How to Find Love, According to a Matchmaker
While most of us don’t go as far as hiring a real matchmaker in search of love, it’s no surprise that if you’re looking for real, concrete advice on how to turn your luck in a dating game, some of the best tips will come from the pros. Alessandra Conti is a celebrity matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City , a certified matchmaking firm with offices in Los Angeles, New York, DC and San Francisco. After spending years successfully pairing people up, Conti has a pretty good understanding of what helps clients successfully find the right person for them – and what the rest of us are probably doing wrong in our own quest. Below, Conti shares tips on what we can all do to improve our game, with or without professional help. After all, a world with more love is exactly what the matchmaker wants.
No more passive swipes
“A lot of clients come to Matchmaker in the City because they are sick and tired of swiping left and right,” says Conti. Their job is to do all of the background checks that you usually have to do yourself after meeting someone, including background checks, social media checks, and even intense interviews before you meet a match for a drink. If this sounds like a lot of work, it is because it is.
Conti says we tend to fear this work and refrain from really looking with purpose. Passivity kills people’s chances before they even get out of the game:
The mistakes clients often make before they come to me are believing in the myth that love comes when you least expect it. I hate it when people say, “When you stop looking, he will find you!” It may have been a reality in the past before Netflix and the Internet, but nowadays, you cannot be passive when it comes to finding love if it is your priority in your life.
However, she understands why people are reluctant to do this.
“People are so drained emotionally, mentally, physically,” she says. “They don’t have time, they are busy. They don’t want to go out every night. And sometimes they end up having pen pals, they can’t even set a date, they talk to someone on Bumble for a month, and then they finally meet, and it doesn’t look like a photograph at all. “
A bit of a bummer, but it’s true that the more work you put in, the more likely it is that something will actually happen. Love doesn’t just come to you. You have to go and look for it.
Don’t let ordinary life distract you.
The stressful life and cravings of dating apps are real; why would you prioritize dating? Because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck in your no-dating routine, says Conti:
A lot of people get stuck in the bubbles of their daily lives: they go to the same coffee shop every morning, they go to the same workouts after work, they go to the same brunch with the same girlfriends every time. on weekends, go to the same bars they’ve been going to since their 20s and prefer to stay there over an event, benefit gala, birthday party, etc. They use apps but spend the day. spend a bunch of swipes and then the ghost of anyone reaching out to them because they are trapped in their day to day life factors.
Obviously, the ghost is just someone who is addicted to Pilates lessons. If you want to date, set aside time for new people and new experiences. Or, at least on the weekend, check out a different mimosa spot.
Be less picky
Conti says that many people come to her with a very specific mental picture of who they want to date, even a specific person . Ultimately, matchmakers focus on the very heart of what their clients really want, beyond the demands of growth.
“The most important thing is whether they want to get married, whether they want to have children,” she says.
Apps are tricky because that’s not what we know from most profiles – we might not even be ready to find out on our first date. However, apps give us the impression that our precise vision already exists if we keep scrolling, which is bad for anyone.
Apps create the false illusion that there is a limitless number of singles out there just by swiping your finger across the screen, but the problem with apps is that they give people the idea that the perfect person is somewhere nearby and that’s just another hit. so singles don’t value the person. right in front of them. It’s also much easier to get rejected on an app than in person, which is why many men can’t find a way to approach women in real life.
She adds: “I would like people to open their hearts and minds much more. It happens when you meet someone in real life because you can feel their atmosphere, but swiping is a different story. “
Some things will always violate the terms of the deal, and that’s okay. But if you haven’t looked like anyone for a while, reevaluate what you’re looking for.
Learn to Be Better on a Date
Matchmakers asks participants to set aside a certain number of hours for “date coaching”. This includes a body language expert who teaches you courtship cues and helps you imagine yourself to be a more relaxed and open person. There are several common problems that Conti often sees in men and women.
Conti thinks that people who have been rejected or heartbroken subconsciously bring protection to the first encounter, even if they paid to substitute for it. This means that they are “not the best version of themselves” or that they enjoy meeting someone new.
“They put their things on the other person and think, ‘Oh, he looked at me like that, he looked at my little love hand,’ or whatever it might be. I’m just such a big believer in flirting. “If there were more people in the world flirting, it would be much better,” says Conti.
But on more specific issues, she said, men often talk about past dating relationships as a form of confirmation to prove they were wanted in the past. I understand that this is clearly repulsive to women. Nobody wants to hear about the model you once worked with. Good for you though.
Conti says that on the first date, women tend to “come out of the negative, not the positive.”
Many women will lay out on the table what their ex did wrong, which they will not put up with in future relationships, and tend to come from negativity because it is difficult for them to date. However, there is nothing wrong with a single woman knowing what she wants out of a relationship and setting her boundaries early in the relationship.
The borders are definitely good! It does make sense, though, that not all of them need to be known before the snacks are served. Overall, Conti says the best advice she can give people on dates is “flirt, flirt, flirt.”
“Go on dates with fun, ease, and pretend you’re on vacation,” she says. There are no guarantees, but the basic lessons of openness, intention, and flexibility can benefit anyone looking for love.
Eme Lyutkin is a freelance writer who blogs a lot about dating . She currently travels the country and is going on a date in every city she visits.