your own boundaries first
We’ve previously covered how to set different personal boundaries , which pretty much boils down to knowing yourself and effectively articulating what you need. If you find it difficult to imagine what setting boundaries looks like in a conversation, consider this exercise from Andrea Brandt, Ph.D. in psychology today :
Take a piece of paper and draw three vertical lines to form four columns. Name the first column “Significant Other”, the second “Family”, the third “Friends” and the fourth “Acquaintances / Strangers.” Now write down topics that you feel uncomfortable discussing with people in these four categories. For example, you might classify “sex life” as one that you feel uncomfortable talking about with family and strangers, or “childhood trauma” in all four categories.
Besides what you communicate, you can also specify how and where you communicate. For example, don’t be afraid to tell your coworkers that you don’t feel comfortable texting and prefer to keep in touch through work channels like email and Slack. Once you know your boundaries, it’s easier for you to defend them among those around you.
Clarity is the key to success
For people to respect your boundaries, you need to express them. In his book, “ Psychology Today” Tim Leberecht, the author of self-help books in the business “Business romantic” , wrote about the growth of workers’ friendly relations, when “all may know too much about each other”:
While friendships at work can be beneficial to mental well-being (not least because jobs are critical arenas for tackling the loneliness epidemic ), it also has a dark side . Navigating this complex territory requires emotional intelligence and clear, open communication. This is especially true when a friend becomes your boss and your boss becomes your friend, or other changes are taking place in the basic power structures. Experts advise to recognize them quickly.
Perhaps the benefit of knowing “too much about each other” is a new openness in how we communicate at work. By using this, you can directly address the fact that you have certain boundaries and expectations about a work relationship. You also don’t have to sacrifice kindness for the sake of clarity. By explaining your boundaries to a colleague, you can reassure them that it is not personal (even if it is).
Don’t share too much
We’re not robots (yet) – you should be able to talk to your coworkers about weekend plans, kids, and common interests. However, when you start talking about your feelings, berating other people at work, or asking for non-work-related advice, you risk leaving the territory of a safe worker-friend. When this happens, try to return to the “work first” topics.
Excessive exchange of views is not limited to small conversations. If you’re worried about staying professional, you probably want to keep your social media accounts private and separate from your work. Even if nothing you post might be deemed inappropriate, it all depends on how well others think they know you (a bit of a parasocial relationship , yes).
Don’t listen too
You may have a clear idea of what you will and will not discuss at work, but that does not mean that everyone around you shares the same boundaries. Here are some of our tips for what to do when a coworker underestimates . Even if you pride yourself on being a good listener, it is important to establish boundaries with whoever treats you as a therapist .
Katie Bennett, co-founder and certified coach of Ama La Vida Coaching , told Bustle that when someone tries to peep, it’s best to be honest and say something like, “Thanks for the question, but I’d rather not talk about it now. … »Otherwise, you risk misleading a colleague about the nature of your relationship.
Recognize relationships as they are
The work friends category is valuable in and of itself. Amy Cooper Hakeem, a consultant for Cooper Strategic Group , told Business News Daily: “Ask yourself if you will be close to this person outside of work … if the answer is no, proceed with caution.” You can genuinely enjoy spending time with your coworkers, but “admit it for what it is – being friends at work.”
From the perspective of someone who really wants to forge more genuine friendships in the workplace, writer Ali Kelly stresses the importance of “meeting people where they are, not where they might be.” Co-workers can make the work day bearable or even enjoyable, but sometimes the relationship ends there. For Kelly, and for many of us, this means understanding and respecting the “colleague” label over “friends”.
The hardest part of setting boundaries at work is drawing lines where they need to be. If you’re afraid of sounding rude to your colleagues, blame it on your definition of what a relationship with a colleague means to you. (This means that you should probably come up with your own definition of what a relationship with a coworker means to you.)
You may enjoy spending time with your work buddies, but declare that you want to keep your friendships on schedule from 9 to 5. Perhaps work friendships will one day grow into something more, but if that is not for you, do not be afraid to respectfully support them. relationships where they are.